How Personal Boundaries Lead To Hot & Healthy Sexual Relationships
Personal boundaries underpin the hottest, most successful sexual relationships. Knowing and expressing your boundaries helps you teach your partner how you want to be treated and leaves no room for guesswork. Think about it: How can your partner consistently please you when you haven’t told them how or what to avoid?
Personal boundaries establish a mutual agreement, mutual consent, and an understanding of your sexual limits and desires. What are your turn-offs? It could be about frequency, sexual comments, public display of attention, unwanted sexual touch, or your expectations around others’ involvement in your sex life.
Picture this! You go on a date with a prospective lover and find them charming. Your date goes well, and you tell them you love it when a partner cooks for you. They also mention to you that they love cooking, and you get more excited… but you forget to tell them about your peanut allergies.
A week later, you sleep over at their place and have a great time. Your partner decides to make you breakfast in bed to please you. They make you their famous pancakes that everybody they’ve met says they love. You are awed by the gesture and are more convinced that you chose right. What they didn’t tell you is that these are peanut butter pancakes.
You start eating, and your throat starts tightening immediately. You start itching and turn red all over. You go into full panic mode and scream, “Did you use peanut butter?” Your partner, who’s also scared, nods and grabs his phone to dial 911. You gasp “I have peanut allergies.”
Discussing allergies is as vital as discussing boundaries in relationships. Personal boundaries define your do’s and don’ts in a sexual relationship. They are about your expectations, dislikes, pet peeves, and what makes you uncomfortable.
By understanding and learning to express your personal sexual boundaries, you will be able to deal with many of the roadblocks to your sexual expression and freedom, which can help you enjoy the most incredible sex of your life.
The Benefits of Personal Boundaries
By discussing boundaries, you open up and verbalize your feelings about every sexual act you find intolerable. Does a sex position trigger a memory of a traumatizing experience you once had? Does oral sex make you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable? How far are you willing to go? What aren’t you ready to explore now?
When you communicate your personal boundaries, it sets the stage for your partner to share theirs, too. They expect you to respect those boundaries, as they respect yours. Personal boundaries help you both feel safe, calm, and relaxed. You are confident in the knowledge that your partner won’t do anything to make you uncomfortable. You are secure enough to let go and not be constantly in your head, worrying about what might go wrong. It’s liberating!
The boundaries discussion leads to hotter sex because it encourages a deep connection. It reignites the spark in your sexual relationship. Let’s be honest: How often do you meet a partner who gets you? Think about how fun your sexual experiences can be when your needs, feelings, and desires are known and understood by your partner!
How To Set Boundaries In Relationship
From the onset of relationships, sex is far more exciting when personal boundaries are established. Think of it as an instruction manual that comes along with kitchen equipment. How do you use it effectively if you have no idea what the do’s and don’ts are?
The setting of boundaries is never-ending. It’s an ongoing discussion that begins with knowing what your personal boundaries are.
Know Your Boundaries
How do you communicate your boundaries to a sexual partner if you don’t know them? What are your expectations from the sexual relationship? What do you want your partner to do before sex? What do you want them to do during sex? What do you want to do after? What does foreplay mean to you? Which sexual acts do you find intolerable? What kinks have you explored?
To make it easier for you, think back on your past sexual experiences. Were there instances where you resented something your partner did during sex, before sex, or outside sex?
Do these to learn what your personal boundaries are:
- Make a list of every sexual act you know of.
- Start with touch and kissing, and don’t exclude anything, even things you’ve sworn you’ll never do.
- Then put a tick, cross, or hyphen by each sexual act to signify which ones you love, your turn-offs, or the ones you aren’t exactly sure of.
Discuss Your Boundaries
Your partner can only know your boundaries if you communicate them clearly. Ideally, personal limitations should be discussed early on in the relationship. The conversation should be had in the talking stage and revisited occasionally, or whenever you discover something new you don’t like.
However, if you are already in a sexual relationship, it’s never too late to initiate the discussion about boundaries. Pick a time outside of a sexual setting. Start by telling your partner all the things you enjoy during sex. Move on to the things that make you uncomfortable and those you never want to do with them.
You can use the same list you developed for yourself of everything you like and the things you find intolerable. Your partner should make a similar list and discuss each item on that list. Talk about what you don’t like clearly and don’t leave room for ambiguity. It could be impact play. Maybe your pain threshold isn’t high, so you find spanking extremely painful and uncomfortable. Let your partner know that! Understanding your reason for not wanting something makes it easier to avoid it.
On the other hand, you should never need to justify your boundaries to have them respected.
Consequences for Crossed Boundaries
A discussion of personal boundaries isn’t complete if your partner doesn’t know the consequences for crossing those boundaries. It’s a clear line between consensual and non-consensual sex. If your partner disrespects your boundaries and disregards your feelings about them, follow through with the consequences.
Note these signs of crossed boundaries:
- Anger
- Discomfort
- Anxiety
- Fear
- Guilt
- Resentment
Once Is Never Enough
Humans are constantly evolving. Your desires, needs, and dislikes change over time. You might discover something new that makes you uncomfortable during sex. In the heat of the moment, what do you do? You might develop an aversion toward something you previously enjoyed. You might feel more comfortable exploring something on your don’t list.
Boundaries should be discussed regularly in a relationship. It could be monthly, every quarter of the year, or whatever timeframe works for you. They should also be addressed whenever you feel uncomfortable about something a partner does or says to you. If it happens during sex, draw their attention to it, and explain why you don’t like it.
Safewords are essential, too! They are needed for safe and pleasurable sexual experiences. Saying that word alerts your partner that your boundary has been crossed. Think of it as an alarm that draws your partner’s attention to the fact that something isn’t right. A respectful partner will stop doing whatever they are doing to check in with you. Right after, you need to have a discussion about what happened and the way forward.
Do you have a safeword? If not, have a discussion with your partner and choose one that works for you. It could be “yellow,” like in Fifty Shades of Grey, or “sandwich,” or something you are allergic to. Ideally, your safeword should be a word or term you would be highly unlikely to say naturally in the heat of the moment.
But what if, in a highly aroused state, you find it difficult to speak? Maybe you are being consensually choked, or you have a ball gag in your mouth. How do you signify to your partner when your boundaries are crossed if you can’t utter a safeword?
In these scenarios, it’s important to also have an agreed-upon safe sign. It could be a tap on your partner’s body, hitting the surface of something, snapping your fingers, or dropping something on the floor to alert your partner that something isn’t right. Whatever you decide to use, your partner should know and understand why it is essential.
When To See a Professional
Quite often, people find it hard to verbalize their feelings and desires, which can make it hard to discuss boundaries or speak up when your boundaries are being crossed. If you find it challenging to discuss your insecurities and limits with a partner or your partner cannot verbally express their thoughts and feelings regarding their boundaries, seeing a sex coach can be beneficial. A sex coach can help you identify the roadblock in your path to sexual expression for the most fulfilling sexual experiences. Visit WorldAssociationOfSexCoaches.org to find a certified sex coach who can help you.
