How to beat your troubled past: A true story

It was about this time last weekend (9:48 AM) when I was driving an extra 90 minutes to watch my nephew play ball. Since I have relocated, I haven’t been able to watch my nephews and nieces do much of anything so an extra 90 minutes wasn’t a big deal at all. When I arrived at the park, I illegally parked my vehicle, exited the car, and excitedly greeted my nephews and nieces. After passing out the much overdue hugs, I was able to make my way to the ball field where I found my brother, anxiously awaiting the start of his son’s game. Just like our dad, he wouldn’t miss one of his kids’ events for the world. As the warm-ups quickly changed to the first inning and the first inning to the last, we chatted all the way through the game without taking much time to stop and breath. This was the start of a great couple days.

After the coaches had their post game conference with the team, the boys were released and the whole family piled into a few different vehicles to head north for a few days. You see, my mom, being the loving, sentimental, and caring person that she is, sets up a camping trip each year and invites the whole family- as in 40 of us- with ages ranging from two weeks to, well, older than two weeks. And there we were, 9 of the 40, on our way to bring terror and excitement to anyone looking for some R&R at Indian Trails Campground.

Now before I move forward, I want to skip back- like way back. My oldest brother, the one with whom I was chatting, is somewhere in his early 30’s. While in his youth, he wasn’t exactly a model citizen. I can’t speak much on first hand experience of Rikki’s early childhood. He is half a dozen years older than me and with separated parents, it was always hard to keep track of what was going on fro house to house. However, I am well aware of the conversations and stories that came with him and I did see him through his mid to late teen years. To sum it all up in a short paragraph, it went something like this:

Rikki was his father’s son. He was as stubborn as could be with no room to be wrong and he was tough as nails. Rikki was his mother’s son as he was never afraid to confront someone nor was he ever going to pass up a fun time that could make a good story. Rikki was his parents kid- he was as type-a as they come, he was as mischievous as they come, he was as rebellious as they come. He was the smartest kid who hated the system and decided school wasn’t worth his time. He was the toughest kid who decided he would never back down from a fight. He was the craziest kid who would never be shown up. Rikki was the kid your parents warned you about.

At the age of 17 Rikki became a father for the first of time. He has since achieved this goal four more times. I remember when I first heard he was going to be a father. I thought to myself, “Is he going to be the kind of father who is hard-nosed and won’t let his kid do anything or is he going to be the kind of father who lets his kid do pretty much whatever he wants?” This was a fair question as our parents often worked on either end of this spectrum, so it seemed. Early on, he appeared to be the latter. His lifestyle didn’t change much from pre-parenthood. He partied, he played, he worked, and he parented too. I don’t know which was priority number one but it seemed he could make adequate time for all of them.

As time passed, one kid turned to two and two to four. The four became five and five became enough, we think. Throughout the growth of his family there has also been an amazing growth within. One that I have seen but did not truly recognized or understand until this past weekend. Not until that conversation at the ball game followed up by a couple days in casual discussions about seemingly nothing, yet, somehow everything. In those two short days, here is what I can tell you about overcoming your troubled past: become selfless and maintain true to yourself.

There was a time in the not too distant past when Rikki was working third shift and 12+ hour days to support his family. I know this isn’t selfless, it’s called being responsible, but what he did when most parents would be sleeping was. Instead of coming home and sleeping all day, Rikki would take intermittent naps to ensure he could spend more time with his family. Whether it was playing taxi or super fan, he would sacrifice his sleep and his health to be by his kids side. Days on end, he would run on naps and redbull to ensure he could provide the best experiences for his kids. He may not always succeed but he is certainly ensuring effort is the cause for falling short. Perhaps you see this as being a parent and within his required responsibilities, however, I have seen too many parents mail it in and take the state aid and lower class living over the hard work and dedication he puts in. Despite his circumstances and his past, he does what he can to ensure his kids are moving forward and will succeed more than he.

On top of this, Rikki never stops pushing and never stops supporting. Whether it is using the last of his funds to start a wrestling club or teaching his daughter’s friends how to play softball, he will do what he can with the resources he has to make sure the kids around him have a chance. He truly spares nothing. Rikki spends everything he has on others and keeps nothing for himself. He spends his time on, not only his kids, but any kids who are looking to work hard and become better. He spends his money on ensuring, not only his kids, but any kids who are looking to work hard and become better are able to do so. He has become as selfless with his “free time” as anyone can. He doesn’t have his own personal hobbies anymore as he understand the commitment it takes to help others along.

Lastly, amidst this growth and change, Rikki has also held true to himself. Not only has he taken his mistakes and used them as lessons to guide his kids, but he has done so while finding a way to be authentic and true to himself. Sure he has made drastic changes in his personal life choices but he has done so while still being Rikki. He has shown how one can grow and evolve without having to completely revamp every aspect of his life. He is still rough around the edges, he still yells quite a bit, if pushed, you better believe he’ll push back, but he now knows he doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone. His pride is not something too large for him to overcome. In fact, his pride has taken a back seat to most everything else. As the saying goes, he didn’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

What Rikki has done is taken his troubled past and used it to fuel a better future for his kids and those kids around him. He has used his experiences not as way to wield advice and tell his kids what to do or what not to do, rather, he has used his experiences to guide his parenting. Instead of making demands of his kids, he helps guide them towards the right decisions while still providing them the autonomy to make their own choices. I realize what he is doing isn’t on the same level as Ghandi or modern day thought leaders, but what he is doing the absolute most he can with the resources at hand. Sure his favorite verb is fuck, his favorite adjective is fuck, his favorite noun is fuckers, and in a close second are most other swear words, but that doesn’t take away from his passion to parent and help. It is my opinion that Rikki has grown from the kid your parents warned you about to a parent your parents would be happy to see you become (minus the swearing and yelling- perhaps).

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