Does Your Doctor Talk About Sex?
Many healthcare professionals aren’t talking about sex and that’s not okay.
I often find myself starting my articles in the same way…sex is a taboo subject. This is the case for many people and doctors are just people…in white lab coats and authority figures, but people, nonetheless. Many doctors have their own difficulties talking about sex, just like most of us probably do or have in the past.
Poor Bedside Manners
I recently listened to a podcast with two male doctors talking about erectile dysfunction and how to treat it without the use of medications. I will not name the podcast because it was so embarrassing and I wouldn’t recommend it. I struggled to witness these two medical professionals talk about sex and penises like teenage boys. They were giggling and I could almost hear them blush as they talked. This is a perfect example of how doctors are only human and have their own hidden or not-so-hidden blocks.
I’ve had my own experience with doctors and therapists in the past who clearly struggled to talk about sex. I could pick up on it right away and knew that I wouldn’t be able to discuss my own sexuality, sexual problems, sexual expression, or other aspects of my own life because they didn’t understand these aspects of sexual life for themselves. It was very uncomfortable bringing up these topics with them and when I did, they wouldn’t go anywhere. These big chunks of my life were ignored and dismissed because of these professional’s lack of awareness. Knowing that I couldn’t talk about these parts of life ultimately led to me feeling even more shame around sex, which was a huge part of what led to me seeking out sex therapy training.
I recall a gynecologist — whom you would expect to have an easier time talking about sex — dismissing me entirely when I expressed concerns about painful sex. They literally said there was no redness or evidence of injury that they could see, therefore “it must all be in my head and I should just find a therapist” and abruptly ended the conversation. She didn’t even both to offer any referrals to good therapists and made me feel crazy for bringing it up in the first place. I definitely got the message that sex isn’t an important part of life and I shouldn’t be bothering my doctors with such things.
Since working as a sex therapist, I have heard this same situation repeated almost verbatim from clients time and time again as they report talking to their gynecologists or other medical professionals. I have learned that this is a fairly common exchange between doctors and patients.
Doctors Are Only Human
We can’t expect doctors to have more ease in talking about sex than other people. Most of them don’t get any specialized training around talking about sex with patients. They don’t even get much training at all in sexual health, how sex impacts one’s health, or how one’s health impacts one’s sex life.
Just like with all healthcare workers — including most psychotherapists, nurses, physical therapists, and all the others — doctors are human beings with their own past experiences. Some doctors may have been raised in a sex-positive manner, with parents who were comfortable enough to talk about sex, sexual expression, gender, and gender expression. Indeed, they may have grown up with a healthy sense of their own sexuality. Others may have chosen to do their own work to overcome obstacles around their sexual history and upbringing. These are the doctors who will ask questions about the sex lives of their patients with less awkwardness or tension. You can just feel it.
Other doctors may have grown up in households where sex wasn’t ever talked about. They never had role models to help them understand how to talk about sex and sexuality. This may lead to them having some sexual hang-ups and sexual negativity biases that they aren’t even aware they hold. When they go to medical school, no one helps them grapple with their own sexual history, beliefs, and misunderstandings around sex. Professors and mentors don’t share questions to ask about sexual health or how to talk about sex with patients because they weren’t taught either.
Doctors do not get educated about sexual healthcare, and they aren’t able to talk with patients about sex in part because we live in a sex-negative culture. Just as with sexual education in this country, doctors learn about reproductive health, biology, and anatomy, of course, but sex and sexuality are much more complex.
Sex is Important to Talk About
Over the years, I have learned how important it is to seek out doctors and therapists with whom I feel comfortable asking questions about sex and they feel comfortable asking questions and talk about sex more freely and openly. This comfort helps tremendously in treatment of all kinds of issues unrelated to sex too.
You want to advocate for yourself and be sure to make your health the priority. Many health concerns — both physical and mental health — are connected to sexual health too, in some way. It’s best to find healthcare professionals who understand this connection and know it’s important to talk about sex. Their ease and comfort in talking about sex will just be felt.
Kimberly Atwood, LPC, CST is a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist specializing in sexual health, intimacy and relationships. She is a member of the exclusive provider network for Princeton University. She also provides online telehealth services in Indiana, New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and internationally.
