An Open Letter to Warming Lube

A fractious relationship explained.

Matilda Swinney
Aug 31 · 3 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Photo 148692331 © Anton Estrada | Dreamstime.com

Dear warming lube (all brands included),

There was a time when life seemed simple. I looked forward to your promised sensations with joy and a delicious anticipation. A warming up of the vagina? How glorious. This would surely be as good as sex itself. Would the warming feeling increase during sex?

And how warm are we talking? I’m eager to know whether this is a gentle summers day temperature with a slight breeze, or a sauna effect where the heat makes it impossible to move. What if it feels like I’ve put a chilli pepper up my vagina?

In fact, perhaps this is too much of a risk. If the heat becomes unbearable, what’s the solution? Should I have yogurt on standby? Perhaps, my partner can lick me cool. But, I don’t want to put his whole mouth at risk. It’s a toss up between my burning hot vagina and his mouth.

A happy fire extinguisher. And surely he can just take a spoonful of yogurt if his mouth gets to the unhappy heat of my vagina? After all, the pot would be waiting conveniently for him on the side.

It would be a bonding experience too. We would be experiencing the same sensations, but in different places. Hang on though, his cock would be affected too. Uh oh. We are putting our price possessions at risk here. My red hot vagina and his sizzling cock and mouth.

Are you worth it warming lube? I notice you’re not providing the solutions here. I’ve made all the suggestions so far.

And in fact, I have another one. I’m just spit-balling here but what about semen as a handy solution to excessive heat? If things got too hot, semen could be the cooling sensation we’ve both been looking for. And it would be such an effortless addition to the mix.

The events of the warming process would probably go something like this:

  1. Apply warming lube
  2. Enjoy warming sensation
  3. Add cock
  4. Experience increase of warmth
  5. Warmth becomes unbearable
  6. Extinguish with semen

A six step plan. And do you know what, warming lube? It’s needed. Because you do not come with enough warning or instruction. How is a person new to you and your sensations supposed to know what to do?

And stop being so allusive. It’s time to tell everyone exactly who you are.

On second thoughts, total curveball here, but I’ve decided against you. For good. I don’t even have a desire for a warm vagina. What was I thinking? I mean, it’s pretty warm in there already.

Did you do a voting poll before you were created? Some market research? Who actually feels they don’t have a warm vagina or has a particular need for one?

I’ve come to the conclusion that while you must be a vital part of some people’s lives, you are not a match for mine. I appreciate, you but we won’t be taking things any further.

Apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you. It’s important to go with my heart, and I can’t ignore the lack of burning desire for you.

So, here’s to a natural cooling and warming vagina. It’s time to put the yogurt away. And let my body temperatures happen without the help of any troublesome warming lube. It’s goodbye for now.

Ready to put yourself first? It’s time to free your mind and find your pleasure.

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

By Sexography

22,000 followers, new editor & more Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Matilda Swinney

Written by

Exploring sex, love, life and mental health | The Startup, Writer’s Cooperative, P.S I Love You, Mind Cafe | Newsletter: https://realtalkaboutsex.substack.com/

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Matilda Swinney

Written by

Exploring sex, love, life and mental health | The Startup, Writer’s Cooperative, P.S I Love You, Mind Cafe | Newsletter: https://realtalkaboutsex.substack.com/

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store