Is Polyamory Right for Your Couple Client?

Here’s what to know before guiding couples into polyamory.

Although polyamory has only recently gotten its big moment in the spotlight, it’s far from being a new practice. Evidence of polyamorous relationships goes so far back into our history that many researchers believe our brains have adapted for them. Despite this, our society largely presents the monogamous relationship as the only one that is “normal” and/or “natural.”

As the collective conversation about embracing human sexuality extends to a broader range of ideas, more and more people are asking the question: “Is monogamy really the best choice for everyone?”

As a sex coach, there’s a strong possibility that some of your couple clients will be curious about including more than one partner in their relationships or having separate relationships altogether. What should you consider before you recommend they try it out?

Meet your clients where they are.

Our natural programming is often overridden by our social programming, and some people will have more reservations about polyamory than others. Encourage your clients to explore the idea at a pace that feels comfortable for them.

For example, you might see a couple who are both very eager to have an open relationship, but they have not yet learned how to set strong personal boundaries. Working as a sexuality expert puts you in a position to offer a professional recommendation that works in favor of your client’s growth, rather than against it. In cases like this, it could mean encouraging your clients to proceed more slowly than they would otherwise.

With that said, polyamory is a wonderful choice for many people. Here’s one possible scenario: you’re coaching a couple, and one partner is totally unwilling to participate in the other’s most-desired sexual kink. Provided they communicate openly and are otherwise satisfied in their relationship, starting a discussion about polyamory could be helpful as a way for the kinky partner to get their needs met without imposing those behaviors on the non-kinky partner.

Remind your clients of the variety of choices they have.

When you suggest polyamory as an option to a couple, be sure to let them know there are various approaches they can take. Would they prefer to bring a single person into their relationship? Would they be more comfortable approaching couples with similar interests? Maybe they’d like the freedom to individually pursue outside relationships with others. Present your clients with different possibilities and see which ones get them curious and excited. Then give them the resources they need to have a productive conversation on their own.

Like their monogamous counterparts, polyamorous relationships thrive on clear communication, healthy boundaries, respect, and acceptance. If you’re working with a couple who needs healing in any of these areas, you might advise them to focus there, to start.

Polyamory is rarely a sound choice for couples who struggle with trust, or for couples who view it as a way to save a troubled relationship.

As always, actively observe your clients as you work together. When they speak about exploring a more open relationship, pay attention to their tone, body language, and expressed intentions. Keep an eye on the dynamic between both partners. Does one party seem less enthusiastic than the other? Do you sense that some pressure is involved? If you catch subtle clues of discomfort or apprehension, don’t let them go unaddressed.

Speaking of apprehension, you may feel it when you consider whether or not you’ll work with polyamory. While it’s important to challenge yourself to step outside of your comfort zone, strive to make this decision based on what’s in your client’s best interest. If you don’t feel comfortable or knowledgeable enough to give your clients the guidance they need, refer out to a professional who does. Some providers specialize specifically in non-monogamous relationships, and many others are well-equipped to work with them. Search the WASC directory to find a capable professional.

Regardless of how and whether your clients choose to approach polyamory, it’s vital for you to offer non-judgmental acceptance of their decision. It doesn’t matter how right you think polyamory could be for any given couple; it’s their right to decide what can work for them.

No matter what, encourage them to make their choice to either pursue some form of polyamory or to remain monogamous a conscious and informed one.