How a rock climbing wall has helped my relationship.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 4 years (anniversary on Friday, no gifts please). Before marriage, we were high school sweet hearts who have been together for more than a decade. Needless to say, we have grown and evolved both individually and as a couple since October 31st, 2004. For example: I’ve learned the importance of not eating her last bite of food (she saves the best for last) and she’s learned the importance of returning items to their original place. It’s the little things that matter. Although it’s easy to see this now, it wasn’t always so. Especially for me. However, just as with anything in life,there is always room for continued growth. Unfortunately for Emily, it only took me 5–6 years to figure this out.
Since then, we have read our share of books for personal growth, we have read a couple books to help better understand other people (spouse included) and we have even spent time chatting with a relationship counselor (you know- therapist). Through all of our issues and because of our willingness to learn, our bond has grown stronger, our communication has increased infinitely and we keep learning more and more about each other on a regular basis. I know this may not seem mind blowing but in reality, it is.
For a portion of our relationship we were inadvertently living a complacent lifestyle. We weren’t looking to grow because we felt comfortable where we were in life. Everything was great, really great. However, overtime this can lead to small issues turning into large arguments. Since then, things have changed and we have deeper discussions nearly everyday. Even with that being so, there is still much untouched information between us and much more to learn. So let’s get into the most recent example.
Last Friday I built a rock climbing wall for our daughter. Come to find out Emily didn’t feel it was a perfect fit for our living room. Before this event, I did not know that. Now I do. Ok, perhaps I should explain this one a bit more.
Last week Emily and Cami were gone for a few days. Prior to this, we briefly chatted about building a rock climbing wall for Camille as she loves moving and climbing on things. With her being gone, I took that as an opportunity to build this wall as a surprise for her to come home to. Come to find out, she was surprised. However, along with being happy surprised, she was also not so happy surprised. Two main points of contention: 1) It was now the centerpiece to our living room. 2) It didn’t match our other furnitue. Believe it or not, I was taken back by this.
I’ll back up a couple lines here. When I say, “we briefly chatted” I mean I mentioned how neat it would be and she agreed. We never discussed size or location or color or flow or anything like that. With that being said, I feel I did well not to turn our entire living room into a bouldering cave equipped with crash pads and and chaulk. She, on the other hand, had something smaller in mind and something not so centrally located.
My thoughts going into this were as follows: I felt since we don’t entertain people at our house, our living is more of a dead space and we might as well liven it up with a badass rock wall. On top of that, I thought it would be a great surprise for her to come home to as I would have completed a project without her having to lift a finger to help! Apparently, she didn’t see this the same. As for color and matching, let’s be honest, guys hardly see colors when it comes to matching decor. It’s more about function most of the time.
Instead, her thoughts were as follows: Great, this looks awesome but why is it in the middle of our living room? This doesn’t match the furniture and probably should be painted to make it more palatable since we will be looking at it everyday. How come I didn’t get to help with this? And why is it in the fucking living room?
For the record, those aren’t direct quotes. That’s my interpretation of her reaction and the following discussions.
As silly as this may be, it literally caused an argument that lasted a day or two. I just couldn’t understand why she was so upset that I spent my time and built this kick ass rock climbing wall without her having to do any of the work. If I were in her shoes, I would have been stoked! And it was immediately after that thought when I realized, I don’t wear her shoes. In fact, for as much as we have in common, we have many opposite traits as well. In this case, I’m more of an “ask for forgiveness rather than permission” guy where she, well, she’s not so much like that at all. I’m more of a do-do-discuss than the opposite. In the words of Ricky Bobby, “I like to go fast.”
For me, I found it ridiculous that I hadn’t seen this before. I swear we talk everyday. We do. We have meaningful conversations about life and what we are going through and how we are getting better and what is bothering us. Everyday we chat about this. Yet, somehow, it took me over a decade to realize that as much as I like surprises and would love to have things done for me (in this sense), she would rather be involved when it comes to these things; you know, bigger family decisions.
In the end, the rock wall was disassembled, the living room was reorganized, the dinning room followed suit and the wall has been painted. By weeks end, it will be reassembled and resting peacefully in our dinning room. Overall, it worked out much better. I really like our new set up and, believe it or not, it has helped open up the flow of our house. On top of that, it will look much prettier which will make Em happy and it will be in a safer spot for when Cami is conquering the mini-beast. Overall, what started out as a simple projected turned into a minor spat, followed by two great lessons:
1. Emily is not me and I, not her. When it comes to decisions, what I may see as minor she does not. With that, any decision that effects both of us, I should run past her. And I don’t mean that as she is the czar and everything starts and stops with her but she deserves the right to know what is happening.
2. No matter how much you talk to each other, actions will always bring out more than what can be said. The saying that actions speak louder than words is more than a mantra. We have nightly discussions about successes and frustrations yet it’s still our actions that can invoke more emotion than our words. We will keep learning and growing through our words but our actions are great teachers as well. With that, we will keep moving, we will maintain active lifestyles, we will not become complacent!
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, tap that green heart below! If you care to, share with me your most recent “ah-ha” moment in one of your relationships! It’s always great to hear and learn from others
