I need to apologize: I’ve been a jerk.
I’m a white male. I have been my whole life. I grew up with the slender gene which allowed me to eat freely with minimal visible consequences. I am an athletic fella with an outgoing personality that some would call magnetic. I’m a people person who loves to serve and loves to be numero uno. Growing up, there weren’t too many people not titled “sibling” who picked on me. Reason being is I rarely found myself amongst the minority. Therefore if I were the center of a joke or putdown, so would the majority of the crowd and picking on the majority is an easy way to make no friends and find yourself in a fight.
Fast forward a decade or so.
I am still a white male. I am still slender. I am still athletic. My personality hasn’t changed much but I am a bit more calm than I used to be but also a bit more demanding. Some like me, others don’t. With that, I have changed a few things about me. I now eat far cleaner than I used to. Fast food isn’t something that passes my lips. Fitness is important to me and I enjoy doing exercising. My hair is growing long. At times I dress differently than I used to. I’m more conscious about how my actions and inactions affect the world. Some people call me a hippie. That’s ok by me.
Rewind two decades or so.
Growing up I was white kid who was damn good at sports. I was funny. I was cute. I was cocky. My family name carried weight in my circles and I exploited that. I used my charisma to persuade people to see things my way and I used my wit and evil tendencies to put down others when needed. If someone were different than the rest, if I saw an opportunity to make others laugh, if there was any bit of a challenge to me, I would point at you, call out your difference and use it as a way to infer my superiority. I was a jerk. I don’t like how this was part of me growing up and I am glad I have seen the error in my ways but that doesn’t change what I did and I am sorry to those who I offended.
Fast Forward two decades.
Having been who I was and having transitioned to who I am, my personal experiences are now a little different. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not singled out or demonized. I’m not hated by large groups of people or discriminated against. To a smaller degree, I am experiencing now what many kids who weren’t part of the majority experienced when I was a little tike. Instead of leading the laughing chorus, I am now the words to their song. At times, when at social gatherings, I will be singled out, I’ll be the butt of a joke or perhaps receiving a little extra ribbing from time to time. For a while, this didn’t bother me at all and still it mostly doesn’t. I understand that by being different, others may perceive me as a threat and an easy target. Seeing as I’m ok with my choices and the reasons I am the butt of the joke, it’s perfectly fine… from time to time.
With that being said, I feel awful for the kids who were the butt of my jokes. I know I was harsh at times and even hurtful. Friendly or not, day after day and year after year these friendly transactions take their toll. For me, the progression has been this:
Jokes 1–5ish = haha- jokes 5ish-15ish = internalized- jokes 15ish+ plus = annoying, irritating and, honestly, not too original.
I can’t imagine this being much different than how I made kids feel growing up and I apologize for that. With any luck, those kids were stronger mentally than I was and brushed it to the side, didn’t take anything to heart and saw me as an inferior being. I never believed the small jokes to be very hurtful, especially those made amongst great friends and family. I thought they would be taken as they are meant, which is light heartedly. It hasn’t been until recently when I have experienced the cumulative effects myself that I understood the consequences of what I’ve been doing for years. Although it seems funny at the time, the psychological impact doesn’t suggest the same. Truly, I am sorry.
Sincerely,
Seth
