Tabby’s Deep Dives
All the Reasons Why I Have Ever Had Sex
It is easy to believe that sex should always be an amazing, life changing experience every time — but to believe so can risk missing the point. Sex is part of life, no more and no less, and most of the time it doesn’t need to be earth-shattering, just good enough to leave both sides feeling happy and close. How many times have we had the urge when we came back late from a party when the pair of us were so sleepy that sex turned into a wonderful way of saying goodnight, and thank you for being you?
There are many different reasons why we have sex, and they aren’t all about providing memorable experiences. Here are all of mine, which range from the utterly banal to the completely reprehensible. The one count I do count myself lucky on is that I have never been forced to have sex against my will, and I sincerely hope that nobody reading this has ever found themselves in that position.
The dozen or so reasons are in no particular order, and although the most of the examples I have given apply to sex I have had with guys, the same rules apply regardless of gender. So there is something in here for everyone, and I hope that it helps you work out some of the stuff that you have done, or are doing, or are about to do.
1. Because I thought I ought to
This is a common experience for many of us when they are younger — we have sex with someone for no better reason than we think we should. I have a friend who had sex with her first boyfriend a few times, only to discover — years later, when they were both married to other people — that he would have been quite happy for it to continue as a platonic relationship. Not only had he been too shy to ask her, he had been too shy to say no when she offered.
Honestly.
I had sex with a few guys early on for no better reason than they were keen and I thought it was expected of me. I didn’t realise that almost every guy was keen at that age, nor did I have enough experience to work out that they were mostly lying about their abilities and their state of knowledge.
Call me wet behind the ears. After you have had one guy come everywhere before he has got properly in and then have had to cope with him freaking out because he doesn’t want giveaway stains on his father’s care seats, you have had them all.
2. Love
I would still rate having sex with a partner with whom I am madly, passionately, and head over heels in love with many times better than sex I have had for any other reason. Individual episodes of lust motivated sex definitely win, but in the long run, sex as part of a supportive relationship is easily first past the post.
This probably ranks above the item above, but I put it here because sex within a loving relationship comes later for many of us. However, even within such a relationship, there are still many reasons for having sex, so read on.
3. Stress relief
Your partner has a bad day at the office, and mopes around the entire evening until you can’t take it any more, and drag him to bed before fucking his brains out. This is where knowing his number one sexual desire helps a lot, because having it granted is guaranteed to lift his mood. I had one boyfriend who loved to come in my mouth, which I can take or leave, but every time I said it was OK him to do it, he was like a kid who had been given a puppy, so who was I to complain? Besides, he was so sweet and did so much for me that I always found it hard to turn him down.
Yes, a lengthy counseling session would be a more professional approach, but having sex is much more fun, and even if it involves doing something to which you are not completely signed up, the undying gratitude of an appreciative partner is definitely a plus. Besides, sooner or later, it gets to be your turn.
4. Comfort
This one is a kissing cousin of stress relief, in as much as it involves using sex to lift your mood. Sex for this reason rarely falls into the multi-orgasmic, ‘I came fifteen times and made so much noise that the neighbors called the cops’, variety. Instead it does what it needs to do much better if it is delivered as a long, slow, very comfortable screw. To this, I would add that — as far as I am concerned — if he never gets any lower down than my boobs and kisses and caresses me into nirvana then it is fine with me, but most guys don’t count sex as having happened if they don’t come.
I don’t mind if I don’t have an orgasm, and to be honest, perfection would be feeling so blissed out that I went to sleep and woke up snuggled up to him with no memory of what we had done except for a nice warm feeling inside. Those are the building blocks from which comfort is made.
5. To reward a partner
This one is more common that people think, and many female readers will have had sex with a partner as a favor for something that the other person has done. Sometimes the trade isn’t that obvious, and it can often be as subtle as a woman sleeping with a guy because he made her feel really good and self-confident about herself. Other times, the trade is right there out in the open, and entire relationships are based on based on sex in return for security of one kind or another.
I had sex with one guy because he saved me from a nightmare scenario, but it mostly was because he was so incredibly nice to me afterwards and went out of his way to look after me when he needn’t have done. He didn’t even try to hit on me — I did it to him.
6. Boredom
You can’t beat sex for adding color and warmth to a boring day. When the rain is lashing against the windows, and the wind is howling outside, my thoughts turn to a warm bubble bath and an extended session of pampering. I don’t know what it is that sets me off, but all I need to hear is bad weather tapping on the window and the next thing is that the bath is running and my string is hanging invitingly on the door handle.
Any partner who knows me well enough will understand that bringing me a cup of tea and warming up a big fluffy bathrobe will unlock the goddess of passion within me. In this state, all wishes are granted, and every dream will be made to come true, turning a wintry grey day into one filled with potential.
7. Celebrating something
In a way, this is the flip side of 6 — having sex because one or both of you are really pleased about the way things have gone with something. I have had sex with partners because they have had a promotion, because I have had a promotion, because of an anniversary, because of new jobs, you name it.
There aren’t many better ways of telling someone you are delighted for them, or that you are pleased for each other.
8. Compromise
In many ways, this is the flip side of 5. As every woman knows, there are times when we are not so keen on sex, but because he has a hard-on that is demanding attention, we compromise. You could argue that it should not be so in the name of the purity of consent, but sex is nice, and with a partner who is supportive of me, then I can’t think of any good reason not to be supportive of him. So if having sex right now is important to him, then having sex right now is important to me, although my bar for personal satisfaction will be lower because — lets face it — I am letting him use my body.
This is definitely one that works best in long-term relationships, because you get to claim the same favor back from him another day. Start plotting and make sure that he doesn’t forget that he owes you.
9. Insomnia
It might look out of place in this list, but I have had sex in order to help me get off to sleep, and after asking around, I find I am in very good company. Although it doesn’t quite qualify as being sex, studies have shown that at least a third of women have masturbated in order to defeat insomnia and I am one of them, the the good news being that it works. And so it should, because there is nothing nicer than slipping into a nice snooze after you have come.
Don’t let anyone know I have let you into this, but men do the same.
10. Lust
If you believe everything you read, this is the only reason we should ever be having sex. I was so surprised it came this low on my list that I compared notes with my friends and discovered that some of them didn’t even rate it this high. But — sigh — there are times when a girl just can’t disobey her hormones. This kind of sex is the opposite to comfort sex and it gives an added edge to being taken up against the fridge before you even have time to get your knickers off. Call me shallow, but a high proportion of my all time fave quickies have been motivated by lust, and the release when my lover comes usually has made the appliance move.
In the long term, though, how often have I ended up wondering what got my hormones going in the first place? Did I really confuse all of those muscles with the idea that he might have a functioning brain that was capable of thinking of anyone but himself?
11. Feeling better
There is a reasonable amount of evidence that the more orgasms a woman has, the better she is likely to feel about herself overall, and the same is certainly true of men. This isn’t an all or none thing, and women who don’t have orgasms are no more likely to be sad than women who do have them, but the message is that regular sex is definitely good for us. The question is whether it is good for us because of the reinforcement of the wider relationship bonds that go with the sex, or because of the sex itself. From personal experience, I would tend to the former, mainly because I can never look at someone quite the same way ever again once I have had sex with them.
The flip side of this is that some people put the cart before the horse and end up relying on sex to give a series of short-lived boosts to their mood. If this becomes the dominant method of a person increasing their well-being, it is one of the paths to what is called sex addiction, and men with narcissistic personality traits are highly vulnerable. This is a big subject, to be dealt with later.
12. Experiment
I don’t know about you, but every now and again, I fancy trying something different. I wrote a trio of pieces about anal sex, and they brought back fond memories of the partner who introduced me to it. Up until then, I hadn’t the slightest urge to try it, but with the right guy (these are in extremely short supply) it can be divine. The same goes for toys, which can be overused, but that’s the catch with most experimental sex — the reason it experimental is because the usual alternatives are more satisfying. Or, at least, they are more satisfying with a lover who takes good care to please you and who knows what he is doing.
If you find yourself experimenting with too many different ideas, then take a long hard look at your ‘ordinary’ sex life. It may be that it isn’t as good as you think it is (go back to 1).
13. Revenge
This is not recommended, nor do I support revenge porn or anything like it in any way whatsoever. But I have to confess that one of my early boyfriends’ fathers was such a serially adulterous, lecherous, self-satisfied, old bastard that I decided to teach him a lesson he would never forget. I had sex with him and then dropped the evidence in his wife’s lingerie drawer — she was the one who provided the money on which his lifestyle depended.
I never did anything remotely like it ever again. Don’t even think of going there. But she did divorce him.
14. Fantasy
I am temperamentally not too strong on this one, although I have been there and enjoyed it a lot. The reason why a lot of women enjoy fantasy is because we live remarkably controlled lives in which we often have to take responsibility for others and have to say no to things that might be nice to do, but would carry risk. Indulging in fantasy involves deep trust in your partner or partners, because the fun part is giving up control and being ready to accept that loss of control as being erotic. Because I have run my own business for many years, I am used to controlling others, but I have discovered that it can be highly arousing if I give up control and let someone I seriously trust take change of the sex.
Fantasy can be incredibly nuanced, so for example, I had a boyfriend whose dearest wish was for me to wear a nurse’s uniform and have sex with him. It worked fine for him when I was the nurse in charge of him as a ‘patient’, but it did very little for me. So I suggested turning it around, with him playing doctor, and ordering me about before bending me over the table to take me. What happened? I went to jelly in his hands. How jellied? I even enjoyed wearing the frilly knicks he had bought for me. That is jellied.
Enjoy yourself — but you will enjoy sex much more if you realize that it has many facets, and that the reasons we do it are changing all the time.
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