Bad Sex Is Never One Person’s Fault (Here’s Why)
Taking blame out of the bedroom
Raise your hand if you’ve ever left a sexual encounter feeling like a deflated balloon.
Or worse, like you’ve just participated in the world’s most disappointing game of Twister. I’m willing to bet my last cookie, you’ve been there, done that, got the metaphorical T-shirt.
We tend to internalize it, and it often feels like it’s our own personal failing.
We need to talk about this because bad sex is never just one person’s fault.
“For many people, sex is an opportunity to fail. And for some people, not failing is the best that sex ever gets.” — Dr. Marty Klein
Blame, Shame, and the Sexual Game
Like ill-timed flatulence at a royal banquet, blame has no place in the bedroom.
Here’s why: when we start blaming, we stop communicating (and, worse, we stop connecting). To paraphrase my understanding of a concept grounded in the teachings of American psychologist and sexologist, Dr. Marty Klein:
The quality of our sex lives is determined not by the tricks we can do with our bodies, but by the meanings we can share with our minds.
The bedroom should be a place of exploration, discovery, and fun, not a battleground of blame. If we were perfect at everything the first time around, life would be a snooze fest.
Sex is no different.
It’s a journey of trial and error, of understanding, of laughter, and yes, sometimes even of awkward, uncomfortable moments. And that’s okay.
The Myth of Perfect Sex
Movies, books, and pornography have peddled the notion of perfect sex for years.
You know what I’m talking about. The kind where everything is synchronized to the second, where there’s not a hair out of place, and where it seems to exist in some kind of soft focus bubble.
Well, here’s a news flash — real life isn’t like that.
Real life is messy, chaotic, and unpredictable. It’s time we applied the same realism to our sexual encounters and debunked the myth of perfect sex. Life is not a Hollywood film and your bedroom is not a movie set.
So, let’s cut ourselves some slack, shall we?
Besides, research on shame has clearly shown for decades that blame is bad for relationships.
All the way back in 1995, a published study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology said this:
Results show that explicit communication of anger may be maladaptive and blaming one’s spouse may vitiate social support. Verbalized anger and blame may be important causes as well as manifestations of marital dissatisfaction.
Misfires, Miscommunication, and Mix-ups
Most often, the not-so-great moments between the sheets boil down to a simple problem: miscommunication or a lack thereof.
Maybe you like your ear nibbled and your partner prefers a gentle stroke down their back. Perhaps your idea of erotic involves a steaming romance novel and theirs is more “50 Shades of Nope.”
The question is: How do we navigate this?
- Speak up — Nothing kills a mood faster than silence. Communication is key. If something doesn’t work for you, say so.
- Listen — Just as important as speaking up, is listening. Pay attention to your partner’s signals, both verbal and non-verbal.
- Keep it light — Nobody likes being critiqued mid-session. Keep it light, inject some humor, and remember, it’s all about enjoying the journey, not just the destination. You’re supposed to actually like the person you’re screwing.
- Be patient— Good things take time. Give yourself and your partner the freedom to explore without rushing.
Learning, Evolving, and Growing
Just like any other aspect of our lives, our sexual encounters are a chance to learn, evolve, and grow.
Every misstep is an opportunity to better understand our bodies, our partners, and our desires. To put it another way, if you’re not fluffing a few lines in the script, you’re probably sticking to the same old (boring) dialogue.
And where’s the fun in that?
The Bedroom Is Not a Courtroom
The bedroom is not a place for pointing fingers, it’s a place for pointing toes…in pleasure, of course. 😉
It’s high time we took the blame out of the bedroom and replaced it with better communication, understanding, and a sense of adventure.
If you find yourself in a less-than-stellar sexual encounter, remember this: Sex is not a performance art where one person’s mistake ruins the entire show.
Instead, it’s a collaborative experience that thrives on mutual enjoyment, understanding, and respect. It’s not about “winning” or “losing” but about creating an environment of mutual pleasure and intimacy.
The Takeaway: Break Free from the Blame Game
Sexual encounters, just like any other human interaction, are imperfect.
They can be clumsy, awkward, hilarious, and sometimes downright weird. But that’s part of what makes them uniquely wonderful and memorable.
When we stop seeing lousy sex as a personal failing and start viewing it as a collective misfire, we open up the space for improvement, exploration, and some really great sex.
After all, in the silky sheets of life, a few awkward moments in the bedroom are just tiny, laughable stitches. No one ever made a beautiful tapestry without missing a few stitches along the way.
Final Thoughts
A little light-hearted laughter in the bedroom can go a long way.
If you find yourself fumbling, remember the immortal words of legendary English author Neil Gaiman:
I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world.
The same holds true for sex. Here’s to fewer fingers of blame and more fingers of fun.
If you want something else to do with your finger, click my Medium email link. You know you wanna.
