Don’t be silly, that’s nothing
Throughout our lives people dismiss all manner of things that may be important to you, ‘oh, don’t worry about that little thing’, ‘it’s nothing’, you know the drill; you’ve more than likely experienced it more times than you care to remember and probably done it yourself. But while it seems like ‘nothing’ to those around you, to you, it’s something…
There’s nothing more defining for a person than their experiences with sex. For seemingly such a simple and natural act, the ramifications of good, bad, abusive or repressed sexual encounters early on, as one’s learning how to manage what is an immensely complex human interaction, can shape one for life. While I now sit back, older, (possibly) wiser and look back at myself, I realise my concerns were for naught but as I had them, and they were real to me and they shaped the direction and choices I made as I became sexually aware.
Foreskin.
I grew up in a world where, for the most part, all boys were circumcised. It was just the done thing. So coming to the realisation at an early age that you we’re the odd one out was a powerful force to contend with growing up. Change rooms, boys talking like boys, even graffiti, if it involved the male anatomy, circumcised was the norm. Pre teen years were easy, just avoid being naked amongst your peers, which for the most part was a pretty simple thing to do. But by the time teens came and the question of girls started to become a thing, internal anxieties started to brew; so much so, I had asked my parents if I could be circumcised. To their credit they took my concerns seriously enough that they spoke to the local hospital but were talked out of it by a friend who’s husband was a doctor (insert question re. why they asked family friends….!).
At school, especially by 14 or so, everyone had friends that were starting to ‘fool around’. Parties, Friday nights, whatever, an increasing number of my friends, my best friend especially, were starting to explore the world of girls. For me though my internal conflict about something that was otherwise completely natural, yet unnatural at the same time, meant as much as I wanted to, and could, I mainly avoided doing the same. Maybe it was fear of rejection, or ridicule, but the idea of a girl (potentially) seeing something she was not at all expecting was not something I wanted to go near. In turn, rightly or wrongly, I avoided quite a few situations that would have provided opportunity for the exploration any hormone driven adolescent boy yearned for.
By the end of high school though I had a girlfriend who, by her own admission before ‘knowing’, admitted she did not like the circumcised member. ‘Unnatural’ was the way she described it. But while we had a great sex life, the power of years of being insecure never really left and as I moved on, the insecurity came with me.
‘Oh, don’t be silly, no one cares’. But if you do, YOU do.
The years going through university/college slowly proved to me that for the most part, girls didn’t care (a few had initial preferences but that never stopped anything). I was not defined by a little piece of otherwise natural skin at the end of my penis, and having one did not prevent having a sex life. I eventually let go of the baggage I’d carried around for so long, and just got on with life.
A few years after graduating though, I eventually decided on getting circumcised. My insecurities were well gone by then but having spent years being physically active in hot climates, as well as having a few foreskin related issues during sex, I decided it would be best for it to go. And if you are wondering: 1. no it was not fun at the time, and 2: no, I did not loose any feeling, quite the contrary (yes, sex was and has remained physically better — for me at least).
I am not going to deny the first time I got naked after the deed was done, the initial hesitation I’d always carried was gone entirely. Off came the clothes and no hesitations from either side. It was, for all intents and purposes, business as usual; and I’d be lying if I said there was not a certain liberation that came from that. But it was such a fleeting moment I realised afterwards how misdirected my concerns had been for all those years.
But at the time they were there and they were real.
It’s easy to dismiss the concerns of others when they seem like simple, trivial matters to you. In my case, others saw having a foreskin a totally normal, natural thing; all men are born with them after all! But to me, where my norm always was that 99% of my peers were circumcised, being the odd one out was an extremely powerful driving force which guided many of the things I did; or more to the point didn’t do. That in turn, I now know for a fact, saw me make decisions that more or less drove the directions I took and made me who I am today.
Stopping and thinking about your response to another’s concerns is something you owe them, regardless of how trivial it may seem to you. One’s personal concerns are often a root of much deeper worries, ones that may be a driving force in their life, rightly or wrong. When it comes to sexuality, any expressed concern should be taken with all the seriousness it demands; on the surface it may seem trivial but to the person in question, it could well be an insurmountable challenge that may be affecting their lives in ways you are not seeing.
I’m a guy, writing about….sex (I know, right?), and the travel’s of life.
