Can We Fantasise About Raping People?
Female rape fantasies get discussed a lot, but how about flipping the script?
A couple of weeks ago, Octavia Morrison wrote an article about rape fantasies. As you may see from the comments, it was a journey for me to actually get what she was talking about.
(Thank you, Octavia and Darcy Reeder, for helping me wrap my head around this and doing some research.)
I am sure many people share my confusion. In an age when men still negotiate, manipulate, totally ignore, and in many ways violate consent, discussing women’s fantasies where they have their consent taken away seems counter-intuitive — even dangerous.
And it is a tricky issue, indeed.
This is exactly why it is important to discuss it. Regardless of our gender, we all need to fully understand what these fantasies are about and — very important! — how they differ from real-life sexual assaults.
Octavia’s article inspired and puzzled me. Other than contemplating the question “why do women have such fantasies,” it also made me ask another one:
If it’s okay for women to fantasise about being raped, is it okay for men to fantasise about raping someone?
I am not a psychologist and this is in no way a scientific essay. At its best, it is my spin on a very important discussion. My ambition is to start a dialogue on the subject and perhaps entice specialists to look into the matter more thoroughly and responsibly.
Women’s fantasies
It seems that many women fantasize about being overpowered and forced to having sex.
After research on the subject, psychologists and sexologists agree today that those fantasies are very common, completely healthy, and reveal a core element in female eroticism.
First of all, there is an important distinction between such fantasies and an actual rape experience. In no way does having the fantasy imply a desire to be raped in real life. Psychologist Michael Castleman, in his article Why Do Women Have Rape Fantasies? on Psychology Today, dismisses as obsolete the view that fantasies always reflect wishes. Therefore, women who have rape fantasies do not actually want to be coerced into sex.
He then gives us the two best supported by research explanations as to why so many women have fantasies of being forced into sex:
Sexual desirability reflects the arc of romance fiction: a powerful, dangerous man becomes so enthralled by the fantasy’s protagonist that he must have her, even if his pursuit is assaultive. The protagonist’s thematic statement in such a fantasy therefore is: “I’m so hot. I drive men crazy.”
Also, a woman’s sexual openness may make her explore erotic fantasies beyond what she would desire or allow in real life. Therefore, the fantasy’s thematic statement is:
“It’s a fantasy. I’m free to fantasise anything.”
Flipping the script
If it’s okay for women to have such fantasies, can men fantasise about the reversed scenario?
Can men fantasise about forcing women to have sex with them?
I didn’t find any sources on this, so I can only answer it with my own means: by analysing my own fantasies as to the scenario, the feelings, and the satisfaction they offer. I can also compare them to the 2 prevalent explanations of the female fantasies: sexual desirability and sexual openness.
She says no, but she means yes
So, what satisfaction do I get by fantasising about forcing a woman into having sex with me?
First of all, I never fantasise about hurting her. I would never be turned on by the thought of causing physical or psychological harm to anyone.
On the contrary, what turns me on is the fact that the woman actually gets to enjoy it.
She objects at first, but she ends up loving it.
Therefore, the fantasy is not about breaking a woman’s will, but about taking her to a realm of pleasure that she didn’t know existed or that she resisted going to.
In other words, I fantasise about overcoming the woman’s resistance, for her own benefit, as well as my own.
Yes, I understand that it is one of the narratives that perpetuate rape culture in real life. “When she says no, she actually means yes,” “pursuit is part of the flirting game,” etc.
But here’s the rub: in real life.
A fantasy is not real life and it is every adult’s responsibility to keep the two distinguished and separated.
We’ve already established that sexual openness allows women to fantasise of such scenarios, with the thematic statement: “It’s a fantasy. I’m free to fantasise anything.” Men can do the same, can’t they?
To avoid confusion: real life patriarchy and rape culture have a slightly different thematic statement:
MAN: “It’s patriarchy. I’m free to do anything.”
Distinguishing fantasy from reality is key.
The turning point of consent
Overcoming the woman’s resistance is the fantasy’s most important plot point.
I am not talking about the point when he first violates her consent, but about when she first moans with pleasure.
That is when her “no” becomes a “yes” — or rather an “Oh, God, yes!”
That is the point where the male fantasist celebrates his sexual desirability. Similar to the women’s fantasies, sexual desirability is an important raison d’etre: “I am so hot, women can’t resist.”
This narrative is the male counterpart of the romance fiction arc described in Castleman’s article.
In my case, I can easily fantasise about being a robust seducer (great stamina, larger penis, what have you) who leads my involuntary partner to levels of pleasure she never knew existed. And I get to enjoy sexual desirability along with a real life orgasm. What more can I ask for from a fantasy?
“We shouldn’t” vs. “I don’t want to”
In regard to the fantasy’s backstory, the reason for the woman’s resistance makes a difference.
In my fantasies, resisting women tend to say (or imply) some variation of, “Stop! We shouldn’t!” rather than, “Stop! I don’t want to…”
“We shouldn’t” means there are some inner inhibitions that originate from societal norms. It also suggests an invitation for him to liberate her from such inhibitions.
“We shouldn’t,” because…
“… I’m married!”
“… they will see us!”
“… my father will kill me!”
“… the vicar is here!”
“We shouldn’t” suggests the existence of an oppressive status quo begging to be torn down. Demolishing puritanical regimes through sex—or at least defying them—has been the most popular fantasy since Boccaccio was around. The sub-genre of sex comedy is built on it.
And we all know how hot the thought of demolishing it can be.
On the other hand, “I don’t want to” can mean anything. It can mean inner inhibitions, past traumas, dislike of me as a person.
I don’t know about other people but, for me, “Stop! We shouldn’t” works better.
The Mentor’s archetype
A fantasy of forcing a woman to have sex is, in essence, one of offering her pleasure beyond her limits. It is a fantasy of initiating her to kinds of pleasure unknown to her.
As he helps the female overcome her inner inhibitions, sexual guilt, shame, and frustration, the male embodies the archetype of the Mentor.
And when sex is involved, the Mentor is a pretty hot archetype to embody.
He does not create her pleasure, but he helps her find it within herself.
This is an additional reason why such fantasies are arousing. Apart from his pleasure, the male also gains the female’s gratitude, for having helped her transcend her own sexual barriers.
Negative fantasies
I may have mentioned the most positive versions of rape fantasies, but they are not the only ones.
Sadistic male rape fantasies
I said I would never be turned on by the thought of causing harm, but it is possible that a man can fantasise about hurting a woman. Wikipedia quotes Michael J. Bader’s work Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by briefly stating:
A male sexual fantasy of raping a woman may bring sexual arousal either from imagining a scene in which first a woman objects but then comes to like and eventually participate in the intercourse, or else one in which the woman does not like it and arousal is associated with the idea of hurting the woman.
I don’t know how these are supposed to be dealt with. They seem different from everything else I’ve been discussing further above.
I doubt that having sadistic fantasies means that a man will necessarily become a full blown rapist or serial killer, but my guess is that there are some issues with anger towards women and towards self. Therapy can help face that anger, as well as other dark parts of the self.
Aversive female rape fantasies
Getting back to the subject of the female fantasies of being forced, I should also mention the case of aversive fantasies. Michael Castleman says:
Rape fantasies can be either erotic or aversive. In erotic fantasies, the woman thinks: “I’m being forced and I enjoy it.” In aversive fantasies, she thinks: “I’m being forced and I hate it.” Forty-five-percent of the women in [a] recent survey had fantasies that were entirely erotic. Nine percent were entirely aversive. And 46 percent were mixed.
Again, I have no knowledge on how one is supposed to deal with such fantasies and I would appreciate finding any sources on the matter.
Are rape fantasies dangerous?
Is a knife dangerous? Is fire dangerous? Should we reject such useful tools for their dangerous nature?
Of course not. We need to educate ourselves on how to experience and use them. First of all, we must keep in mind that such fantasies are perfectly healthy manifestations of our sexuality — healthier than suppressing or censoring them.
Then, we must keep fantasy and reality clearly distinguished. We can’t use fantasies to set examples for our real life behaviour.
Third, we must understand consent.
In real life, consent is never under negotiation.
We are never allowed to violate or bypass it in any way.
So, to allow our imagination to run wild and free, we need to develop some virtues. A clear head and the ability to set boundaries to ourselves. Sexual openness and positivity, along with education, wisdom, and empathy. Respect and consideration of others and their own boundaries.
Then, we can explore even the most extreme fantasies and only benefit from them.
Sources & further reading
- Seltzer, Leon F. (2014). Don’t Call Them “Rape Fantasies”. Psychology Today.
- Castleman, Michael (2010). Women’s Rape Fantasies: How Common? What Do They Mean?. Psychology Today.
- Castleman, Michael (2015). Why Do Women Have Rape Fantasies? Psychology Today.
- Bergner, Daniel (2009). What Do Women Want? The New York Times Magazine.
- Billock, Jennifer (2018). When Rape Survivors Have Rape Fantasies. Vice.
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