Begging for Consent Should Be a Sexual Offence
Guilt-tripping someone to have sex with you is fierce psychological violence—completely different to asking for consent
Back in my late twenties, A good friend once asked me: “Have you ever begged a woman to have sex with you?”
With a very specific idea of what begging meant, I couldn’t think of an occasion.
“I have,” he added and narrated an incident of one of his casual relationships.
That woman didn’t want to have sex that night. My friend felt desperate for sex, so he begged her to do it. She eventually gave in.
We laughed, thinking about it. We thought it was embarrassing of him. We thought it was about a man lowering his status and losing dignity. A “how low can you go to get laid?” kind of thing.
We didn’t go any deeper. We didn’t see the ugly truth behind the amusing façade of a man embarrassing himself.
We didn’t see the woman’s position.
Only years after did I come to realise that what my friend did was a sexual offence.
Whoa, you may say. Begging, by definition, puts you in a position of weakness and low status. How can it be a sexual offence?
Begging can be very manipulative. Think about the marketing strategy of most beggars: “Look at me and feel guilty for the money you have. Give me some and you will be absolved.”
When my friend begged for sex, there was no physical pressure, but there must have been a lot of the psychological kind. He got his lover’s consent by manipulating her emotions. He either guilt-tripped her or made her sick of listening to his begging.
And there is more than just begging. The book Actions: The Actors’ Thesaurus by Marina Caldarone & Maggie Lloyd-Williams is a collection of action verbs used by actors and directors to pursue character objectives in a dramatic scene. Under its section “Manipulative Words,” we get:
Bait, Beg, Beguile, Beseech, Besiege, Bewitch, Bind, Blackmail, Brainwash, Bribe, Browbeat, Buff, Butter
And that’s just ‘B.’
I realised that “getting someone to do something” and specifically “getting someone to have sex with you” can be done with many ways. Some brutal. Some polite. Some passive-aggressive.
I reconsidered my friend’s question.
No, I haven’t begged, but I have certainly tried — and occasionally succeeded in — manipulating women to have sex with me.
I wasn’t aware of it. I am, now. And it is my duty to point it out to myself, so it won’t happen again.
Hopefully, it will also help others see what they previously ignored.
“Are you sure?”
My first one night stand was a summer flirt, when I was 21. We flirted throughout the evening and, late at night, we ended up in my room.
As we were making out, she told me: “Marcel, I can’t have sex with you. I have my period.”
I said “OK.”
We proceeded in making out and doing stuff that didn’t require me touching her genitals or her removing her underwear.
At some point, though, I asked her: “Are you sure you can’t have sex?”
She calmly replied, “Yes.”
And that was it. We continued with our kissing and petting. None of us came. We slept for a couple of hours in a hug. Then we parted ways.
So, what was wrong with that picture?
Several things, actually.
Was she clear about not giving consent for sex? Yes, 100%.
Did I violate her boundaries? Well, no… But… I sure tried to.
Although she was perfectly clear about where she drew the line, I placed the issue of her consent on the table again, by asking her “if she was sure.”
Why on earth did I ask her that? She had clearly said “no.”
1. I hadn’t believed her excuse
Her excuse.
I actually thought that “having her period” was a made-up excuse.
And I didn’t believe it.
2. I made it about me
I wanted to know the real reason behind her not wanting to have sex.
Didn’t she like me enough?
Even if I didn’t initiate a discussion, I had a narrative of doubt playing in my head. It wouldn’t let me completely submit to the moment—or see her as a person with her own choices.
Instead of respecting her choice—not to mention her straightforwardness—greed and narcissism took over. I made the whole issue about me.
I would add “… even if only in my head,” but that wouldn’t be true. After all, it did spurt out as an innocent and polite “are you sure?”
3. I didn’t find her reason good enough
Even if the excuse were real, I wasn’t convinced that having her period was good enough a reason to completely rule out penetrative sex.
My question was condescending, in a way that I didn’t detect back then. I thought I knew more about her body than she did.
Plus, I felt entitled to it, no matter what.
But I didn’t see it back then. I was proud that I was polite enough to ask.
Being polite about it doesn’t stop it from being oppressing.
It took me years to even suspect how horrible it is to negotiate consent.
4. I felt entitled to a reason
Even if it is obvious to me today, back then I was too full of myself to even suspect the Big Truth:
She actually didn’t need to give me any reason at all.
She could have had any reason for wanting or not wanting sex or anything else to do with me. Moreover, she was free to share or not share that reason.
But I didn’t get that. I thought I was entitled to an explanation, and it better be a good one.
Which means that I felt entitled to having sex with her. I felt entitled to taking and owning her, like any rapist. I simply had a different MO: I was polite about it.
Does that make me any better than the random rapist next door?
Fuck politeness, if it manipulates.
It sucks. It sucks to be that man.
It is important to be honest with what we do. It is important to see what we do for what it is.
Only then can we change it.
I am grateful to that brave woman who was so clear and firm with her boundaries.
Had she had a moment of weakness or guilt, had she said, “oh, I guess it’s okay…” I would have actually pressured her into doing something she wasn’t comfortable with. And I would have learnt nothing about consent from our encounter.
I want to apologise to her for trying to bend her perfectly clear boundaries. She was very brave to calmly and firmly restate them, for me. She taught me a priceless lesson about consent.
It took years, but eventually I got it.
“We haven’t done it for ages”
I applied more pressure whenever I knew the other person well: in my relationships.
Again, I never used brute force to make a woman have sex with me. But I would complain when she said no. I would argue. I would sulk. I would apply psychological pressure, to make her change her mind.
And that wasn’t cool. Actually, that was terrible.
Even in my current relationship, I used to be offended when my wife refused to have sex. I took it personally. I sulked. It’s terrible, but I have to be honest:
I wanted her to feel guilty for saying “no.”
I initiated discussions on the spot, where I complained and argued: “You always say no. What are you waiting for? The stars to align? There will never be a perfect time to do it. You are thinking too much about it,” etc.
Discussing through their problems is the best thing a couple can do and a healthy sign. What wasn’t right in my case was that (1) I chose to have such discussions right there and then, instead of later, with a cooler mind and some judgement, and (2) I used the discussions to apply pressure and overturn her rejection.
Needless to say, it never went well. We ended up fighting, every time.
What is the big deal with getting rejected, anyway?
In my case, being in a sexless relationship is one of my biggest fears. The thought of it can panic me. It’s not a stretch to say that, on some unconscious level, lack of sex means death. And who doesn’t fear death?
But all my fears and neuroses put together do not justify pushing a person to do something they don’t want.
It took a lot of inner work and confrontation of my deepest fears to actually stop attempting to manipulate my wife’s consent.
Which brings me to the next case study.
“For me, this is sexy”
On an evening of our last summer vacations, my wife asked me to massage her feet and legs. It is something that I often do, to relieve her muscles from the daily stress.
I very well know that for her it is not a sexual event.
And for me? It depends. Some nights I am very professional about it. Other nights, I see it as pure foreplay. I still do it, but it’s rather one-sided.
That particular night, I felt very sexy. Still, I knew that all she wanted was to have her feet massaged and fall asleep.
One option would be to do some emotional labour and suppress my desire — like other times. I managed to pull this off in this story, which happened months after the summer holidays. So, it can happen.
But I wasn’t confident about it back then. The risk of failing miserably was high. I could end up guilt-tripping my wife for not being in the mood.
So, instead of hiding, I did the opposite.
I chose to be open about it, but also willing to respect her boundaries.
“I have to tell you something,” I said. “I know you want me to massage your legs. The thing is, touching your legs tonight is turning me on so much. I can’t see it as just massage. It is absolutely sexy and erotic for me right now. I am not saying this to make you feel bad or have sex. But I want you to know. If this is okay with you, I can go on with the massage. If you are not comfortable with the idea, then perhaps I should stop.”
She liked my honesty. In fact, she got turned on by it. And she asked me to have sex.
I am proud of that story. Oh, not because I got to have sex. I am proud because that moment I managed to honour both my feelings and my wife’s boundaries.
If I have to make sense out of the sex-having part, I can say it was an unexpected present we offered each other. A prize we won, not for being perfect, but for being as close, clear, loving, and kind as possible to each other.
It also stems right out of the fact that — as others like Shannon Ashley and Judith Duportail have pointed out — consent is sexy.
Epilogue
There are various ways to ask someone for their consent—or bait, beg, beguile, beseech, besiege, bewitch, bind, blackmail, brainwash, bribe, browbeat, buff, and butter them to have sex with you.
Before getting there, though, I suggest we change how we see sex altogether:
Let’s stop seeing consent as a conquest or a score system. As a game that we have to be the winners in.
Let’s get rid of this toxic belief. Human relationships—and our lives in general—will get a huge upgrade.
Let our goal be having healthy relationships with each other. I don’t know if we can love everybody, but we can sure respect someone we feel like sharing a hug with.
Let sex be a product of that.
If this piece spoke to you, you may also enjoy:
