5 Hilarious Techniques To Last Longer In Bed
Get ready for a good laugh
I just turned 30 and I reflected back on how my sex life has evolved.
Earlier in life, I was watching a lot of porn. I believed it would give me the key to fantastic sex. Unfortunately, it didn’t. I visualized sex as a kind of performance.
I was obsessed with the idea of lasting as long as possible in bed. I thought it was the only way to impress my partner and give her pleasure. Maybe you can relate.
So when I was 18, I came up with unconventional techniques to last longer in bed that actually work! The goal was to trick my mind so that I won’t reach the point of no return.
I wrote them down in a small notebook, and I will share them with you today. Although these techniques work, apply them with a sense of humor. Keep in mind that my 18-year-old self wrote them; I had a narrow perspective on sexuality at that time…
So, here are five hilarious techniques to last longer in bed.
#1: Pinch yourself very hard
It sounds painful, but trust me, it works wonders!
Imagine you’re having a fantastic time with your partner. She enjoys what you are doing, so she wants you to continue.
However, you feel you are about to reach the point of no return and ejaculate. You are panicking because you know how disappointed she will be if you can’t keep going. You are also aware that if you slow down too much, it might change everything. Such a dilemma. What do you do?
Well, here’s a funny solution!
I recommend you pinch yourself very hard in a sensitive area such as your thighs or hips. Keep pinching yourself very hard, and don’t stop what you are doing with your partner!
Thanks to this technique, you will now focus on the feeling of pain, which will reduce your excitement. You make a very intense moment last longer without having to slow things down. Therefore, you won’t reach the point of no return. You can also use more conventional techniques such as breathing slowly and contracting your pelvic muscles.
Pro tip: Don’t pinch yourself too hard, and don’t show your suffering to your partner as she may get worried.
#2: Count Pokemon
I hope you know at least 151 Pokemon! Don’t worry if you don’t, you can count or think about something else, of course!
You need to think about something that requires your memory and count it while making love to your partner. It will reduce your excitement a little and prevent you from reaching the point of no return.
For example, you can think about the following things:
- How much money you spent today
- How many cashew nuts you ate today
- How many zombies you killed while playing video games
- Calculate math problems like: 2x2 = 4, 2x3= 6
- If you’re a Pokemon fan, then you know what to do.
Pro tip: Don’t forget your partner and keep doing what you were doing while thinking about Pokemon, of course!
Going too far is easy with this technique! Your partner might notice something is wrong with you. You may seem to be somewhere else in your mind. She might feel you are bored, so you have to be careful.
This is why I recommend you don’t solve a math problem or something too challenging. It is too much for your brain. Think about something simple, and then get back to your partner once you have minimized your excitement.
#3: Think about someone else
This one is quite simple and yet, bizarre. You are having a fantastic time with your partner, but things are getting out of control? My 18-year-old self recommends the following method.
Looking at your partner’s eyes or body while making love can be exciting, so imagine you are having sex with someone else instead.
Imagine you are doing it with someone quite repulsive. Let your imagination flow! Maybe you could be having sex with a horrible monster as well.
Pro tip: What comes in your mind stays in your mind! Don’t tell your partner what you think because that could be weird.
#4: For art’s sake
Looking at your partner’s eyes or body while making love can be extremely hot. Thus, if you want to last longer, it is better to look elsewhere to reduce your excitement.
You can look at something in your room for a few seconds (preferably a piece of artwork). Take time to think about this item. Try to find its meaning. Who knows, making love might give you some exceptional clarity.
Pro tip: Don’t stare at something for too long as your partner may think you are bored.
#5: For emergency cases only
I am sure you are intrigued by this one, right? Haha! Well, it is simple yet better not to use it often. If you tried all the previous techniques and it is still not enough to last longer in bed, then it’s time to do this.
The only option left for you is to hit your head on the wall nearby. If you don’t have a wall or something to beat yourself, you can fall from the bed or improvise an easy stunt.
I know it is stupid, but this is what I wrote in my notebook. Has it ever happened to you? Honestly, it happens to me all the time in my room. I sleep on a mezzanine close to the ceiling.
This method is a way to have a good laugh with your partner while allowing you to have a short break. Also, the feeling of pain will trick your brain and prevent you from reaching climax.
Pro tip: Practice your stunts before you have sex and be careful not to injure yourself, okay?
I hope you had a great time reading my weird sex advice! Have you ever tried one of the following techniques? Or do you know crazier ones? Feel free to share in the comments so we can all enjoy it.
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for Sex Letters and receive sex, love & relationships tips once a month.
