I Don't Want To Be The Lone Ranger At The Nudist Camp

Nor have a flaccid pistol

Mark Tulin
Sex and Satire
Published in
3 min readJan 25, 2021

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Nudist Campe Nearby. Photo by Hughesdarren, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons
Nudist Campe Nearby. Photo by Hughesdarren, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

I dreaded going to the nudist camp, but I went because my old hippy girlfriend Melanie kept encouraging me to express my sexuality and not be so uptight about my body.

"Don't worry," she said, "you stack up, penis-wise. I've seen the campers before, and you have nothing to worry about down there."

Melanie had an impressive body and nothing to fear, but I was flabby around the middle and one of those people who shouldn't be walking around naked.

"Everybody is flaccid, she said. "No one will compare genital or breast sizes."

What if I had the only dick standing at attention while the others were at ease? How can I harness it so I won't stick out from the crowd? Maybe I'll recall the one person I'd never have sex with.

I conjured an image of my old homely math teacher, Mrs. Wartheimer. There's no way I get an erection looking at her naked.

Melanie massaged my shoulders. "You'll be fine," she whispered. "It's no big deal. Imagine going to the park, only you're naked, and no one cares what's hanging from your groin. Everything becomes natural once you're in the camp for five minutes."

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Mark Tulin
Sex and Satire

I escaped a therapy career to follow a dream. Poetry/Humor/Sexuality/Doodler/Storyteller — https://crowonthewire.com