BDSM: A Beginner's Guide

Don’t make the mistakes I made.

Image by Pretty Sleepy Art on Pixabay

Before we dive in, I’d like to share a true story of my first BDSM experience for educational purposes.

“Kneel down”, I said.
I felt my heart beating in my throat as she willingly kneels down in front of me, all the while looking me right in the eyes.
“Yes. Good girl. Now put up your hands.”
While slowly offering her wrists to me, I see her glancing at my pants, right where my erection presses against the inside of my jeans.
“Ah.. you like what you see, dirty girl?”
Her naughty smile is all I needed for an answer, and I quickly pull the hemp rope out of my back pocket.

Dammit… there’s a big ass knot in it.

I tug on the knot, trying to get it loose. While I fiddle with the rope, she sees my shaking hands. Her arms are getting tired, so she retracts them, only making me more nervous. When the knot is finally out, I have to kneel down myself to finally bind her wrists together.

OK… shit happens. Keep going.

“Get up now — ”

I guide her to the couch where I position her carefully over my knee. I grab her hair and start touching her between the legs.

She’s so wet.

“You’ve been a naughty girl, haven’t you?”

“Yes… Sir”, she says.

“For that, you’ll be punished”.

I give her ass a good smack and gauge her reaction. There’s no sound, no movement. All seems good. What I can’t see is her face, silently expressing her pain and discomfort. I feel a big rush of excitement in my stomach. Look at her, laying down so submissively. This is what I’ve been fantasizing about for years.

“It hurts, Sir. Please stop.”, she whispers.

“That’s the point, you naughty girl”.
I smack her again, much harder this time, confident she’ll be able to handle that too.

“Ouch! I said stop!” she screams. As she struggles to free her hands from the rope, I see tears in her eyes.

BDSM is fun, but you should read up on the basics before you embark on this beautiful journey. This guide might prevent you from making the mistakes I made.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is an umbrella term, it stands for:

• Bondage
• Discipline
• Dominance and Submission
• Sadism and Masochism

Bondage is the practice of consensual tying, binding, or restraining a partner. It can be done with rope, cuffs, bondage tape or anything else you can use to restrain your partner. There are multiple reasons one might like bondage; aesthetics, the feeling of (not) being in control, and acting out sexual fantasies are just a few.

Discipline is the practice where a dominant sets rules for the submissive. The submissive is expected to obey. When the submissive fails to do so, a punishment in some form usually follows. People can get really creative here, both regarding the rules and the types of punishment.

In Dominance and Submission, there’s a Dominant (usually written with a capital D) and a submissive. The Dominant enjoys a form of control over the submissive, which can take on many forms and does not necessarily have to be physical. A Dominant could just as well instruct a submissive over the telephone or with text messages. D&S often crosses over to other areas of BDSM, like bondage, discipline and S&M.

Sadism and Masochism is all about giving or receiving pleasure by means of pain or humiliation. A sadist is on the giving end — inflicting pain or humiliating the other — while the masochist is on the receiving end.

Why are people into BDSM?

I asked this question myself for years. There is this stigma that BDSM practitioners are weirdos, with a difficult childhood and/or psychological problems or abuse. But there’s scientific research that shows, for example, no links between childhood abuse and BDSM. The conclusion: “It’s simply a sexual attraction.”

This doesn’t mean you have to go around and tell everybody about your new hobby. They don’t have to know, so you won’t be judged, and don’t need to explain yourself endlessly. I advise keeping your sexual lifestyle mostly to yourself and very close friends, especially when it comes to BDSM.

Having said that, BDSM stopped being the dark, secretive obsession of a few perverts long ago. In the past decade, we’ve seen BDSM play a role in mainstream books, films, and music. The popularity of the “Fifty Shades Of Grey”-trilogy is just one example.

There are many reasons someone might enjoy BDSM. Do not worry about it. If you enjoy BDSM, by all means, dive into it. Grant this pleasure to yourself, there’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, those who practice BDSM are some of the most intelligent, enriched, happy, and open-minded people I’ve met.

Safety first

Photo by Kai Pilger on Unsplash

BDSM needs to be practiced by consenting adults. If there is no consent, we’re talking about abuse or domestic violence. BDSM is great if it’s your thing, but it’s not without risks. Physical and emotional damage can be done if you do not take the proper precautions. This can have serious legal and relational consequences. That’s why this section is the most important one in this article. Please don’t skip it!

Safe, sane and consensual

Many practitioners have adopted the motto “safe, sane and consensual”, which means that:

1. everything is based on safe activities
2. all participants be of sufficiently sane mind to consent
3. all participants consent

It is this mutual consent that makes a clear legal and ethical distinction between BDSM and crimes like sexual assault or domestic violence. Keep this easy to remember motto in the back of your head at all times, even when in the safety of your own home and your years-long relationship.

The importance of a safeword

Being safe, sane and consensual is not enough though. Before you start a scene with a partner, you must agree on a safeword. A safeword can be used if things go too far, for either you or your partner. My advice is to use the stoplight system:

• Red means drop everything you’re doing and STOP
• Orange means slow down, you’re taking it too far but don’t stop
• Green should be unnecessary, but could be used as an encouragement when you sense doubt in your partner: don’t worry… go on, I’m liking this!

Instead, you can also agree on a random word, like ‘toenail’, to stop the scene. Discuss this together and chose what you both feel comfortable with.

A terrible example would be to have safewords like ‘Stop’ or ‘No’. Why is that? In the heat of the moment, you or your partner might use these words without really wanting to stop. Saying stop, or pretending not to want to go any further, could even be part of a play you both agreed upon. It would be silly if you were unable to say simple words like these.

Communication

Just like communication is key to a good and healthy relation, it’s also key to a good BDSM relation. You need to be able to discuss desires, fantasies, likes, and dislikes. You also need to talk about limits — things you or your partner absolutely don’t want to do or experience.

Before each scene, discuss what you will be doing together. Once you’ve made the plans, don’t add new elements during a scene. It might not sound very romantic and spontaneous, I know. But it’s so important when you are starting out. Once you know each other better, you can introduce more spontaneity and variety.

Practice makes perfect

This may feel a little weird at first, but think about it this way: better to feel weird now instead of feeling weird once you try this with a partner. So by all means, take that flogger and start hitting cushions. Try it on your own leg, or ass. It’s good to know how it feels for yourself. Pick up your rope and start binding your own legs together. It’s good practice to test your gear before you use it in a scene with a play partner.

Some ideas to start with

Spanking

If you like the idea of giving or receiving a spanking, here’s some advice to get started.

Some areas of the body are better suited for receiving impact than others. As a beginner, spots to avoid at all cost are the belly area, which has lots of unprotected organs, and the head and neck.

Photo by Jonathan Rados on Unsplash

The buttocks are very fleshy, and thus a good choice to start with.

Place your submissive over your knees while you’re sitting on a couch. If needed, you can use a pillow or two to make her/him comfortable.

Now gently slap your submissive on the butt using nothing but your hand. After each slap, let your submissive give it a number between 1 and 10. One being the least painful, and 10 being way too painful. Wait for the number after every hit.

You now have a direct feedback mechanism and your sub can decide on the pace. I found it to be very useful in getting to know your sub’s pain tolerance.

It’s best to start slowly and build up the spanking strength gradually. This way, your sub will be able to endure much more and perhaps even get a little endorphin rush at some point.

Once you’ve built up, try to vary the strength of your slaps, from very weak to maybe a little on the edge of what’s bearable. Also, play with the spot where you hit your submissive. Notice how hitting the same spot multiple times will increase the painfulness while varying the spot will make it much more bearable.

Finally, you can try to alternate between gentle stroking and slapping and see how your sub likes that.

Bondage

The simplest way to start with bondage is using a blindfold. By removing your submissive’s sight, his/her other senses will be sharpened. You can use basic items for a blindfold: a scarf, a small towel or a night mask. Once blindfolded, you’re responsible for your sub: make sure he/she does not get hurt while walking around. Better: don’t let your sub walk around.

Photo by Kirill Balobanov on Unsplash

When blindfolded, you can introduce all kinds of sensations, here are a few you can try:

• soft stroking with your fingers
• using ice
• pulling a small piece of rope along the body, lightly tickling the skin
• using a feather

If you want to take it a bit further, you can use rope or some toy handcuffs to restrain your partner. If you’re going to play with rope, I strongly suggest googling for a couple of basic rope bondage ties, like the single-column tie and the two-column tie. Practice these ties before the scene. Nothing kills the mood more than endless fiddling with rope.

Dominance and submission

Here are some ideas to get you started with dominance and submission:

• Make your partner crawl for you
• Use your partner as a table or a foot bench (objectification)
• Train your partner. Make your sub remember all kinds of positions you like. Tell him/her exactly how to pleasure you.
• Make your sub wear a collar, and if you both like it: use a leash to walk your sub around.
• If your sub is a female, make her rub herself on your leg or knee, until she comes. Enjoy the show. For added sadistic effect: deny her orgasm right before she comes.
• Let your sub prepare dinner for you — naked, of course.
• Try edging your partner
• Throw in some hair pulling, but do it carefully — make sure you grab a handful of hair, which shouldn’t hurt too much.
• Using aggressive language. Warning: only use agreed-upon words. Some words can trigger hefty and unexpected emotions.
• Make your sub call you Sir or Madam

Do I need tools and toys?

You don’t have to buy that fancy red ball gag or that expensive leather flogger. There is so much you and your partner can do without spending a dime. I strongly recommend you not to buy anything when you are just beginning. Start simple.

Want to try spanking? Use your hands. It’s much more intimate and you’ll be able to feel the force of the impact yourself too. Want to restrain your partner? Perhaps you have some toy handcuffs lying around. You could also use a belt or some rope from the garage. You don’t need fancy looking hemp rope, at least not when you’re just starting.

You get the idea. Once it turns out you and your partner enjoy BDSM, not just the idea of it, you can start buying stuff and exploring all kinds of play. Do not buy the cheap stuff from China. I’ve had ball gags with dubious smells, leather floggers that weren’t leather, etcetera. Spend a little more for the handmade stuff from sites like Etsy.

Aftercare

Once your play is over, you’re not entirely done yet. There’s an important part of BDSM called aftercare. It serves multiple purposes:

• bringing each other back to reality
• re-establishing the normal, loving roles you would normally assume
• giving attention to physical and emotional needs
• learning from each other: what worked, what was enjoyable, what should we do differently or stop doing entirely?

Photo by Morteza Yousefi on Unsplash

In BDSM, it’s common to have spikes of adrenaline and endorphins, also called natural highs. It’s one of the things that make BDSM attractive, but also has the consequence of a “drop” sometimes.

Drop is a feeling that can start right after a scene, or many hours later. It can manifest itself in all kinds of ways, and can differ in intensity from person to person.

Some symptoms to look out for: feeling down, feeling worthless, having little to no energy, and crying.

Take care of each other, comfort each other if needed. Talk about it! In my experience, it helps to know the physical cause for these feelings.

So what went wrong in the opening story?

First, we did not agree on a stopword. We truly believed we didn’t need one — we knew each other so well!

The next mistake was a lack of communication. We should have talked about limits. We should have talked about what we were going to do. Kneeling down was not a problem for her — she even though it was hot. But it could have been a trigger too, something to upset her too much to continue.

We agreed on spanking, but I was too inexperienced to properly asses her reactions. The “rating”-system as I described would have saved us from that disaster.

I also didn’t prepare very well. I shouldn’t have stuffed the rope in my back pocket without inspecting it carefully first. I probably shouldn’t have started with rope at all, to be honest.

We didn’t do everything wrong though. After this scene we talked, cuddled, and finally made sweet love. We lived happily ever after (she’s still my wife). I did a lot more research before trying again though!

Wrap up

To re-iterate some of the key points:

• agree on a safeword
• start small and prepare and practice beforehand if needed
• communicate with each other all the way
• don’t forget aftercare
• Don’t take it too seriously — enjoy yourself!