The language of sex
It was only in the last few years that I really started looking at the language I was using around sex and bodies. How we speak to each other during sexual experiences matters. It can affect how comfortable we feel, how aroused, how respected, how understood and how safe.
- PIV — Penis-in-vagina sex
This has honestly felt like the most important change I’ve made because I finally feel like my language is inclusive of queer sex and reflects a sex-positive attitude.
We have to stop framing penis in vagina sex as the be-all end-all when it comes to sexual experience. Like, fuck. I’m seriously done with this shit.
The word ‘sex’ should not automatically mean penis in vagina, because it completely ignores that other sexual activities are sex, not just “other stuff”, “other sexual stuff”, “foreplay”, or any other terms we like to use. They’re all versions of sex, involving other body parts or other movements or other pleasures or basically anything you fucking want it to be.
Sucking a penis is still sex. Cunnilingusis still sex. Fingering someone is still sex. Rubbing each other is still sex. Period sex is still sex. Stimulating the perineum is still sex. Touching the prostate is still sex. Using a dildo is still sex. Using a vibrator is still sex. Using toys is still sex.
The statistics vary, but it is estimated that only 25–40% of people with vaginas, reliably orgasm through PIV. But yet, we often hold this one type of sex on a pedestal as the most important, the very best, the “home run”. Ugh.
How long did I feel like my orgasm was inferior because I use a vibrator for it? How long did I feel like using the vibrator wasn’t really part of the “sex” with a partner, and more of thing that we tacked on after? I still feel like this and have to fight it. I have to remind myself that the way I cum is valid, and is part of sex.
Straight, cis people will often use the word “sex” assuming it means male-penis in female-vagina which completely ignores queer sex and basically anything that doesn’t fit the heternormative narrative of sex we’re bombarded with our whole fucking lives. It’s amazing how often you realise that the word “sex” is being used to mean this narrow, one-type view of sex when you look for it — how does your partner use it? In movies what language do they use? In the commonly queer-erasing and useless sex-ed class what did they say about sex? It’s important we all fight the erasure of other forms of sex.
You may be thinking “I mean of course, all types of sex are great, but when I use the word “sex” my partner/friends think I mean PIV and what’s wrong with that? If I start using it to mean everything sexual then it’s unnecessary or confusing.” Nooooope I don’t care what you think is easiest or most accepted, I care about us changing our language to reflect understanding that all types of sex are valid and celebrated, and come under the word “sex” .
A year or so ago I changed to saying “penetrative sex” to counter this. But then I realised that that completely ignores the fact that penetration can be in multiple places and not just by a penis — it could be a tongue, mouth, finger, toys, objects, and these are just as valid forms of sex. So I switched to saying “PIV”.
To anyone who may need to hear it: The way you cum is fantastic. The way you want to have sex is important. The way you have sex, however that is, is valid.
2. The words we use for our bodies
I read somewhere a few years ago that is important to ask partners what they want their body parts to be called. And I was like, fuck. Yes.
Having the choice of what language is used for your body can be empowering, demonstrates mutual respect with partners, and should be part of never-ending discussion and learning about sex between partners.
The day I switched to calling my cunt, my cunt, was a great fucking day. When men used to talk about my “vagina” it made me feel like my cunt was shriveling up from cringe. When they said “pussy” without us discussing it first, I felt like they were copying porn language. Using the word cunt makes me feel in control, powerful and sexy.
‘Vagina’ actually refers to the canal, not the whole area, but yet many people use the word in that way without knowing much about the area they’re incorrectly including — the vulva, labia, clitoris, clitoral hood, urethra.
Note: It was only in the past year that I learnt that we’re only seeing a tiny part of the clitoris and actually it’s quite a large structure under the surface.
I mean isn’t that fucking amazing?
When I am with a new partner I listen to what words they use to describe their body parts during sex, and will ask what word they would like me to use if I’m unsure.
I’m not saying that using any word is better than another — use pussy, use vagina, use flower, cookie, punani, private part, my sex, penis, cock, dick, willy, breasts, tits, boobs, chest, balls, testicals, butt, booty, ass, bottom — use whatever you god damn well want because you get to choose.
3. Ask, don’t tell
Unless discussed previously, ask someone to do something, don’t tell them.
If you want to make sure that your partner wants to do something, is feeling okay to do it in that moment, understands what you want properly, and feels comfortable enough to say no, don’t tell them to do something. Eg. “Do this, take this off, suck me here, touch me there, go fast, go rougher”.
It is pretty fucking easy to reframe it as “Would you mind ____?” “How do you feel about_____” “Do you want _____?” “Could I____?”
Reasons that do not negate the need to ask:
- You have been together for years
- You have had sex before
- You have just had sex
- You are in the middle of sex and are about to switch to another type of sex
- If you are naked
- If you are drunk
- If you “know” what they want from their body language
- If someone has put on a condom
Ask don’t tell. This is one way that we ensure consent is ongoing in a sexual interaction.
