We Analyzed The DC Bachelorette Contestants So You Don’t Have To
Not like that, jeez.
It’s everyone’s favorite time of year, when we all watch what my sophomore year women’s studies professor once referred to as “an entire show consisting of the first three minutes of a gangbang porno” — no, it’s not Saturday afternoon at your coworker’s boyfriend Chip’s rooftop pool…it’s the Bachelorette!
Gents from far and wide have been assembled to win the heart and rose (the token of approval bestowed to the chosen men each week, which carries absolutely zero symbolism for feminine purity and sexual selectivity in the universe of this show) of our fair Bachelorette, Hannah. No, not that Hannah, the other one! Though full disclosure, I thought it was the entirely different Hannah until, like, a week ago. If you’re new to the Bachelor universe, it’s common to get to the final four and still not know who these people are, it’s what keeps you interested when you’ve seen one too many weird C-list country star private concert serenades.
At the ripe age of 24, Hannah has decided to hitch her wagon to one of 33 men that she will meet on Monday night, with three suitors hailing from the DC area. Now, I don’t fancy myself an expert on dating in DC, but as someone who has lived here since 2011 and once went on not one but two dates with someone who worked on Martin O’Malley’s campaign, I like to think I have some wisdom from my advanced spinsterhood that might benefit our fair Bachelorette about the kind of DC men she’ll become acquainted with. And if none of them win her heart then, well… there’s always cashing in on doing a meet-and-greet in Clarendon.
Let’s get to it!
#1. Joey, 33
Finance Manager
Bethesda, MD
You know the mannequins in the window of the Sports Zone store in DCUSA? The ones that are comically beefy, have a threatening yet sexual energy, are standing slightly akimbo to allow for full flexion of bulging plastic biceps, and might just come alive to tell me about how his pre-workout shake has caffeine in it so he doesn’t need coffee? This is the vibe I get from Joey.
With an asymmetrical haircut that suggests a previous Ed Hardy phase, Joey is the kind of man that you match with on Tinder and leads with “I would love to make you smile like that” and calls you a cunt when you don’t message back. I don’t know what finance managers do, but I’m guessing it involves a lot of yelling on the phone to “get me those numbers by COB.”
Joey probably frequents Penn Social and enjoys talking down to women he’s on dates with. The extent of his “adventures” is likely the time he and his buddies took some mildly disrespectful pictures while hungover at Angkor Wat. Longshot. Next!
#2. John Paul Jones, 24
John Paul Jones
Lanham, MD
One of my favorite parts of the Bachelor universe is when someone doesn’t have a real job and they make up something batshit to fill the chiron. This season, we have been given the gift of John Paul Jones. Occupation? John Paul Jones. Now I don’t know a lot about John Paul Jones apart from his favorite drink being champagne and that he allegedly doesn’t use words with less than three syllables (which is handy because “guillotine the bourgeoisie” meets JPJ’s standard), but I can guarantee that this is the kind of man that you’re disappointed to see at the rooftop bar of Roofer’s Union on a weekend, standing with five other men that are all wearing the exact same outfit. His favorite song is Wagon Wheel and has no idea why you just brought up Bob Dylan. JPJ has a Bumble picture with his mom but then expresses his desire to “tittyfuck you” after you ask what he does for a living.
#3. Luke S., 29
Political Consultant
Washington, DC
I’ve dated this man. Many of you have dated this man. This is a man who has “views are my own” in his Twitter bio but mostly retweets people who are smarter than him. This is a man that cancels your date because he has a last-minute “work thing on the Hill”, and then an hour later he posts a “cheers!” boomerang of him and his coworkers with champagne flutes. This is a man that takes a really long time to order at the bar because you’re pretty sure he’s flirting with the bartender more than with you, under the guise of ordering the best Japanese whiskey from the list. This is a man who tells you that all of his prior relationships have been with “blonde women who have ambition” but then in the same breath says — dead shark eyes trained on you — that he needs a partner that can “keep it casual” and handle his “crazy work schedule” (read: always coming second…in every sense of the phrase). This is a man who you’ve unironically gone to Decades with, for fuck’s sake, because his aloof sexual charisma kept you in a haze of desperation that made you go against every single survival instinct to stay out of south Dupont at 2am on a Saturday night.
Luke allegedly “once hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush,” but what’s more likely is that he ghosted you after your third date and requested to join your professional network on LinkedIn months later.
Hannah, if my years in DC interacting with Lukes have taught me anything, it is that he will go to the final three, Fantasy Suite your ass, and then dump you on a beach in St. Lucia… or in that little triangle park with the twinkly lights in front of the Line. Run.
