How Catching My Man Watching Gay Porn Increased Our Level of Intimacy
Safe, non-judgmental communication is the best way to spice up your sex life.
My coffee mug almost fell out of my hand and shattered on the floor. When I rounded the corner into the living room, my partner was on the couch masturbating. He was so into it he didn’t even notice me standing there. Silently — heart pounding — I watched him stroke his cock with one hand while he held his phone in the other, presumably watching porn.
“Hmm. What is he looking at? Do I even care what he’s looking at? This is so…hot.”
At least a minute passed. He still had no idea I was standing there. His lack of awareness made the whole thing feel voyeuristic and, yeah, even hotter. Stealthily, I leaned over the back of the couch to get a better look at what was on his phone. No matter how I craned my neck, I couldn’t get a good look at the screen from where I stood.
Finally, my guilt and curiosity got the better of me. I spoke, trying to sound seductive.
“Whatcha lookin’ at?” I blurted out. “Can I see it? Please?”
Unfortunately, his reaction was akin to someone who had just watched a jump scare from a horror movie instead of a steamy porn scene.
“Uhh, yeah, sure…” he said nervously. His cheeks flushed. Then he started to lose his boner. I tried to be as calm and reassuring as possible. I was trying to join him — not bust him like I was the masturbation police.
What he showed me wasn’t something I was expecting at all.
He turned his phone to face me, and I finally saw what he’d been watching so intently. It was men — all men.
We had discussed his bi-curiosity by this point in our 7-year relationship, so that part wasn’t a total shock.
When he first told me about his occasional sexual feelings for other men, I didn’t think it was a big deal. I’m bisexual myself, after all. I also watch porn with or without him. Therefore, I couldn’t claim to have a problem with any part of this situation.
My partner and I have a fantastic sex life. He lusts after me, constantly making me feel sexy and desired. As comfortable and as horny as we usually are together, it’s rare that I feel insecure about what goes on in our bedroom.
Until now, though, I’d never seen any signs he was regularly seeking an outlet for his desires for sex with men. I realized I was starting to feel a little jealous — maybe even threatened.
At first, my mind raced.
“Is he gay?”
“Is this a weird turning point in our relationship where we’re about to break up?”
“Does he have a hard time cumming sometimes because he wants to be with a man instead of me?”
“Does he love me?”
I paused. My poker face is non-existent. Before reacting, I decided to remain as neutral — and curious — as possible.
“There are multiple ways you can handle this,” I thought. “You can get insecure and start an argument. Or you can be open-minded and remember this is a person you love and trust deeply after years of working toward more loving, respectful communication.”
I had internalized some pretty homophobic thoughts on male sexuality.
My partner knows I am queer, bisexual, probably polyamorous, and that I’d fuck just about anyone with whom I had an emotional connection. I’m horny, apparently wired for pleasure, and I also find most people physically attractive. He never gets jealous or angry. He never feels threatened — or at least he doesn’t show it. But he does tease me a lot about it in a funny (and, yeah, quite sexy) way.
So why was I so bent out of shape? He knows me and trusts me deeply. We love each other. If I’m allowed to be myself with him, why shouldn’t he be allowed to be himself with me?
My concern may have shown on my face. What he said next changed the whole situation.
“Honestly, I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation from yesterday — the one about you fucking my ass.”
I unclenched my jaw and sighed in relief.
Enjoyment of specific sex acts isn’t indicative of sexual orientation.
Situations like these are perhaps the reason why so many straight men hesitate to try anal play of any kind — even pegging or prostate stimulation with fingers and toys.
This hesitation comes from our homophobic society’s tendency to ascribe a sexual orientation to anal sex.
One study refers to this phenomenon as “homohysteria” — or social stigma surrounding “men’s anal eroticism.” Thankfully, the research shows negative cultural attitudes and rigid identity policing seem to be on the decline.
From ‘Relaxing the straight male anus: Decreasing homohysteria around anal eroticism:
For men’s anal eroticism, this means that only gay, emasculated or gender deviant men are thought to enjoy anal pleasure. We suggest, however, that decreasing homohysteria has begun to erode this cultural ‘ban’ on anal stimulation for straight men. Our data finds self-identified straight university-aged men questioning cultural narratives that conflate anal receptivity with homosexuality and emasculation. We also show that 24 percent of our respondents have, at least once, received anal pleasure. These results suggest that cultural taboos around men’s anal pleasure may be shifting for younger men and the boundaries of straight identity expanding.
It’s disheartening that so many men feel they must repress their sexual curiosities in fear of judgment — whether from other men or potential partners. And the fact that my socialization had me playing right into it made me feel even worse.
And what if a straight-passing man likes prostate stimulation and also happens to be bisexual? Sadly, he commonly receives even more judgment coupled with biphobia or anti-bisexual prejudice. One study of cultural attitudes toward bisexuals shows that bias affects bisexual men at a significantly higher rate than bisexual women.
Men’s sexual exploration that deviates from what they’ve internalized as “normal” is generally tricky for men, especially bisexual men. After all, look at the conclusions that I immediately jumped to with my partner. Everyone, including men, deserves to feel safe exploring their sexual fantasies in an environment free from judgment.
Pegging ramped up our already spicy sex life.
For those who don’t know, pegging generally refers to the act of a cis woman penetrating a cis man’s anus with a strap-on dildo.
Shortly after my partner expressed interest in getting pegged and femdom, I went to the sex toy store alone on a whim. I was eager to buy the perfect strap-on to peg him with that night when I got home from work. We’d been talking about buying one for weeks, but he had no idea I was planning to surprise him that day. What can I say? I’m a romantic.
It turned out to be a surprise for both of us. We took it slow and used lots of lube since, so far, only a finger had ever been inside of him. Still, he came almost as soon as I slid the toy inside. Perhaps his excitement combined with hearing my first attempts at dominant dirty talk drove him over the edge!
Truthfully, I had only really tried pegging because I wanted to help my lover fulfill his fantasy. I’d always been skeeved out by anal play — giving or receiving — so I’d never sought it out on my own. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that it turned me on just as much.
As someone who has always been on the submissive side, my enjoyment of reversing my usual role with my partner made me realize I might be a “switch.” It’s opened up a sexual side of me that I didn’t know existed and that I, quite frankly, adore. It’s a side of myself that seems effortlessly confident and powerful.
This newfound sexual confidence would never have been possible if we hadn’t had clear, honest conversations about our sexual fantasies where we both felt safe and free from judgment. Safe, non-judgmental communication is the best way to spice up your sex life. It builds intimacy and offers a chance for exploration, excitement, and greater pleasure for all involved.
My favorite thing about pegging is that I enjoy watching my partner lose himself in pleasure.
It’s not something I always get a chance to see from him — probably because, when we fuck, I’m too busy with my eyes rolled back in my head. He always gets to watch me lose control of myself somewhat during my orgasms.
But I’m easy to please. So easy, in fact, that, according to this comprehensive Finnish study on orgasms in those with vulvas, I’m part of the 10 percent who can have multiple orgasms from penetration alone. The same research shows that half of all women aren’t able to orgasm the majority of the time during partnered sex. Meanwhile, I have multiple orgasms every time I engage in sexual activity — partnered or solo. I can’t give my partner full credit my partner for this, either. I’ve always been this way.
Maybe it’s because I started masturbating young. The study mentioned earlier shows a correlation between a vulva owner’s capacity for multiple orgasms and the age of their first masturbatory orgasm. On top of it all, I’m a squirter (aka: female ejaculation). I’m not trying to brag. I know that the orgasm gap is a big problem and that I’m lucky.
I always find myself jealous at the sense of pride and satisfaction my partner must feel at reducing me to a quivering mess lying in a puddle of my own juices after waves of seemingly unending bliss.
Stimulating my partner’s prostate is the closest I can get to feeling that sort of power.
He can’t control the sounds coming from his mouth — so sometimes he likes it when I cover it for him. The moans and facial expressions he makes are somehow even sexier than those he makes while I’m going down on him — which I didn’t even think was possible.
Although it was fun and exciting at first, we forgot about pegging for a while when we accidentally discovered how easily I could squirt. I don’t peg him as often anymore — clearly not often enough for his satisfaction.
When he talked about his craving for getting his ass fucked, I started to feel guilty that I was having multiple squirting orgasms regularly while he was left less than satisfied. I worried maybe I wasn’t as receptive to his needs as I thought.
I immediately thought back to a few moments beforehand when I first started watching him while he was masturbating, unaware of my presence. Then I briefly remembered his cries of unbridled pleasure the first time I pegged him.
Suddenly I was very flattered and very turned on all over again. My insecurities flew out the window as his boner returned. I kissed him, gulped down the last of my coffee. We raced each other to the bedroom to find our favorite strap-on.
Ultimately, what turned this situation into something positive for both of us was our communication and maturity level in our sex life. A foundation of good communication and mutual respect enhanced our ability to feel safe enough to be our whole sexual selves and to explore new sides of ourselves and each other. My ability to stop and question my own internalized biases was a huge help too. I’m so grateful we were able to turn a potentially uncomfortable situation into sexy, spontaneous fun.
