Are you ready to talk about your sex drive?
If you’re reading this, you are probably thinking your sex drive could be higher. Or maybe you have a super high sex drive and you are here to gloat.
Either way, our sex drives are a pretty big deal.
There were so many things that I didn’t know about my sex drive. Like, why is it so high in my thirties? (Spoiler alert: this is totally a thing.)
So, let’s dive into this together.
Women may have their highest sex drives in their 30s and 40s.
Good news, ladies. We peak later in life. Can I get a round of applause?
Our sex drives are very much influenced by testosterone. (We’ll get to this later.) And boys have a large amount of this around 18.
It’s kind of strange, right? Wouldn’t God or evolution want sexual peaks for men and women to match?
In any case, I’m happy to be a woman. I get to reach my sexual peak at an age when I can really enjoy it. (And when I’ve had enough practice for it to be good!)
The real winners here are the 30-something lesbians. My hats of to you, friends.
People who are more physically active have higher libidos.
Now, I’m not here to body-shame or exercise-shame anybody. I wanted to include this not to guilt less-active people. Hell no.
This is good news for everyone and here’s why.
If you are feeling a little sluggish in your sex life, introducing just a smidge of movement can help. Going for a walk, if you’re able. Practicing some yoga. Lifting a suitable weight.
Do what feels best for you. Then, reap the benefits in the bedroom.
Your mental health has a big effect on your sex drive.
If you’re not feeling like you want to have sex, it may be time to look at your mental health. How have you been feeling lately? Are you checking in with yourself?
This isn’t very surprising, right? As an eating disorder survivor, I know that in the depths of my illness, sex was the last thing on my mind. Connection, yes. Sex, no.
If you’re struggling with depression, I hope you seek professional help. It’s done wonders for my life. And now, thanks to years of therapy and journaling and meditation and work, I am definitely in my sexual prime.
Your libido will not always match your partner’s.
Listen up, because this one is tough. You and your partner are not always going to be on the same sex page. I wrote a whole piece about this:
It hurts to be the one who wants sex more.
But there are a few things that you can do to make this better:
- Turn your attention toward other things. When I felt overwhelmed by my sex drive, I started to write more. I started to read more. I started to move more. And then — as a bonus — my boyfriend became more interested.
- It’s time for some solo sex. My vibrator became my best friend once I realized how high my sex drive was. You need a release, friend.
- Talk it out with your partner. It’s time for an open and honest conversation with your person. Come to this with a lot of love. No blaming or guilting. Just a whole lot of love and vulnerability.
Testosterone plays a really important role for both men and women.
So, want to know what your sex drive is all about?
Well, turns out that testosterone is a pretty big factor.
Typically, we think about testosterone in men, but we forget about women. Studies show that this hormone can really help postmenopausal women to up their sex drive.
Testosterone decreases with age. It’s a totally normal thing. But, your doctor can work with you on getting you back to a sex-ready level.
- You may not be getting enough sleep
- You may be really stressed
- You may not be working out enough (or working out too much)
- You may be drinking too much
Any of those ringing a bell?
A “normal” sex drive is a super personal definition.
So, what is a normal sex drive? Well, whatever is normal for you.
You know your body. You know what you need. You know what your partner wants and needs, too, if you’re having good and open conversations.
Don’t look outside yourself. Ask your body what you need.
Maybe you used to have sex three times a week and you’re down to one. Maybe you haven’t had sex in a couple of weeks. Maybe you have a new baby. Maybe you have a new job.
There are a million different factors that affect your desire to have sex. Don’t beat yourself up if you are not having as much sex as you would like.
You’re in charge of your own sex life. Go get 'em, friend.