25 Thoughts I Had While Giving a Hand Job

Ms. Part Time Wino
Aug 3 · 3 min read

High school me would be so proud!

  1. Not in the mood for sex. Too tired for a blow job. I guess we’re settling for the awkward consolation prize of sex world — hand jobs!
  2. I seriously can’t remember the last time I did this, but let’s give it a shot. I guess.
  3. Oh, I remember. It was in the back of a movie theater when I was in high school. I think we were watching Elf? Haha — great film.
  4. Geez, I forgot how dry hand jobs were. Should I lick it? Or just spit in my hand? Maybe he prefers lube. But I bet he’ll be super offended if I ask him to bring out the lube…
  5. Ah fuck it, I’ll just give you a mini blow job.
  6. That’s all the tongue teasing you get mister. Now look at that — it’s so slippery! Like one of those water wiggly snake things from the 90s.
  7. Damnit, everything is dry again.
  8. This is so horrible. There’s no way in hell he’s enjoying this. But I guess it’s still hard, so that’s a bonus.
  9. Ugh, where do I look? Staring at him in the eyes is too creepy, but just watching his penis seems even weirder. Maybe I’ll just glance around the room and whistle. If I was giving a blow job, I could at least close my eyes.
  10. Moaning while giving a hand job is too fake, right? It would be like saying, “Oh, your dick feels so amazing against my fingers. The palm of my hand has never felt such pleasure before!”
  11. I wonder how he masturbates? Does he just go up and down like this?
  12. Or does he do this twisting motion thing? Ohhhhh he seems to like it this way. I’ll just do this movement from now on.
  13. …except now my wrist is fuckin’ killing me. Time to switch to my left hand.
  14. Oh no, this is even worse. It’s like fumbling around for a flopping fish. I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me. I promise never to try anything this stupid again in the future.
  15. He definitely hates this.
  16. Shit, I forgot to play with his balls. Just gonna do a little reacharound and give them a little tickle here.
  17. Look! They’re getting tighter! Does that mean what I think it means…?
  18. It sure does. His moaning is louder. His hips are bucking. It’s time to drive this bad boy to completion!
  19. I can’t believe I’m giving a successful hand job. Teenage me would be so proud and probably slightly embarrassed of adult me! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet. We have the make him orgasm first.
  20. And uhm, speaking of orgasms, where will his junk go?
  21. Oh God, will it just splatter everywhere like a bug hitting a windshield? Will it fly into my eyes? Will it drench my sheets? I should have thought this through — but it’s too late now.
  22. Sorry dude, it’s just gonna have to go over your body.
  23. Shake shake shake shake shake shake!
  24. Woah, look at it fly! Godspeed little fellas!
  25. Uhm, you’re asleep already? *points to crotch* What about my needs? And that, my friends, is why I never give hand jobs.

Sex and Satire

Who says sex can’t be funny?

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