Working with Asexual and Aromantic Clients

What can a sex coach do for someone without sexual desire?

As a sex coach, you may work with a client who identifies as asexual and/or aromantic. Are you familiar with these terms? If not, you’re not alone.

What are asexuality and aromanticism? What aren’t they?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation. People who are asexual (aces) do not feel sexual attraction toward others. Aromantic people (aros) do not experience romantic attraction toward others. Asexual people can also be aromantic, but they don’t have to be; likewise, aromantic people can be asexual, but not always.

You might be wondering: do asexual people abstain from sex completely? Some of them do, and some of them don’t. Asexuality is complex and determined totally by the individual. No two asexual or aromantic lifestyles look exactly the same.

Asexuality, like any other sexual orientation, is based on how a person feels rather than how they behave. Some aces may be totally celibate, but it isn’t a “requirement.” It’s possible to be asexual and very sexually active. Some aces engage in sexual activity for the benefit of their partner(s), for work, or simply to pass the time. Aces may even experience physical pleasure from sex or masturbation — they just aren’t driven to seek it out.

Similarly, aromantic people might not ever feel what we commonly refer to as “romantic love” for another person, but plenty of aros are incredibly loving people. They can also show the sort of romantic affection that a partner(s) may crave, without feeling particularly driven to do so.

Working with ace and aro clients: what to do and what to avoid.

One of the most important things to keep in mind is that your ace and aro clients do not need to be “fixed.”

Asexuality and aromanticism are not disorders that require treatment; rather, they are orientations that exist on a spectrum and occur as naturally as any other. (Though they do tend to be more rare than other orientations.)

Even as a sex coach, working with ace and aro clients needn’t look much different than working with your clients who experience sexual attraction. As always, the first thing to do is to meet your client where they are. If an ace and/or aro person seeks you out, don’t assume what they want. You might think they’d like to “change” their situation and learn how to experience sexual attraction, but this may not be the case at all.

As you would with any client, ask your ace and aro clients about their experiences, desires, goals, concerns, and everything else you need to gain a fuller understanding and come up with a plan that focuses on their growth and empowerment.

If you don’t identify as ace or aro yourself, it might feel difficult for you to truly identify with your client. In order to be an effective coach, it’s important to ask questions that give you clarity on a situation with which you don’t personally identify; however, avoid allowing your curiosity to get the better of you. No client wants to feel as if you’re examining them under a microscope. To keep the arrow pointed at your client, stick to questions that are relevant to their goals, rather than questions you’ve “always wondered about.”

What can a sex coach do for an ace or aro client?

Perhaps you’re wondering why someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction would ever seek out a sex coach in the first place. Surprisingly, there are countless reasons! Here are a few.

1. Help your ace and aro clients accept their sexual and/or romantic identities. Not every ace and aro client has trouble accepting the way they are, but many do. Some may think that they have a problem, that they’ll never be able to begin or maintain a physical relationship, or that others won’t accept them as fully functional human beings. A sex coach could be just the person to help an ace or aro client feel comfortable in their identity and let go of any shame or confusion that may be hurting them or holding them back.
2. Give ace and aro clients language to speak more truly about what they feel. Many people — ace, aro, hetero, bi, and everything else alike — have trouble expressing who they are as sexual beings. This is no surprise, since our language around sexuality can feel fairly restrictive. Let your ace and aro clients know that a person’s sexual identity can be as unique as their fingerprint. A sex coach can broaden a client’s horizons and help them see their sexuality in a more clear and understandable way, allowing them to feel more at ease when discussing the subject with others.
3. Balance out potential conflict in relationships. It’s not uncommon for an ace or aro person to be in a relationship with someone who identifies as neither. Many of these partnerships work well, as the parties involved have come to an agreement that suits them; however, not everyone achieves this so easily. A sex coach can present a variety of options to help these relationships feel balanced, fair, and fulfilling for everyone involved, many of which may have never crossed your client’s mind.

Although asexual and aromantic people are less common, be assured they do exist. As sex coaches, it’s our responsibility to view sexuality as a whole spectrum and to stay informed of all the places where people can fall on it.

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