Why do so many people get excited about the mere thought of power play, handcuffs, and spanking?

If you ever feel weird or curious about your (or your friends’) cravings, it’s likely because you haven’t immersed yourself into the diversity of the subject yet.

Feeling ununderstood and keeping secrets about your cravings from your partner is very hard. And yes, society is still not too tolerant towards this kind of kink.

But even though others might be judgmental, wouldn’t it be better to know the ‘why’?

Because once you understand the kink's psychological reasons, it will become easier to accept your preferences. It will be clear that your cravings are perfectly normal and healthy.

This article strives to find satisfactory explanations for humans' dominant, submissive, sadist, and masochist sexual behaviors. What underlying reasons make us engage in such sexual activities? BDSM involves physical pain and harm, which people — under normal circumstances — avoid from a large distance.

1. Evolutional Background — A Reproduction Strategy

The mundane truth is humans always aspired to leave many offsprings behind to secure their genetic presence on Earth in the future. From a biological perspective, this is basically the purpose of life. Sorry, folks.

Therefore, no wonder BDSM cravings can also be attributed to reproduction. The scientific explanation is the following.

According to a study, reproduction between a lower-ranking human and a higher-ranking human might lead to having more children.

Interestingly, sexual excitement also increases if there is a hierarchical disparity between the partners. According to studies, the reason for this is neither the pursuit of sensations nor a form of artistic expression, but solely a very successful reproduction strategy.

Fortunately, evolution is by far not the only explanation for the craving.

2. Influential Initial Experiences

The very first time we encounter sexuality is extremely determining. Either it is with porn, touching ourselves, or experimenting with another person, those early experiences can highly influence our future taste.

If you find something exciting in your puberty, it is likely to continue to turn you on.

When I was around 15 years old, my classmates and I decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey without knowing anything specific about its content. Well, I don’t want to enter into details regarding where it had led, but the fact that I’m writing this article might indicate something…

The same analogy goes for objects such as bondage or leather. “If an object was pleasant or salient to the early sexual experience, we might associate that object with sex, and the use of it continues with sexual behavior,” said Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., a sexuality counselor to Healthline.

3. An Experience In Sex That Reality Can’t Provide

Often, we tend to fantasize and seek experiences in sex that we don’t have in reality.

People in powerful positions, leaders, CEOs, and anyone leading a life with lots of important decisions and responsibilities might have the urge to let go of all the stress and give absolute control to someone else. It can feel insanely liberating to get rid of the weight of the world for a few hours.

On the other hand, people who have no opportunity to make decisions professionally or even privately might be excited to take the dominant role in their sex lives.

4. It’s Chemistry, Babes

According to scientists, a biochemical reason for BDSM desires could be “the neurologic constitution of the brain’s pain and reward systems.”

Several other studies show a little pain might enhance pleasure because our brain releases the same biochemicals during pain and sex.

Some people bring it even further. They explain pain takes them to a “high” or a “floaty” state of mind. Others compare the feeling to “runners high” — the feeling what runners experience after long-distance tracks.

“For all of us, endorphins bind to opiate receptors to naturally relieve pain. Since BDSM play can include power exchange and masochistic acts, endorphins are among the most common neurotransmitters produced,” said Maitresse Madeline Marlowe, professional dominatrix to the Vice magazine.

5. “Taboo Topic” Turn-On

Basically, anything can be a turn-on that society considers weird, forbidden, or taboo. And BDSM is no exception. There is a small chance some people solely crave the experience due to its social stigma.

This is called the Forbidden Fruit Effect. We, humans, have always disliked control and prohibition and strived to have the things we’re not supposed to want. To put it more sympathetically, we always wanted to learn about the unknown and have freedom.

Just think about your youth. How amazing did drinking alcohol, going to parties, or kissing girls (or boys) feel when you were not allowed to do it! At least I can speak for myself and my friends.

“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”
-Mark Twain

6. Post Traumatic Stress From a Previous Relationship

As we are incredibly diverse, the reasons behind our sexual cravings are also not so black and white.

While reproduction strategy, taboo turn-on, influential first experiences, or chemical processes playing around in our brain are plausible explanations, other causes can lurk behind the craving as well.

A rather dark one stems from a condition called relationship PTSD. Your relationships with other human beings can determine what you enjoy sexually.

For example, if a person was abused physically in a previous relationship, going forward, they may feel very comfortable being the submissive subject in a BDSM relationship. This could also have the opposite effect on the person and have them become extremely dominant in the bedroom. Either way, they may be comfortable getting a little rough, as a result of former abusive experiences — Laurie Riihimaki

7. To Process A Past Trauma

Some other people crave BDSM as a result of childhood abuse. For instance, a man who was beaten in his childhood might get aroused by spanking or whipping.

To bring it a little bit further, this man might decide to use BDSM as a trauma play to help him process his past experiences. And let us pause here for a moment because this is much deeper than I’ve initially thought.

During these sexual plays, people return to their past trauma in order to process it. They recall their terrifying, excruciating, and long-forgotten traumas with the help of BDSM.

Several studies show that there are contexts where people can recall their experiences with framing healing or therapeutic BDSM plays.

To get an insight into how it might feel like, Jeremy N Thomas, researcher and trauma play participant, has described his experience as follows:

“I begin, then, with an experience that I had at a semi-private play party, where there were approximately 100 people in attendance. I had set up a scene with a regular play partner of mine:

I had asked her to restrain me, and now my hands are above my head, bound by wrist cuffs hanging from a joist in a barn. She’s my favorite top, (…).

(…) The flogger gently begins to hit my back and slowly picks up speed as it establishes a steady and regular rhythm. (…)

Ten, maybe fifteen minutes later, the strokes have become more intense, and the pain is growing stronger. It’s getting hotter in here too, and the relaxing warmth of the flogger is now giving way to a mix of thud and sting. (…)

Up ahead, I see myself in a house: I’m a naked child in a bathroom, and someone’s yelling at me. Someone’s hitting me. Someone’s touching me, and someone’s repeatedly asking me a question. What is the person saying? And now I hear words I know well: “Are you going to do what I tell you? Are you? Are you? Or do we need to stay in this bathroom forever?” Although I never answer these questions, the voice goes on, and it begins to say other things, horrible things, things that I refuse to remember.” — Jeremy N Thomas

Other times, Jeremy had somewhat better experiences.

“(…) I’m familiar with the emotions that lie there, but I also feel a sense of confidence and mastery. In the midst of this sadistic person hitting me with a plastic pipe, I take pleasure in the journey, and I recognize that things don’t terrify me as much as they used to. Being naked and exposed, being beaten — I’ve come to enjoy it. I recognize the complexity, but I don’t feel the need to resolve it. Instead, I just let it be.”

At first sight, this might sound very disturbing and confusing. Are these people enjoying their torture? Where is sexuality in here? Is this really helpful?

Well, according to John Kort, Ph.D., sex and relationship therapist, the return of trauma play participants to the past “is consciously manipulated or played with to enhance a sexual experience. Period. There need be no angst or shaming involved.”

Although it’s hard to digest, BDSM trauma plays can be healing and exciting for many. Countless people carry terrible traumas through life, and these plays are seemingly helping them move forward in life.

+1. Mental Illness

What we discussed so far is clearly the kink of consenting adults.

However, there is a darker side to BDSM as well. In fact, the community might be an inviting place for people with serious and harmful mental disorders.

I failed to mention that BDSM was considered to be a mental illness until 2013 by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), in other words, the bible of psychiatry.

The reason for it is an unfortunate fact: sexual sadists and masochists are also craving BDSM experiences. However, unlike most BDSM practitioners, they might not care about such mundane expressions as consent or comfort.

Today, their behavior can be viewed as a disorder based on the DSM-5 manual if the person:

• experiences distress about his or her unusual fantasies, “not merely distress resulting from society’s disapproval.” — indeed, fantasizing about committing a crime and getting turned on by it can be understandably distressing
• has a “sexual desire or behavior that involves another person’s psychological distress, injury, or death, or a desire for sexual behaviors involving unwilling persons or persons unable to give legal consent.”

It must also be acknowledged most sadists and masochists don’t practice their cravings in reality but live them out through books, movies, or fantasies. Therefore, it would be unjust to put them into a box with the label of a criminal or abuser.

While mental disorder might be the reason for the craving in a tiny percent of the cases, most BDSM practitioners are healthy.

In fact, studies actually show that couples who engage in BDSM activities have better communication, are more open and intimate with each other, and more confident compared to “vanilla” players.

BDSM practitioners might also be less sensitive to rejection, have a lower need for approval, and be less anxiously attached to others than non-BDSM practitioners.

Before you leave

The sequencing of the reasons is not by chance. I wanted to highlight that the reasons behind our cravings are extremely diverse. While some of us had an innocent first experience with BDSM in puberty, others might have experienced abuse or suffer from a mental disorder.

Everything is fine as long as the partners communicate their fantasies openly and treat each other fairly.

“All the diversity, all the charm, and all the beauty of life are made up of light and shade.” ― Leo Tolstoy