Be Mindful When Deciding to Self-Disclose

There are pros and cons to sharing details about your life with your clients; learn about them here.

Sharing details about your personal life with your clients is called self-disclosure. Sometimes this practice is beneficial, but it also comes with risks.

It’s important for sex coaches to understand the pros and cons of self-disclosure and decide how to apply it in their own private practices.

Some self-disclosures happen accidentally (like running into a client at a store, for example), and others are simply unavoidable (such as when a coach or therapist is pregnant or walks with a cane).

However, when it comes to sharing things like your personal experiences, your sexual orientation, your struggles, what you like to do on vacation, your relationship status, your sexual preferences, etc — these types of information are either shared deliberately by you OR are publicly available (i.e. online) where your client could easily find them. Beware of that fine thin line between staying professional and revealing too much personal information!

Self-Disclosure Can Be Helpful, in Certain Situations

Disclosure is a difficult topic. On the one hand, clients may approach you because they resonate with your story, or find it easier to open up about a topic because they know you have been through something similar.

When done mindfully and for the right reasons, self-disclosure can benefit the client and the coaching relationship.

For example, when you have a client who identifies as LGBTQIA+, your rapport and the trust the client has in you increases if you self-disclose your own sexual orientation, especially if it also falls in that category.

Don’t Let Self-Disclosure Be a Boundary Violation

Reveal too much and some clients may not feel comfortable or they may feel like they can’t trust you. In fact, if done for the wrong reasons, self-disclosure can even be harmful to your clients. When your motivation to disclose is tainted by your own needs, this is a problem.

The arrow should always be pointing at the client, not you. If you decide to self-disclose, you’re crossing the coach-client boundary — there’s no way around that. However, if you decide to self-disclose for any reason other than to help your client, you’re violating a boundary: for your client and for yourself. Always stay aware of your ethics and don’t act against them!

Balance Authenticity and Transparency with Integrity

You will see many coaches online and on social media that are very transparent about their lives — including their relationships, their story, their sexual journey, and what wounds they have overcome. Many online personalities and coaches pride themselves on their transparency, and their followers love them for this.

While we don’t doubt that many of these stories are genuine, you must remember this:

These influencers may also be using their story to promote their brand — for example, having overcome sexual abuse, a person claims they are now an expert on recovery from such abuse.

You may have done this, too, by telling your story online — through blogging, podcasts, social media, or videos. Social media has blurred and shifted the boundary between the personal and the professional

Take care to use good judgment in your disclosure with clients during sessions and in your marketing materials. Authenticity and integrity are two of your best tools if you want to be seen as a professional.

How Much Self Disclosure is Too Much?

So how much self-disclosure in a sex coaching session is okay and where should we draw the line?

In short, there is no strict rule, except this: whatever you disclose must only ever be for the client’s benefit. This one is easy to remember, since effective sex coaching always aims to put the client first.

Don’t make your client YOUR coach or therapist. If you haven’t fully processed something in your life, seek out a professional and do your own work on your own time. Avoid speaking on topics in a way that invites (or pushes) your client to offer advice. Remember who’s paying who!

Here’s what you need to consider before you start working, and before you post anything online:

• Take some time to get clear on what you feel comfortable disclosing, and to whom. There are different levels of disclosure, depending on who we are with. Now is the time to clarify this before it comes up in session or online.
• When you are in session with a client and you want to disclose something, check in with yourself and ask, “Who’s this really for?” Is this truly for your client’s benefit, or to make yourself feel better? If you struggle to quickly think of how sharing something personal will truly help the client, you have your answer.
• Similarly, before you publish something related to your personal life on social media or online, be mindful of who will see this. Is it in line with your brand? Will telling this story help attract your ideal clients? Or are you using it as a form of therapy? If visitors detect neediness in your online copy, they’ll hesitate to work with you as a coach.
• Remember that anything you publish online will be in the public domain and could be used against you. Do you feel completely comfortable in integrity and clarity when publishing this, and able to handle any possible consequences? Try to take on an outside perspective when reading what you share. Look for anything that could easily be misinterpreted or taken out of context.
• Check if disclosing something will put you at personal risk or could potentially damage your professional reputation. Carefully consider if you really want to check in at the same yoga studio every week on social media, or if it’s really important to share a revealing opinion unrelated to sexuality. We always want to give our clients — past, present, and future alike — the benefit of a doubt, but it’s better to minimize the risk for danger.

Check out this excellent article about self-disclosure for more information on this important and sensitive topic.

Being mindful and intentional about self-disclosure will protect both you and your client. Remember, you are the only one who can determine the motivation behind your desire to share something personal with a client.

If you make sure your intentions are pure and you’re sharing only for the benefit of the client and the coaching relationship, you can probably relax.

After disclosing personal information, take some time on your own to reflect. How did you feel before you decided to share something? How did you feel while sharing it, and how do you feel after the fact? Pay attention to the thoughts and emotions that arise from your decision and use them to inform your self-disclosure decisions going forward.

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