5 Ways to Make Your Partner Feel More Loved and Relaxed in Bed

Reassurance and vulnerability are key

Kate Feathers
Dec 29, 2020 · 5 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Womanizer WOW Tech on Unsplash

Many of us are at least a little insecure when it comes to sex.

You might be scared that your body won’t be desirable enough, your performance won’t compare, your partner won’t feel satisfied. Even the most confident ones among us appreciate some reassurance once in a while.

I always want my partner to feel comfortable with me and I cherish him for making me feel like I can be fully myself, open and vulnerable, without the fear of being judged. Sex can be such an intimate experience that it has a direct impact on our self-perception, which is why it’s so important for you to treat your partner with the most kindness and openness possible.

Here are five ways to make your partner feel loved, wanted and appreciated.

Praise their insecurities

There’s always something, isn’t there?

You can be the most beautiful person in the room, you can love yourself wholeheartedly, and there will still be that one thing that makes you a tiny bit too self-aware.

From boobs to penis size, from body hair underneath your belly button to a mole on your back, from that one crooked tooth to stretch marks… Everyone has a different spot that cuts deep when mocked — so make sure to praise your partner’s insecurities to heaven.

Point out how much you love these exact things that make them self-conscious, because they’re beautiful and they’re a part of who they are. Say you wouldn’t change it for the world.

It will make a radical difference not only when it comes to how good your partner feels about themselves, but also how they appreciate you.

Compliment on the sensual experience

People are often insecure about things such as how they taste, what noises they make or how they look when they orgasm. Personally, I couldn’t look another person in the eye during sex for the longest time because I was scared my facial expression wasn’t attractive.

The way to make your partner feel more relaxed is to compliment on these exact things — how smooth their skin feels, how amazing they taste, how hot their moaning is, how beautiful they look.

Thanks to my partner who has always complimented me plenty in this area, I’m no longer that self-conscious, and I can even hold eye contact. Wow, I know.

It’s a game-changer.

Be open to their fantasies and fetishes

Openness and acceptance are one of the key factors that make sex a wonderful experience. As long as your partner’s fantasies don’t make you uncomfortable, it’s deeply encouraging to be willing to try them out.

When your partner judges you or rejects you for having a certain kind of fantasies, it can hurt a lot and take a long time to heal. Nobody wants to feel like their desires are somehow intrinsically wrong. (Some rare cases are, of course, wrong, but we’re focusing on the ones that don’t hurt people who didn’t give consent.)

Sex can be weird, all right. It can be quite bamboozling to realise what kinds of absurd things can turn you on. It is what it is, though, and giving your partner absolute acceptance and love will make them feel on top of the world.

You might even be able to work through the fantasies together and look for patterns which will shed some light on what it really is that your partner likes. It’s rarely the fantasy itself — often it’s about the feelings or the dynamics that the situation implies.

Confiding in them with your own fantasies is a great way to make them relaxed as well. If you’re being vulnerable, chances are they’ll be more likely to open up too.

Don’t compare them to others

I still vividly remember that scene from Friends — Ross has just slept with another woman and Rachel asks him, all furious, “How was she?!”

His response is probably one of the worst things you could say. “She was…different.”


Comparing lovers is like walking on thin ice. Although Ross’ response makes sense because every sexual partner obviously is different, it hurts because it suggests that this woman gave him something new, something interesting, something that Rachel didn’t.

On the other hand, when you compare your lovers in a way that shows your current partner in a positive light and brings down your exes, it’s obviously less hurtful and it might even make them feel temporarily better.

However, black mouthing your past lovers too much shows a side of you that no new partner much appreciates, and that’s because they’ll think, “Would he talk about me that way if we broke up?”

Your best bet is to always try to avoid direct comparison altogether. You can say things like, “Your body is my most favourite body in the whole world,” and it won’t imply any direct connection to specific exes, while also making your partner feel amazing.

Show physical care and attention

One of the five love languages is physical touch, and trust me, it often goes a long way to show your lover how much they mean to you.

Think about all the ways you could touch them and caress them, not just the obvious sex positions and French kissing. Stroke their back, kiss their forehead, smell their hair, the list goes on.

It’s even better to do this throughout the day, not just during sex — it will make them feel more wanted and relaxed around you generally.

Make them feel loved with your touch.

Final Thoughts

These are some tips that could do wonders for you if applied.

However, remember that clear communication is key — for example, if your partner isn’t into physical touch as much, my last point might not work for your specific case.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions — what would make them feel even better? What can you improve about your behavior? What would they like to try out?

Personally, vulnerable sex is the best sex. Be honest. Be kind. Be yourself.

If you liked this, you might enjoy reading more of my work:

Here you can sign up for my FREE email list to receive more content on relationships, self-improvement and more.


Conversations about sex from all around the world

Sign up for Sexography's Newsletter

By Sexography

22,000 followers, new editor & more Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Kate Feathers

Written by

Student of Languages & Literature | Relationships, Self-Growth, Feminism, Writing |katefeathers0@gmail.com| Join my newsletter: https://linktr.ee/clumsylinguist


Conversations about sex from all around the world

Kate Feathers

Written by

Student of Languages & Literature | Relationships, Self-Growth, Feminism, Writing |katefeathers0@gmail.com| Join my newsletter: https://linktr.ee/clumsylinguist


Conversations about sex from all around the world

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store