The Eyes That Stare

A woman’s letter to her Father reclaiming her own body.

Dear Father,

When I had sex for the first time it was with a man who was just a friend. Both of us were 23 year old virgins, curious about the explosion that we supposed would occur when our two bodies would lie together and love. We just wanted to know why Sex is such a big deal.

I enjoyed it. After, as I lay flushed and happy, I felt rested and beautiful. It was great use of time.

I figured Sex was not a big deal at all. Certainly not big enough for it to be the scale by which you and everyone else measures a girl’s “character”.

I thought about how lucky I am to be able to enjoy freedom of the I-don’t-give-a-fuck variety. After all, I am one of the few Indian women who can have sex with whoever she wants to and face no consequences; feel no guilt.

The education you have paid for, the degree I have earned, my complete belief in my integral right over my own body, and the relative lack of a sense of allegiance to Societal norms —these do for me what drugs, alcohol and music did for the people of the 70s. These dull my inhibitions. I do not mind the eyes that stare.

But then again, an unmarried daughter who is sexually active shames you. You worry about what People will think. People, who want to regulate and tame the business of sex till it is mundane, every day and tame. Nothing to get excited about.Then it is easier to suppress the natural selfishness of women’s bodies. And all this in the name of Tradition —pitiful fear of anarchy.

So I decided to write this letter to you Dad. Reclaim my body once and for all.

My body is mine, and mine alone. I refuse to carry the burden of your honor. I am not a devi . I am not and do not wish to be “pure”. I am full of lust and love, impatience and hormones. I am dirty. I love sex.

I like to open my legs and enjoy a penis. Just for fun.

I find bonds formed by mindless attraction more beautiful than those forced by need and convention. A long held relationship that lacks legal restraint is the best evidence of faith and love.

I am shameless in my desire; in my love for life in general, and sex in particular. I feel no guilt. I give no excuses.

I know you value social acceptance more than my individual happiness. But I can not pretend to be sexless any longer. The true beauty of trespass lies not in the pleasure it affords but in the fearless confirmation of ones own convictions.

And so Father, I hope you will understand why I am done being a closet heterosexual. Do declare it to the world out loud. I will revel in the well deserved notoriety.

Love,

your Daughter