Like most people, I’ve had a string of relationships that ended for all sorts of different reasons.
Sometimes, it was because of hurtful stuff. Like being cheated on — or worse.
What an Abusive Relationship Taught Me About My Sexual Desires
I didn’t know how to separate dominance from violence
Sometimes, I was the one doing the cheating. (I had my reasons, some of which I’m less proud of than others.)
But often, we just kind of lost interest in each other. Once the thrill of a new fling was gone, we discovered that we weren’t as compatible as we hoped we were.
At the time, I never really understood why these relationships fizzled out. A lot of the guys I broke things off with were fine on paper. They were decent-looking. We had some shared interests. We got along fine. The sex didn’t get boring or routine. But still, something was off.
Looking back now, I know exactly what went wrong.
These perfectly fine guys hadn’t messed things up. They just didn’t have the right level of sexual energy.
Sexual Energy Is Not Libido
I had sex on the mind pretty much constantly. Still do. But a lot of the guys I dated or hooked up with didn’t think about it all that much.
They’d fuck me at the drop of a hat. They’d never refuse a handjob if I decided to slip my fingers down the waistband of their boxers. And one quick flash is usually all it took to get them hard and ready to go.
But they just didn’t think about it all that much. They could go more than ten minutes without a perverted thought entering their mind. They didn’t try to imagine what everyone they met liked to do under the sheets. When they got bored, they didn’t daydream about new places to fuck.
Instead, they thought about their cars, their electric guitars, or whatever it is guys think about.
We were all young with raging libidos, but it still felt like we were on different sexual wavelengths.
And it felt kind of lonely being on my filthy one all by myself.
Later in life, I started dealing with some pretty severe hormonal issues. I experienced too many symptoms to list, but one that was really noticeable was a huge drop in my libido. I lost the desire to have sex, and I would go months without getting frisky, even though I was in a long-term relationship.
My hormonal imbalances practically killed my sex drive. But they couldn’t kill my sexual energy.
Sex was always on my mind, no matter how low my libido. It was one of my favorite things to think about, read about, and talk about — even if I wasn’t in the mood to actually do anything naughty.
You Can Adapt to Your Partner’s Preferences
Finding someone with your sexual energy is also not the same thing as finding someone who shares your sexual preferences. That’s because those preferences are adaptable. We all have our limits — the stuff we will never, ever try and the stuff we will never enjoy no matter how hard we try — but within those limits, there’s a lot of flexibility.
My husband and I are more or less on the same page when it comes to what we like doing in bed. But we only got to this point by making a few adjustments.
I like to be spanked and I like to be with someone who talks dirty to me.
But my husband wasn’t a naturally dominant guy. He liked grabbing my ass, but didn’t have much of an urge to slap it. And while he wasn’t always quiet during sex, most of what he said was practical and G-rated.
When I told him what I liked, he tried incorporating them in our play. He gave my ass a few tentative slaps at first, but when he heard how deeply I moaned when his palm smacked against me, he started getting into it.
With the dirty talk, he moved into PG territory. And when he saw how much it turned me on, he eagerly made the jump into more X-rated stuff.
I adapted to his preferences, too. I married what you would call an ass man. If he could only pick one part of my body to give his attention to, it would definitely be my backside. It didn’t surprise me, then, to discover he’s as fond of anal sex as I am.
But one thing that did surprise me was when he decided to eat my ass.
It was shocking at first because it’s not really something I had even considered trying. A lot of the guys I’d fucked were primarily interested in where they could stick their dicks, so it never came up. There was no mainstream conversation about it yet, and even the porn I had seen hadn’t prepared me for it (these were pre-Pornhub days, so everything was still pretty vanilla).
My initial surprise turned into a kind of detached curiosity — I was willing to give it a try, but I didn’t have any strong erotic feelings about it. And with a bit of time, I learned to enjoy it. In part because of how much Mr. Austin loves it, but also because normalizing it helped me realize I could just push my ass up and enjoy his tongue.
Your Sexual Energy Is Set
We changed our sexual preferences in response to each other’s desires. We each learned to see something as erotic because the other did.
And our libido fluctuated over the years. Well, to be precise, mine has. I’m starting to think my husband will stay permanently hard well into his senior years.
But our sexual energy has always stayed the same.
And I’m convinced it’s not something we could change about each other if we tried. It’s just a core part of our personalities. And I have a strong hunch it’s the same for everyone. Once you’re an adult — hell, probably by the time you hit your mid-teens — you’ve cemented your sexual energy.
That’s why it’s so important to find someone whose sexual energy matches yours. Someone whose outlook on life is just as clean or dirty as yours is.
It might sound like a small thing, but it really isn’t.
Someone who doesn’t think about sex all that much won’t be comfortable partnering up with someone so dirty they feel the need to take a shower after hearing too many of their “that’s what she said” jokes.
Likewise, if your mind is permanently in the gutter the way mine is, you won’t want to spend all your time with someone whose mind refuses to even step off the sidewalk.
Find Your Match
If your sexual energy is on the clean side, look for a partner who’s the same.
If you have the urge to nudge the person next to you every time someone says “that was really hard,” look for someone who will nudge back.
I’m not going to rule out the possibility of changing your sexual energy over time, but it would be no easy feat. It’s much better to pair up with someone who’s on the same wavelength as you. After all, making a relationship work can be hard sometimes, so why make it even harder?
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