How to Bring IFS to Leaders

IFS is primarily a therapeutic modality — it was discovered in the 1980s by a psychologist, Richard Schwartz, as a way to heal trauma. As it became clear how effective IFS is in the therapy room, people in different fields started applying it to their work with strong results: spiritual teachers began using it as a meditation practice, physical therapists started using it to work with chronic pain, and so on.

Similarly, I’ve been applying IFS in my coaching with executives to help them access new levels of performance and confidence.

Since training in IFS a few years ago, I’ve used IFS in roughly 1,300 sessions across 70 clients, taking notes on what works best. Through trial and error, I’ve learned how to massage the model to properly fit my clients and their goals.

When I bring IFS into my work with executives, I’m not “doing therapy,” but rather using the underlying principles of IFS — that we are made up of many parts and have a core essential Self — to help my clients succeed.

There are a few key differences between the IFS technique used in therapy and the one I use with my clients.

Here’s how I use IFS with leaders:

1. Show, Don’t Tell

Almost none of my clients know what IFS is or when we’re using it. I don’t explain IFS theory or try to get them to care about being compassionate with their parts. Instead, when they share their challenges, I simply ask questions through an IFS lens. I might say, “It sounds like part of you feels torn.” or “What does that part of you want?” or “How does it feel to let this part of you speak?”

Similarly, I don’t explain Self. I simply notice whenever qualities of Self are present — curiosity, calmness, courage — and I name it. I might say, “Something about your energy is different right now. Do you feel that?” Then, we’ll describe and name that state so we can refer back to it in the future. Whatever they call it-Self or Wiser Me or The Calm-is fine. In the future, I might ask, “What would Wiser You have to say about this?”

For executives in particular, this show-don’t-tell approach is critical. They are goal-oriented. They don’t want to explore their inner worlds for the sake of self-love (though they often find it along the way). They want to solve their problems and create an inspired future. IFS can help them do this without a lecture on the model.

2. Don’t Focus on Unburdenings

Throughout my IFS education, unburdenings were portrayed as the pinnacle moment of the model. That moment where an exile heals from their past wounds and moves into the future freely is what it all seems to be about. But with executives, unburdenings are not the point.

Across 1300 sessions, I’ve facilitated 0 unburdenings and focused very little on the origin stories of protectors. Despite that, my clients report long-lasting results: newfound confidence under extremely high pressure; newfound courage to make bold decisions; newfound clarity on what they want.

At first, this was a surprise to me. Based on my training, I expected to hit a wall beyond which we could not progress until we unburdened. But this simply didn’t happen. And now it makes sense to me: my clients’ protectors usually are not in as extreme roles as someone in trauma therapy. Because of this, we have more wiggle room to build trust with parts, collaborate with them, and ultimately access Self without unburdening exiles first.

Don’t get me wrong, some of my clients would certainly benefit from unburdenings, and I refer them to therapists accordingly, but unburdenings aren’t necessary to create the transformation they desire.

3. Use Parts as Advisors

When we begin coaching, most of my clients have adversarial relationships with their parts. They hate their inner critic and try to shut it out, which never works. This is often what lands them in my office.

By talking to their parts during our sessions, my clients start to see that they’re coming from a good place and that sometimes they actually have good points!

Time and time again, as trust grows, I see my clients start to use parts they once hated as trusted advisors.

When their inner critic shows up, instead of ignoring it or trying to defeat it, my client will start to talk to it as they would talk to one of their business advisors. “That’s a good point.” they might say, “I should make a quick financial model of this decision before we move forward to minimize my risk. Thanks, Inner Critic.”

This is the type of collaborative, high-agency relationship that helps my clients achieve their goals.

4. Keep the Focus on Self

The central premise of IFS is that we all have an inherent Self who already knows how to move forward. As a practitioner, your purpose is to help your client access Self and then step back and let Self lead.

This is also the central premise of most coaching curricula. Coaches are trained to help clients access their own inner wisdom. I’ve found many of the techniques I learned in my coach training (before I knew IFS) to be the most effective at helping my clients access Self-energy:

• Connecting to their purpose
• Envisioning the future
• Acknowledging their inherent gifts
• Talking to their future selves

This last one — Future Self work — is the most reliable and direct way I help my clients access Self-energy.

So while building relationships with parts is important, it can also be distracting. Self is where my clients find the courage, confidence, and clarity they’re seeking. Self is the name of the game.