How to Withstand Toxic Shaming & Criticism

Toxic sex-based shame affects us all. Here are some suggestions for dealing with it as a sexuality professional.

Many of us come to sex coaching from an upbringing that shamed our sexuality in some way. We often feel strongly about helping other people let go of these shame-based attitudes in order to live sex positive lives, accepting and celebrating their erotic nature.

Unfortunately, just embarking on a path to help others doesn’t automatically erase our own struggles with sex-based shame. And it doesn’t mean that those people in our lives who engage in sex-based shaming behavior magically change their tune.

The harsh reality is that some people will judge you for your career as a sex coach.

We recently had a student contact us for support after a family member found out about the social media presence for their new sex coaching business and shamed them for it.

This student wasn’t the first to have family criticize their career choice, and sadly, they won’t be the last. The road to becoming and working as a sex coach is one that requires you to be vulnerable, honest, and oftentimes, uncomfortable. Even though this is necessary for growth, it’s natural to wish for your family to support you through the difficult days and celebrate your triumphs with you.

If you struggle with internalized toxic shame or with family members who engage in toxic shaming behaviors toward you, there are several things you can do to take care of yourself.

You are never, ever alone in this.

First, remember that, if you’re a student or graduate of SCU, you belong to a strong, vibrant, supportive community who are all just a keystroke away. If you’ve developed a relationship with a study buddy or accountability partner, that person can be a huge source of more personalized support.

If you’re not yet a student, join our Sex Matters Facebook group, or find another community of like-minded folks where you feel at home and supported. Cultivate relationships with individuals in that community so that you have someone you can lean on in times of need. You can also then be a support person for others.

Many people are quick to underestimate how helpful it can be to just talk with someone who gets it. Sex coaching is a growing field, but it’s still relatively small. Countless people still don’t know that we even exist! It’s easy to feel odd, isolated, and lonely when you’re around people who are likely to misjudge or not understand your career.

Love and validation, even from a peer you’ve never met, can go a long way in motivating you to press on with your important work.

Remember that criticism won’t diminish your power.

Second, we encourage you to develop self-empowerment techniques, such as journaling, affirmations, meditation, or prayer. Sign up for emails from inspirational sources. Prioritize spending time on activities that replenish you and help you to relax your mind and body.

Surround yourself with people who are positive forces for good in your life, people who inspire you and support you, people who remind you of your essential goodness, even when you feel trapped in your shadows.

When you do reach that dark, challenging place — and you inevitably will — don’t be quick to escape it. Rather than stifle the difficult thoughts and feelings that arise, observe them and honor them for what they are: a valid reaction to whatever circumstance you’re dealing with.

Fear, anger, doubt, sadness, and other kinds are pain are impossible to avoid; however, resisting them is what causes suffering, which is optional. If you model the loved ones in your life by acting as a supportive, compassionate ally to yourself, you’ll be able to feel your entire range of emotions with resilience, strength, and wisdom.

Coaches need coaches (and other professionals), too.

Third, it’s also important to consider professional help (a coach or therapist) to support you in learning how to stand up for yourself to the negative people in your life, setting firm boundaries, or even ending toxic relationships altogether.

A professional can also help you process all the emotions that come up as a result of these negative interactions, so you can learn to withstand criticism and find your own strength.

You might think that you don’t need outside help, since you have the skills to coach others through similar situations. Just remember: we’re all human, and when it comes to how we see ourselves, we’re programmed to have blind spots. It’s never a bad idea to consider that a perspective other than your own might be helpful.

It is okay to feel hurt and disappointed when someone directs criticism or shame at you, especially when it comes from people you expect to be (or hope will be) supportive of whatever works for you. You don’t need to pretend like this doesn’t affect you. Working with a competent therapist who can support you and validate you can be invaluable to your mental and emotional health.

You knew sex coaching wouldn’t be easy, and you chose it anyway.

Finally, remember your WHY. What drew you to this career path? What fires you up? What inspires you to persevere in the face of any opposition?

Remember why you felt the calling to become a sex coach. Those of us who have accepted this calling get up each day to help those who are suffering. If every sex coach decided to quit after being brushed off by strangers, disrespected by loved ones, or devastated by cutting words, there wouldn’t be any of us left! You’re in this field because you’re willing to weather all of that in the name of creating a more enlightened and accepting world.

Toxic shame affects us all. By resisting the urge to abandon your path in the face of criticism, you commit to using your own personally painful experiences to help others who are struggling.

Hang in there. Believe in yourself. We do.

What’s your best advice for someone struggling with internalized sex-based shame OR with family members shaming them for their sexuality or their efforts to help others overcome toxic shame? Please post in whatever community you’re a member of, on whatever social media platform you prefer, and use #NoMoreSexShaming. Even if you don’t have any suggestions, sometimes sharing our own stories of this sort of thing happening to us can help others to not feel so alone in this experience.

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