There’s a lot of information out there on what to do when your partner isn’t able to get hard.
Do a simple Google search and you’ll find this article, this one, or this one from Elite Daily, the Huffington Post, and the like. All of them in some way or another site the following reasons for your man not getting hard:
- Being nervous
- Masturbating too much
- Taking medications like antidepressants
- Being stressed in other parts of his life
They all underline that it’s not because you aren’t pretty enough, or you suck at kissing, or you smell bad. That it’s not your fault. There are other things your partner is dealing with which may cause erectile dysfunction. And they are mostly correct in their assertions.
But one thing all of these articles fail to mention is this:
His E.D. could actually have as much to do with you as it does him.
I know this from experience. A few years back, I met Matt at a party in Brooklyn. We got along really well, so we exchanged numbers, and after our second date, I went back to his place.
We started to make out in his bed, and, at some point, I reached towards his crotch. But I noticed he wasn’t hard.
So I took my hand away thinking that maybe we just needed to kiss a little more or get naked first.
But taking off our clothes didn’t work either.
This was not something I was used to, and I didn’t really know what I should do next.
With my ex-boyfriend, I could simply whisper the word “taco” in his ear and he would come to attention. This was different, to say the least.
After some time, we ended up lying next to each other naked propped up against the headboard. “I’m sorry,” he said bashfully.
“It’s okay,” I replied trying my best to say the right thing. “Has this happened before?”
“Yeah, sometimes,” he said.
Okay, it’s him, not me. Phew, I thought. That was the answer I’d expected and was relieved to hear. I’d heard that a woman isn’t responsible if her boyfriend doesn’t get hard, so I knew not to pin it on myself.
We made out a little more, and he tried to please me with his hands but I couldn’t get into it. Eventually, we gave up, cuddled, and went to sleep.
This happened a few times, but I just assumed it was something he would need to work out on his own. Or that our sex life just wouldn’t include penetration.
But then everything changed.
As time went on, I started to like Matt more and more. And I become more and more attracted to him.
Then one day at his place, we shared some wine, made dinner, and went back to his room. I grabbed his face and kissed him aggressively. I turned around to rub my butt against him as I turned my head to make out with him more. He put his arms around me and pulled my shirt down to rub my nipples from behind.
For some reason, the way he touched my body, the way I was able to let myself go that evening, made me want him in a way I hadn’t ever before. I moaned from deep in my core.
I knew I was dripping wet.
Eventually, we went to his bed, and I helped him take off his pants. And what I saw was shocking:
There in front of me was a rock hard penis I didn’t even recognize. It was also way bigger than I knew it could be. I was like, “Wow. Put that in my mouth now.”
It was like night and day. It was our best night of sex. By far.
What had changed? Well, there was only one thing I could think of.
It takes two to tango.
The male erection is not always just up (pun intended) to him; it’s also up to whoever else happens to be in the room. In this case, it was me and my arousal that changed the game.
We generally think of men’s sexual desires as simple and women’s as complex, as described by this Psychology Today article, Robert Weiss, Ph.D. writes:
“[For women], sexual behaviors are driven more by the relationship than by physical attraction. Male sexual desire? Not so much. Show a typical guy some T&A and he’s probably good to go.”
But that explanation is not only crass but untrue.
Men’s sexual desire can also be quite nuanced, and his ability to “perform” also depends on the connection he has with you. It’s not just about the stuff he has going on in his personal life or what medications he takes, as described above.
All of those reasons for him not getting it up could also apply to the partner involved.
With great responsibility, comes great power.
In some cases, like with Matt and me, you may be the one who needs to be aroused first in order to make the sex happen.
And if you’re not aroused enough maybe you just need more foreplay. Or you need to take a step back and find your emotional connection first before you engage in sexual activity.
Maybe you need to watch pornography. Talk dirty. Roll play.
Do whatever you need to do to become more and more aroused.
The worst-case scenario is he still doesn’t get hard even when you are really turned on. But at that point, there are plenty of other activities you can engage in that don’t involve a hard penis.
In my case, the whole time, I had been waiting for him to get hard before I could let myself get really turned on. But that’s kind of a double standard when you think about it.
It turns out seeing me really turned on first is what finally got him up. And to my surprise, after that day, he rarely had a problem getting an erection again.
Every case is different and I wouldn’t expect the same exact thing to happen to you.
But just consider that unlike what the most popular advice says, you may have some work to do with yourself to get him where you want him to be. His body may be waiting to see you beg for it.
Maybe for once, you, the person with a vagina, are now the new limiting factor. You are now the one who must set the pace for a change. Embrace that power.
Because what you thought was a problem might actually be the best thing that ever happened to your sex life.
If you liked this, read more about my life-changing discoveries in the bedroom here: