The “blurry” lines of consent
I was in bed with my first sexual partner. He began rubbing my vulva over the top of my underwear. Despite me saying stop, he kept rubbing me. I don’t even remember this incidence myself and I don’t remember what we did after that — I only know of it because he told me about it years later, calling it a “little rape”.
I wish I had been stronger.
The second time I ever had PIV (penis-in-vagina) penetrative sex, the man I was with pulled out and masturbated ejaculated onto my breasts while kneeling above me. Nothing was discussed prior, nothing was said during, and nothing was said after, he just came on me. I felt shocked and degraded as his cum dripped off me onto the bed. I actually felt bad that I had let it drip onto his sheets — I MEAN CMON FUCK. Looking back, I realise he probably saw it in porn and thought it was okay to do it before talking about it first. I still remember the look in his eyes as he did it and I felt like nothing.
I wish I had been stronger.
One time I had sex with my partner while I was drunk and he was sober. I wanted it, I asked for it, and I enjoyed it. But the next morning I woke up and something didn’t sit right with me. It made me think about something that I read briefly only once before — that a drunk person can never give consent. Reading more about this notion that day I realised how true I felt this was. A drunk person can never give consent. Not if they’re your partner, not if they’ve given it a few hours earlier and not even if you love them. After that night my partner and I made a rule not to have sex if one of us had had more than 3 drinks.
I wish I had been stronger.
I was overseas and went out with a group from the hostel to a bar. I walked back to the hostel with a man from the group as the whole group was heading back around that time. When we got close to the hostel he asked to kiss me. I said no, I can’t, and I had a boyfriend (which I had also said earlier to him). I remember him grabbing both my wrists in his hands and him trying to convince me. “He won’t know”, “c’mon”, “I’ll make you cum”, I remember those words he said to me as he held me close to him. When I said no for at least the 3rd time, I remember him releasing my wrists, spinning on his heel and walking off to the room. He didn’t speak to me again while we were there. I felt sick the next day, I felt like a tease, I must have led him on somewhere, surely, it must be my fault, he’s so angry. It must be my fault. I felt guilty telling my boyfriend.
But it wasn’t my fucking fault. He knew I had a boyfriend and still wanted something. It wasn’t my fucking fault that he didn’t take no the first time. I remember thinking back to that night and how deserted it had been around the hostel. I was lucky he had just walked away.
I wish I had been stronger.
One time I was touching my boyfriend’s penis and he told me if I wanted to be fingered then I had to go down on him. He knew I didn’t want to do that and I had said so to him just before. Why were my sexual acts up for bargaining? Why had he asked me to do something that he knew I didn’t want to? Why did I do it anyway.
I wish I had been stronger.
One time I was having penetrative sex with a new partner. I asked him if he if wanted me to go down on him and he said yes so we took the condom off and I started. After a while I asked if he wanted to go back to having penetrative sex and he said “well we took the condom off, now you have to keep going”. I remember these words exactly because they made my skin crawl. He quickly said he didn’t mean it like that but just that we had already used the condom. Despite the fact we had more condoms and could have easily put another one on, it shouldn’t even matter. Don’t ever use the words “have to” to someone when you’re having sex with them. Ever. I kept going anyway.
I wish I had been stronger.
Multiple times with men they have been on top of me as we make out. They then push their penis up against my vagina as if that is an appropriate way to ask if I want them inside of me. It’s like them pushing their penis against me is their way of saying “eh?” “u up for it?” “ehh?” “ehhhhhh?????”. If I don’t stop them they take that as consent to go inside me. Pushing your dick up against someone is not a way of asking for consent to be inside of them. This is not consent.
I wish I had been stronger.
Men, both boyfriends and casual relationships, have asked me if I want to do something. I have sometimes answered “maybe” because the answer is really no and either I don’t want to hurt their feelings, or because I want to do it but just not yet. They have taken maybe to mean yes. This is not consent.
I wish I had been stronger.
A few weeks ago I went out with a man. At the start of the night I said I didn’t want to do anything sexual because we had been drinking. Later on, he asked to stay over at mine and joked “oh but you can’t have sex with me, that’s the rule” with a wink, making fun of my boundary.
He came back to mine where we made out. Twice he went to move his hand in my underwear and I pulled his hand away. Why didn’t I tell him to fuck off right there and then? I wish I had been stronger.
A few hours after we went to sleep I woke up to him kissing my breasts and nipples. He then pulled my underwear aside and started licking my cunt before I was properly awake. I was shocked but it felt pleasurable, and I didn’t stop him right away. He did not ask for verbal consent at any point, he just did it. Later on he said I had woken him up by touching his penis and said “there was only so many times you could touch my penis before I….”. I remember these exact words because they made me feel so guilty, like a tease, like I asked for it.
I don’t know if I did accidentally touch him in my sleep, or whether he lied, but I will wonder the truth for the rest of my life. I felt so much shame for the next few days. Like who the fuck was I that night? Why didn’t I push him off right away and tell him to get the fuck out? I talk so much about consent and healthy sexual relationships but yet I felt like I played into the classic narrative of the man just has to “keep trying until she says yes”. A kind friend reminded me that I had never actually said yes, I had just stopped physically stopping him.
The truth is, it doesn’t matter whether I had accidentally touched him in my sleep. Prior touching, prior kissing, prior fucking anything is not a substitute for consent. He did not ask me once if I wanted something that night. This is not consent.
Yes, I wish I had been stronger.
But also no, I should not have to be fucking stronger. These men should learn to understand consent better.
I know what you might be thinking. It’s not that bad, it’s not like I was raped. Trust me, I think the same thing. I am lucky. I could have been raped multiple times in my life.
But this is exactly the point I’m trying to make. My point is that not gaining consent at any level can be so toxic and scary, and can lead to much more serious violations. I genuinely believe that most of these men wanted me to feel pleasure and have a good time. But what they missed is gaining proper consent before doing something which ended up with things happening I did not want.
My point is that nearly everybody doesn’t understand consent properly, and it’s really fucking damaging. We all have to do this massive unlearning when it comes to sexual consent. Pressuring, misinterpreting, assuming, pushing, intimidation, all lead to unwanted sex and sexual assault.
My point is that consent should not be blurry. The basics of consent are actually really easy. Have you asked if they want something? Yes? Good. Have they wanted it? Yes? Good. Carry on.
My point is that consent is so fucking simple but yet people are fucking it up big time. Consent and sexual assault become this “blurry” grey area and we see this play out in court. Where women are told “they wanted it”, “they didn’t push them off”, “they sleep around all the time”, “they were drunk”, “they were wearing lingerie”. For fuck sake, no.
In society we’re taught to guess what the other person wants in sex. Touch her here, take his pants off, put their hand there, kiss her without asking because it’s romantic, go down on her first because then she’ll want to fuck, pull her underwear aside, flip her over, cum on her tits. Men who have sex with women are taught this really fucked up narrative of ‘taking the lead’, ‘taking charge’, keep trying things and seeing if she says no. Which means it’s men who are predominantly crossing the boundary of proper consent into the big dark void of violation and assault.
My point is that not having absolutely fantastic consent practices means that it is more likely that people will get hurt, more likely boundaries will be crossed and more likely that society will see sexual assault and rape as acceptable. Not practicing good sexual consent should be part of this pyramid.
What is proper consent? It is Verbal (or non-verbal sign if not using spoken language), and it is enthusiastic.
That means that you ask if someone wants something before you do it.
And they answer with a firm “yes”.
Consent is ongoing (check in throughout the sexual experience with your partner), revocable (it can be taken away at any time without needing a reason) and is mandatory.
Verbal consent should be gained with EVERYTHING. Kissing, taking clothes off someone, lying on top off someone, sucking, licking, touching, penetrating, toys, dirty talk, contraception, and all the other parts of sex that could be truly wonderful when everyone wants it.
I’ve cried a lot after that night a few weeks ago. I realised that while my worst fear is being raped as I walk home at night, the men I should be really afraid of are the ones I let into my home.
We are all taught really fucked up things about sex and consent as we grow up, and it’s all our job to unlearn these practices in order to have safe, healthy, sexy, incredible intimate moments with each other.
