The Agony & the Ecstasy — Part Two: The Search for New Friends
In our exploration of all things friendship, we learned about how our readers are handling their platonic relationships and why it can be challenging to keep these bonds alive. If a friendship survives the post-college years, distance, and pandemic drift, there’s still a myriad of other factors along the way that can deliver the killing blow.
Little wonder then that, as we age, we suddenly find our social circles looking pretty sparse.
One of the big questions coming out of our friendship survey was how, exactly, are you supposed to make friends as an adult? I’m aware that some of my own idiosyncrasies could be getting in the way here. Historically, I’ve dodged coworkers trying to ride the off-ramp to real friendship, viewing their attempts (perhaps unfairly) as Big Work trying to annex my personal life (I see you enough, Carl!). I also suspect that my general indifference to the great outdoors has cost me some nature loving pals whose company always seems inextricably linked to hiking up some vertical cliff face. But these are my crosses to bear. Let’s talk about what our readers are facing.
“I feel like I both need friends more than I did before and have less access to them.”
“How do you make good friendships as an adult?? I have groups I do things with and friends that I’ve known for 5+ years but nothing in between. ”
Our survey respondents generally struggled to find places to meet new people and opportunities for socializing that didn’t revolve around drinking or throwing pandemic precautions to the wind. Many also noted that approaching a new friend to hang out was a fraught proposition since most of our established scripts for asking a stranger to do anything one on one can seem almost implicitly romantic.
“It’s much easier to date than make friends. I am a happily married, straight male who loves making new friends. When I first moved here, I made female friends quickly, but I was struggling to make male friends. It was hard to “ask out” a dude in a friendly way, especially before I was married and could slide a “my wife” comment into the conversation to lower his guard that I was hitting on him.”
Several people also wrote to us about a very DC problem, namely, a lurking suspicion that every social interaction with a stranger seemed to double as a networking opportunity. I used to think this was just an unfair stereotype, until I too found myself trapped in a downtown Starbucks with an acquaintance wondering what the hell they wanted from me. Was this a date? A deposition? An interview?
“The friendship-to-professional-chess-piece pipeline has happened a few times to me here. We start out with a basic friendship (with the intent of friendship) and then all of a sudden I’m asked to work for free for them (with the intent of career development)? Or connect them within my network? Which is ok and great for good friends but sometimes the vibe is super manipulative from someone you do not know well. Lol I’m okay I swear!”
In our quest for new friends, we also often run up against our own time and energy limitations for socializing. We all want more friends in the abstract; our emotional needs are varied and ideally we’d have a range of people populating our social worlds, but humans also have a finite capacity for connections. Given the daunting research on friend acquisition — evidently it takes about 50 hours of time together within six weeks of meeting someone to foster even a casual friendship — it’s easy to see why people are overwhelmed. I’m an adult; I don’t have time to play 56 hours of Boggle to get to know someone!
But here’s the good news: despite these obstacles, there are still a lot of people actively looking for new friends and hustling to make it happen. I’m somewhat impressed by the sheer range of activities our readers have tried out to meet new people: trivia, language classes, dating apps, running clubs, DC Fray, bike parties, kickball leagues, climbing gyms. Others have resorted to even more extreme measures: getting a dog, taking up smoking (!), and joining punishing group fitness regimes like Crossfit or SoulCycle. If friendships haven’t quite come together, it’s definitely not for lack of trying.
In reading through the responses though, I struggled to find clear recommendations on what friend-making strategies actually work — these two responses came in at the same time:
“Bumble BFF, hobby groups, sports leagues. Awful — nothing worked out. “
“Joining sports leagues- it worked super well!”
Well, which is it?!
For everyone who met a friend through a hobby or activity; someone else found that same activity a bust. Work and school are still among the most common pipelines for new friends, and 40% of our respondents have mined their relationships with current or former flames for friendly connections. But how do you meet new potential friends as an adult if you’re disinclined to making friends at work and have aged out of traditional friendship incubators like school? Let’s take a look.
Work those mutuals. Over 80% of our respondents say they met friends through mutuals. The most successful strategy by far is to embrace the chaos of friend-mixing and infiltrate your other friends’ groups. Incidentally, when we asked our readers back in 2019 how they were meeting and making friends, mutual friends topped the list then too.
“I mostly make new friends by being open to meeting my friends’ friends. I also like to connect all my groups to each other — I love seeing my friends become good friends in their own right. It usually goes very well with only a very rare exception or two!”
The outdoorsy, fitness-inclined have it made. A significant percentage (18%) of readers have made friends through participating in sports leagues and general fitness-related groups. And these are not just rando acquaintances either; people actually make real true-blue friendships by routinely torturing their muscles. I knew it!
For those looking for a low-key sport, I would recommend trying a kickball league — it came up repeatedly in our reader responses as a place for friendly people (including several self-described sports-loving imposters) who just want to hang out.
“I joined a running group and made some really strong acquaintances/social media friends out of it — and I feel connected/close — like 2nd tier friends? One step down from ride or die? I love that we are all totally different in terms of age/gender/race and it’s running that brings us together.”
“Stonewall kickball is how most of my friend group met nearly a decade ago (and still going strong years later), Grindr has been a good way to meet friends as well.”
Perfect strangers. I somehow neglected to include it as an option in our survey, but several readers wound up befriending their current or former housemates. This is unsurprising given the intimacy that comes with living together, though I wonder how often this leads to a clash of expectations. One person sees their roommate as just some rando on a chore wheel and the other is hoping for a ready made best friend. Perhaps this also helps explain the exacting specifications in many of the ads for group housing — it’s one way to get across that you’re looking to bundle your needs. You want a friend and someone to help fight rats on trash day.
“I made a friend once because his mom offered for me to live in his 2BR apartment for free within hours of meeting me (and without me ever meeting her son). I took her up on the housing offer, her son and I got along great as roommates, and we’ve been friends ever since.”
“My tried and true method: make a work friend and then befriend all their roommates.”
Stay regular and diversify your bonds. Making new friends sometimes requires a diversity of tactics, but I would argue that consistency is a better strategy than gad-flying about between random events. It takes time to build a connection with someone and your odds go way up with any hobby or group that meets regularly.
“My best advice is to put yourself out there and try for the “masses.” Don’t expect every friend date to turn out well. You need numbers to improve your chances — try finding a commonality or opportunity to reconnect with the same people weekly like a club, sports league, trivia or social hour.”
“Regularly scheduled meet-ups (weekly brunch or monthly game nights or weekly climbing) have been totally vital in keeping my friendships intact and strong.”
“Someone once told me friendship is like medicine. You wouldn’t take the same type of medicine to treat a sore throat as you would a broken ankle. Similarly, with friendships, sometimes the best person to go to for a fun night out is not the same person to go to when you want to aimlessly wander and talk about life. This mindset can help shift your expectations so that you don’t expect every friend to meet every aspect of your personality. You need all types of friends in your life; each friendship can offer something unique.”
Look out for friend chemistry. In the real world, it takes a degree of courage and vulnerability to extend an offer of friendship and none of us is immune to the sting of social rejection. But there are so many things that can torpedo a burgeoning friendship — distance, political alignment, radically different comedic sensibilities — that it pays to be a little discerning. My friend instincts have become so finely tuned over the years that I can quickly perceive points of incompatibility (i.e. Stage 5 clingers, downer vibes, “entire personality appears to be Peace Corps diarrhea stories,” etc.) and begin evasive maneuvers immediately. Some people are destined to stay strangers, and that’s okay!
Watch for signs of mutual friend chemistry and then — this is important — invite them along to do something. And give them a couple tries. Mutual interest tends to make itself known with time.
“I don’t often become “fast friends” with folks, but one time at a bar, a guy I just met offered to help me with my upcoming move within the city and when he followed through on that, it was a cemented bond (I reciprocated when he and his partner moved, too)”
“We’re not friends *yet* but I guy stopped me on the street asking for directions and now if I can bring myself to do it we’re gonna get brunch once I’m back from vacation.”
I really hope that brunch date ends up happening.
If you’re feeling dispirited in your search for new friends, take some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone and that friendship has a way of springing up in the strangest of places.
Our readers wrote in with stories of finding friendship standing on the subway platform, on the steps of the Supreme Court, and “in the middle of a room of gay Republicans.” A surprising number of you have even made friends waiting in line for the bathroom at various locales around the city.
Maybe the first hurdle to making new friends is actually just admitting you want more friends. We often feel that friendship should be effortless. There’s a worry about coming off as too desperate or too interested; but when we play that game, we all lose. Somebody has to risk an awkward moment and make the first move — it may as well be you.
