7 Important Lessons in My Son’s Most Viewed Porn Videos

Take those parenting moments where you can find them.

Benjamin Davis
Jun 13 · 3 min read
Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Lesson #1 — Sex is about respect

All sex begins with respect and understanding. I know that porn is telling you that someone owes you sex if you give them a ride, or find them on a park bench, or interview them for a job or if they’re your step-sister, but this is not true. No one owes you anything.

Lesson #2 — Safe words are important

I can see from your search history that you watched “Bad Bitches Back-Door Brutal” two-hundred times. Your brother likes this one too, but it is important to understand that aggression in sex is only appropriate when both parties agree on some ground rules. You should establish a safe word beforehand. Sure, “Boom-Headshot” could be a safe word, but you’d better talk that over with your partner first.

Lesson #3 — You’re not alone in your shame

I can see by your face that you feel really guilty about this video here. Don’t worry, the secret is to look at the views. See there, that is over three million people! So, don’t worry, you’re not weird. The world is just a fucked-up place where people don’t want to admit they want to do that thing — oh god, did she just — three million people, seriously? — I mean, this is normal sweetie, just remember, you’re not alone.

Lesson #4 — Don’t expect people to sound like they do in porn

People make all different sounds when they are enjoying sex. If a woman isn’t screaming, that doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job. While we’re at it, if a woman is screaming in an apartment next door, it probably isn’t sex. She’s probably being murdered. Call the police.

Lesson #4 — Have a healthy understanding of sex toys

I can see that you’ve been watching some bondage. That’s good, a bit advanced for where you’re at. Learn to appreciate it before you develop an expectation for it. Here, I’ll tell you what, go into my closet and lift the third shoe from the left, clap three times and say, “Bonesville.” When the wall opens, grab something you haven’t seen and bring it back here and we can discuss it.

Lesson #5 — Real-life sex isn’t as get-up-and-go

Other people’s genitals don’t always work the way it shows in porn. If yours or your partner’s genitals aren’t working how they’re supposed to, don’t hold expectations, or get upset. This will only make it harder — sorry, I mean it will make it difficult to get things started. Be patient. Next time you’re on PornHub, why don’t you search for “How to approach foreplay” instead of “Bad Disney Princesses Gone Wild.” Actually, we’re going to have to have a talk about that later.

Lesson #6 — There are masturbation safe zones

I know you have many of these saved on your phone, and your mother and I want to be able to trust you to only watch porn at appropriate times. And this means you’ve got to accept the consequences of your actions. We’ve spoken to the principal and you’ll have to go in on Saturday to wash down the boy’s bathroom on the second and third floors, the library, the science lab, the nurse’s office, behind the gym, and under your Spanish teachers desk, and you’ll need to leave your phone at home from now on.

Lesson #7 — Japan

Alright, about this Hentai habit that you’ve developed. Go and find that paper-mache globe you made in art class and bring it back here. We need to have a long talk about Japan. You’re not in trouble, but there are some things you should know.

*I know how to count...

Sexography

Conversations About Sex From All Around the World

Benjamin Davis

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My writing is like watching Roy Orbison eat a bundle of mismatched socks. No, they have not been washed in a while. Yes, he is crying. benjamindaviswriter.com

Sexography

Conversations About Sex From All Around the World