How to Handle Emotional Triggers in a Sex Coaching Session

Episodes can come on swiftly and unexpectedly; know what you should — and shouldn’t — do for your client.

Have you noticed how often people include “TW” or “trigger warning” before they share something that could be emotionally upsetting to others?

Trigger warnings are like the content advisories shown before a movie or TV show: before viewing, you get that familiar heads up about adult language, nudity, graphic violence, or more. In the years following the increased awareness of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, as well as the sharing around #whyididntreport, more people recognize the importance of giving the option to avoid distressing content.

Not to be taken lightly, triggers can be devastating to those affected by trauma.

Do you understand what a trigger is, why trigger warnings are important, and how to handle it if a client is triggered during a session?

Triggers are terms, images, or descriptions of things that remind someone of a traumatic event in their own past. However, the reaction goes beyond just a painful memory. When someone is triggered, the emotional trauma of that past event is being relived in the present moment. This emotional reaction is usually accompanied by bodily reactions to stress and trauma and can affect a person’s cognitive ability, as well.

For instance, a sexual assault survivor who sees images of someone else being assaulted (like a rape scene in a movie) may experience a recurrence of the terror they felt during their own experience. That terror may manifest as a racing heart, rapid and shallow breathing, a sensation of their throat closing or their stomach clenching painfully. Their limbs may shake, they may go pale, and their eyes wide. They may start crying or completely shutting down.

They may or may not be cognitively aware of what’s happening to them. When humans are emotionally flooded, our brains are designed to reduce or shut down cognitive processing, so our bodies can simply react to the stressor. Once upon a time, those stressors were all life-threatening (a tiger, perhaps). If we had to think about what to do during times of danger, we may not react quickly enough.

Today, although you probably deal with stressors more frequently than your ancestors, they’re typically a lot less deadly. Since evolution is a slow process, however, your brain does not know this — at least, not right away. Even though you’re not in imminent danger, your brain takes over and drives your physical, mental, and emotional instincts into survival mode.

So now people have learned that simply placing “TW” or “Trigger Warning” at the beginning of potentially problematic posts is a way to let others make their own decision about whether to read/view something, based on what they understand to be their ability to handle potentially triggering things.

Candid conversations don’t come with trigger warnings.

Unfortunately, people aren’t always aware of what will trigger them, especially if they’ve buried the memory of a past assault or any other triggering event. An unexpected triggering can happen when we talk about and work with sexuality. So what do you do if someone is suddenly triggered during your session?

Sex coaches are not therapists, but if someone breaks down with you, you need to be able to handle it so your client is emotionally safe enough to leave our office. You can then refer them out for therapy to help them work through whatever the issue is.

Your job here isn’t to “fix” or “cheer up” your client: it’s to create a safe environment in which they’re free to feel.

In the moment, staying present and not conveying alarm is the first step. Allow your client to have their emotional outburst without shaming them or trying to get them to shut it down too quickly. Speak to them in a calm, quiet, reassuring voice, letting them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling, that they’re safe, and that they’re not alone. Gently begin helping them breathe slowly and deeply through the emotion until they’re able to regain their own control.

Ask them to focus on the feeling of the chair they’re sitting on, the floor beneath their feet, what they can hear and smell and see in the room right now. These will all help ground them back into their body and the present moment.

Once the emotional flooding has largely passed, you can ask if they want to talk about what just happened. Do not push if the suggestion seems to distress them more. If your client does share something personal with you, avoid expressing pity or saying that you can relate. Thank them for their vulnerability and acknowledge your respect for whatever decision they make. Remember that you will likely need to refer them to a supportive therapist who can help them handle their trauma safely.

Over the course of your studies to become a sex coach, you may find yourself emotionally triggered. It’s good to learn where your own emotional minefields are and work through those before helping clients, whenever possible. Healers need healers, too, so don’t hesitate to seek the help of a professional, as well as support from the people in your life.

Triggers have a very real impact on us, but always remember — for yourself and for your clients: you are much more than your trauma and your triggers. Remind your clients that they need not criticize or shame themselves for whatever they may feel, and that accepting their emotions in full is a tremendous step toward healing.

Did you find this Sex Coach Tip helpful? Don’t miss out on the next one by signing up for our newsletter.