Asking for Feedback After Sex

Sophia An
Sophia An
Dec 11, 2019 · 3 min read
By Becca Tapert on Unsplash

I once asked a friend of mine if she discussed sex after she engaged in it. I wanted to know if it was on-brand with my general forwardness that I’d try to ‘debrief’ sex with a partner if I intended to see them again. The general consensus was that it was odd but not completely unwelcome. I do it if I intend on sleeping with a partner again because it lets us both be on the same page — if we know what works and what doesn’t it only gets better.

Now before you start picturing an Avengers-esque SHIELD debrief I can stop you right there and say there are no pie charts involved. Depending on the situation it can simply be post-coital conversation or discussions leading up to the next encounter. I try to talk to my partner when I’m comfortable since sex talk can often be awkward for many reasons.

Remember this is for both of you

One of the first times I ever did touched base it backfired horrendously. My partner at the time didn’t take this as an attempt to let us have the best sex — they took it as a critique of god’s great gift, namely, their sexual prowess. Needless to say, there was no second date and I was just as offended by their offense.

I don’t want to say be careful because it’s not really an issue to be careful about. But it is important to let your partner know your intentions aren’t a form of critique — it’s an acknowledge that some things are better than others. It’s important to note that sometimes you’re just not compatible but that doesn’t mean that bad sex is the end. Having bad sex and being incompatible are two very different things.

You’re A Game isn’t Perfect

Everyone likes something different and everything can be approved. I like to learn new things, I haven’t finished the Kama Sutra so obviously there’s stuff I can learn. So maybe it’s an improvement on technique or maybe they really just like that tongue thing you do. Who knows? It’s great to hear feedback to know what works best and what doesn’t.

You don’t want to be trapped in a cycle of doing the things your partner dislikes over and over and vice versa. I once had a girlfriend walk into the next room after every night with her boyfriend so she could make herself cum — she stayed in a cycle of bad sex because the first time was great and she figured there was always chance they could replicate that first night without intervention. Don’t do that, it’s not worth it.

Be Tactful

Don’t just jump in right after sex saying you didn’t like so-and-so act. That’s a quick way to make your partner cagey and offended. But it can also be as easy as “how was it” and “did you like it when…” this is especially important when you’re trying something new or something you’r unfamiliar with. If you’re trying something new in a long term relationship it can be just as important to figure out how this new play works or doesn’t. Don’t worry about asking for more details, you can ask if there’s something specific you want information about.

Team work makes the dream work. Did you picture jazz hands with that statement because I totally did. But that’s basically how I want to feel, giddy and excited not nervous and anxious. So I’m trying to navigate how to make us both feel comfortable and yeah, actions may be louder than words but words work best when we need straight forward conversation.

Post-sex wrap-up is a great way to bond. It lets you both know you’re both into it and want things to work out. It’s fine to be okay with sex but it’s amazing to really want it. Find what works and get to having the best sex.

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Sophia An

Written by

Sophia An

Writer, artist, book lover. Shakespeare said “look like the innocent flower but be the serpent under it.” Someone help me be the flower.

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Sophia An

Written by

Sophia An

Writer, artist, book lover. Shakespeare said “look like the innocent flower but be the serpent under it.” Someone help me be the flower.

Sexography

Conversations about sex from all around the world

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