Are you a Sexual “Side?”
Women in opposite sex relationships with sexual pain need to consider taking on this new term from the gay male community.
Joe Kort, Ph.D. coined the term “side” for the gay male community. He came up with this term for anyone who doesn’t enjoy penetrative sex and only wants to engage in other sexual activities.
Gay men often identify as either a “top, bottom, or verse.” There has long been a stigma against gay men who don’t identify with any of these terms. Kort posits that this stigma is at least in part because there has never been a word for someone who wasn’t a “top, bottom or verse” until now. Having this term, “side” may help remove the stigma.
Taking “side” for the heterosexual community
Recently, Kort was interviewed on the Savage Lovecast, where he encouraged the heterosexual community to use this term too. I agree.
One group of people who could benefit from this term are the many heterosexual women in opposite sex relationships who do not enjoy intercourse/penetrative sex because of pain related to penetration.
The term “side” could help remove the stigma and shame for both women who experience painful sex and gay men who do not find penetrative sex erotic or enjoyable. Along with 20–40% of men who have sex with men who do not engage in anal sex, there are also millions of women who have sex with men who never did or no longer enjoy penetrative sex because of pain.
According to an article published in Harvard Health,
“Millions of women experience pain before, during or after sexual intercourse. Many women suffer in silence and don’t seek the help they need, or they have trouble finding a clinician who can diagnose and treat the causes of their pain.”
What are these different types of pain that occur for women?
Painful intercourse can happen at any age or stage in life. Pain or discomfort during penetrative sex in women may be diagnosed as dyspareunia, vaginismus or vulvodynia. There is often painful intercourse for women who have endometriosis, PCOS — Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and other chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). This is not even an exhaustive list.
Dyspareunia is the medical term for painful intercourse. The Mayo Clinic defines this as “persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs just before, during or after sex.”
Dyspareunia is often diagnosed for women who are experiencing peri-menopause and menopause. The lower levels of estrogen cause a thinning of the vaginal tissue and there’s also less natural lubrication, making intercourse uncomfortable and sometimes painful.
Vaginismus is “vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or a complete inability to have intercourse.”
The vaginal tightness results from a limbic system response toward penetration, a protection mechanism that signals the body to brace and protect against potential harm.
Sometimes a burning and stinging pain occurs along the outer opening of the vagina and this condition is called vulvodynia.
Opening up more sexy conversations
This new term from the gay male community can help aid women with sexual pain in having talks about preferences when dating, as well as open up important sexual discussions in short-term and long-term relationships, as sexual interests change.
Just as in the gay male community, there are many women in opposite sex relationships who have great sex lives that don’t include penetration. It’s just that no one is talking about it.
This lack of discussion is at least partially due to the assumptions made about sex when a woman and a man come together for sexy time. It is too often assumed that sex is PIV (penis in vagina) intercourse.
You know what happens when you assume…
The assumptions around sex in the heterosexual world need to go away. When same sex couples approach sex, they have a discussion about “hey, what are you into?” A conversation about likes and dislikes abound. This type of conversation also occurs readily within the kink community.
It’s really only in the heterosexual community that so many assumptions are made about sex as one things only: PIV (Penis in vagina). Too often, sex between and a man and a women happens without much, if any, discussion at all.
The discussions need to happen more regularly in the heterosexual community in general, and the term “side” may be helpful in allowing women who experience painful intercourse have an easier time sharing it with their partners.
Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist and sex therapist specializing in sexual wellness and intimacy in private practice. She is offering a 5-week online Women’s Sexual Wellness group starting in July 2022. This group is a supportive and educational group for women who want to take charge of their sexual energy, build confidence, increase mindfulness, and explore pleasure.
