20 New Years Resolutions for Bad Girls

Resolutions are like condoms — they aren’t meant to be broken

Photo by Inga Seliverstova from Pexels

1. I promise to give the Magic Wand a much-needed break and try another vibrator. As they say, you’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily.
2. I plan to do more yoga. Because there’s this leg over the head sex position I really want to try.
3. I will limit myself to only one glass of alcohol a day. But if that includes taking swigs straight from the bottle, then that’s okay too (one bottle = one drink).
4. I will avoid sleeping with guys only because they have tattoos. Or beards. Or puppies.
5. I shall continue to try and sleep with that guy down the street who has tattoos, a beard, and a puppy.
6. I will eat at least one plant-based meal each day (weed is a plant, right?)
7. I will open up a savings account. Because really, that’s just smart.
8. I won’t rely on men to give me all the sexual pleasure I deserve. A little lube, Pornhub, and a few fingers will go a long way (and won’t snore in your face after).
9. I promise to bring more kindness to the world. And that means giving blow jobs without expecting oral sex in return.
10. I will make sure to take my birth control pill at the same time…