Touching in a Touch-Averse Culture

Like most things in life, touch is a spectrum.

While the touch-averse may recoil at the mere thought of a hug, the highly affectionate bask in platonic cuddling, loving massages, or a reassuring embrace.

Boundaries and bodily autonomy are essential to a healthy sense of self, and everyone has the right to dictate their own comfort level.

However, there’s been a shift favoring the “touch averse” side of affection, particularly in response to generations glued to their iPhones, changes in greeting styles mid-pandemic, and a polarizing political climate.

While some may find it relieving to avoid as much contact with others as possible, data shows otherwise.

As a “Crisis of Touch” article states, our “hyper-vigilance of boundaries” is beginning to significantly harm our wellbeing:

• Doctors and professors refrain from touching the arm of a patient or student, out of fear of a lawsuit
• Men fear demonstrating affection to other men
• Friends hesitate to reach out for a hug or kiss, while anxiously juggling the questions: “Are they vaccinated?” “Will I get covid?” “Am I violating boundaries?”

Finally, according to Sex Neuroscientist Dr. Debra Soh, Gen Z is turning out to be the least sex-positive generation we have seen in a long time, largely in part to their trends of delaying life milestones and living virtually (“iGen”). These norms have stagnated this generation’s overall ability to socialize, touch, and experience affection in the real world in healthy ways, when many of their teenage developmental years were spent honed in on an iPhone or video game.

In other words, touch is now associated with fear, avoidance, and anxiety.

It is as if the unspoken rule is: get a sex partner or deprive yourself of human contact, perpetuating the harmful notion that all touch is sexual.

The consequences of this cultural shift extend far beyond touch deprivation.

Extreme boundaries may be dividing our world more than connecting it.

The Unexpected Power of Touch

Demonstrative shows of support are essential to our health, wellbeing, growth, and social development from childhood through adulthood. Touch is the first sense we learn in the womb, and the first language we learn as humans.

Touching has deeply powerful health benefits:

• Reduces stress
• Lowers heart rate and blood pressure
• Increases natural killer cells, which are the front lines of our immune system (people who hug often are less likely to get common colds and viruses!)
• Regulates sleep and results in fewer nightmares
• Improves the brain’s ability to control fear, thanks to the release of oxytocin, better known as the “cuddle hormone”
• Boosts serotonin and lowers the level of cortisol in the body, which helps maintain a strong memory (Note: lack of touch can result in serotonin deficiency, which is linked to depressive and suicidal behavior, so touch is especially important for mental health!)
• Significantly reduces pain: supportive touch and hand-holding significantly reduces pain and changes the brain activity of those experiencing childbirth or painful procedures.
• Massage is effective in reducing ADHD symptoms and abnormal behaviors, compared to Ritalin

Additionally, being physically demonstrative involves learning social cues, understanding body language, and navigating unique personalities. Have you ever touched someone who felt stiff as a board? Or hugged someone who melted as if to say, “I needed that?”

Physically affectionate people learn how bodies respond to various types of touch, making them better supporters, stronger nonverbal communicators, and more intuitive lovers!

I find that those living in isolated worlds, particularly the tech industry, struggle with the nuances of intimate touch. Though not true for everyone, many in this cohort tend to be very uncomfortable with sensual expression, simply because they have reserved it solely for romantic partners.

This group tends to unleash their affection all at once on a partner, overwhelming their new lover with discomfort, or even aggression. I find it a reaction of deprivation. It’s like a child who has gone a year without cake, and at the first bite tries to eat the whole thing.

We can’t walk before we crawl, and I believe inviting more platonic intimacy into life can help everyone understand cues, touch, and love, so that they can share pleasurable, intuitive sensations with lovers and friends.

Touch and Social Change

As if those aren’t enticing enough reasons to shower those around you with extra affection, touch has also been associated with widespread social change. Touching could be the difference in saving lives and developing peaceful societies:

• Eye contact and a pat on the back from a doctor may boost survival rates of patients with complex diseases.
• Positive touch is proven to reduce violence, aggression, and killing in communities. This is true in both observational studies of humans and experimental studies in monkeys.

In an analysis of 49 different cultures, cultures that exhibited minimal physical affection toward their young children had significantly higher rates of adult violence. Contrastingly, cultures that showed significant amounts of physical affection toward their young children had virtually no adult violence.

Ironically, the monkey experiment involved a plexiglass wall, somewhat eerily resembling a computer screen and cyberbullying.

The monkeys could see and hear other monkeys, but they could not touch. The result was eventual, extreme aggression towards each other, and even killing when given the opportunity.

In a country rampant with school shootings and hate crimes, introducing positive touch in schools and community centers could significantly improve outcomes. In cross-cultural comparisons, for example, preschoolers and adolescents were less physically affectionate and more aggressive in the United States versus France.

How can we remain averse to something that could be the difference between life and death?

Being protective of boundaries is one thing, but isolating yourself from something so human, natural, and essential to our survival is another.

Unlearning the Fear of Touch: Touching in a Touch-Averse World

Consent is first and foremost, and touch can indeed be over-stimulating or harmful to certain populations, including some individuals with trauma reactions or neurodiversity.

That being said, we cannot continue demonizing touch as a cultural norm, especially in countries like England and the United States, that are notoriously rigid when it comes to platonic affection.

While uncomfortable for some to hear, hyper-vigilance around touch is harming us more than it is “teaching your kid about boundaries.”

It is isolating us more than it is “creating a woke, socially aware generation.”

Touch is actually what teaches children and adults how to navigate the world and bodily autonomy, because the more you engage in it, the easier it becomes to parcel out positive from negative touch.

As a Clinical Sexologist in Training, I invite a more touch-positive mindset!

Below are tips about touch, and questions to ask yourself:

• In your immediate circle of friends, can you establish a new norm of touching by verbalizing your comfort level? (Examples: you all decide to kiss on the cheek and hug, or bromance-style slap each other’s butts. You can choose anything that suits your group or suits the individual!)
• Can you softly introduce platonic touch with your acquaintances? (Gentle squeeze on the arm, or a comforting pat on their back)
• Do not mindlessly touch someone. Pay attention to your intention. Do not hug someone suddenly and carelessly, as that will feel like a negative touch. Observe nonverbal cues. Do they reciprocate? Do they tense up? Do they relax?
• If you are touch-averse and someone hugs you, ask yourself: what part of the situation makes you uncomfortable? Do you feel safe? Why or why not?
• If you are touch-averse, did you grow up in a home lacking physical affection? Can you take one step towards affection, without feeling overstimulated?
• If someone asks you to stop, stop! But don’t shy away from affection in general. Just be aware. Some people are not yet comfortable expressing affection, but it does not mean you should seize all touching with everyone. Respect their boundaries. Touching is incredibly human and healthy, and on a social level, we need to create more of a norm around this.
• Learn to differentiate sexual from platonic touch, but be aware that in some cultures, this differs greatly. In South Africa, it’s normal to kiss a friend on the lips, whereas in the United States, we would often sexualize this act. What we grow up with is truly how we define our world, and pause before you judge or label.
• Finally, review the 1960’s psychology study about touching norms at cafes around the world! In England and the United States, friends touched between zero and two times at a cafe within an hour. In Puerto Rico, that number was 180!

If you are interested in tips on consensually embracing affection in a touch-averse culture, please reach out to me or consider attending one of my Sensual Yoga workshops.

“Touch comes before sight,

before speech.

It is the first language

and the last,

and it always tells the truth”

Margaret Atwood