How Do Single Moms Stay Sexually Satisfied?
If they barely have time to date?
When I left my daughter’s father, I had no libido. I can blame it on nursing and sleep deprivation and not having my body back and co-sleeping. Take away the blame and you have one thing: no libido.
My libido made a reappearance.
It took a year for it to come back. There was another man by then. A much older man. Like twice my age. He was handsome — like Henry Fonda meets Bruce Willis kind of handsome. His athletic build made me wet. His crystal blue eyes made my nipples hard.
My daughter was spending a few nights a week with her dad and stepmom by this point, so I had time to date. One night, he invited me over to his house for a homecooked meal. When I stood in his kitchen chatting with him as he stirred the curry, he offered me a glass of red wine. One sip and my libido went zing!
He walked up behind me as I sipped slowly, wrapping his strong arms around my waist, gently kissing my neck and slowly sucking my earlobe. Goosebumps crept across my flesh with a smile.
At the end of dinner, we went to the bedroom. He started to undress me. I was wet. Very wet. My whole being was on fire. So this is what my libido feels like. Hallelujah! I knew it wasn’t gone forever! I felt fully alive for the first time since my separation.
As his strong hands slid down my thighs, I let my hands find their way down his. With a quick reflex, he gently guided my hands away.
“Not yet. I’m having a hard time getting hard.”
Halfway into the foreplay he just stopped, sat up in the bed and said, “I think I’m having performance anxiety.” This is when the age difference was real.
A week later he invited me over to “try again,” telling me he ordered some form of generic viagra off the internet. (Sketchy perhaps?). Was this what dating as a single mom looked like?
My libido is second to my daughter.
When I left my child’s father, I was putting her first. He had some emotional issues that were kind of a dealbreaker. It wasn’t like I was walking away from a good sex life.
I wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared for the time constraints single parenting puts on a human. When my daughter is with her father I work more so that I can spend more time with her when she’s with me. I won’t sacrifice my time with her, so I refuse to get a sitter. The only time I have to date are the few days a week she’s with her dad, and frankly, I’m too wiped out from work to want to date at all at this juncture. My work is my passion. My daughter is the love of my life.
So what about my libido, you may ask?
My libido comes third.
Yep. Daughter first. Work second. Libido third. In that order. Always.
I’m not going to lie, sexual satisfaction isn’t a straight and narrow path in single parenthood. But then again, does anyone take a straight and narrow path — ever?
I go through periods of masturbating. A lot. I much prefer my own fingers to a vibrator — I can’t stand the noise. My fingers feel so much more intimate. More human. Sexier.
I’ve gone through phases of binge-watching shows about sex. Reading about sex. Dreaming about it. And sometimes doing it.
I’m not into one night stands. I like relationships. But the right one hasn’t found me yet. Not many dudes want to see me once every two weeks. For most men I’ve dated, that’s just not enough “time” (which is the code word for sex).
What keeps me sexually satisfied when my fingers are burned out and my man has bailed is my writing. I can write about sex all day. Conjuring up memories of past flames feeds my sexual juices with a passion fire that is steamier than a good orgasm — and longer-lasting.
My writing can feed my libido for days. It satisfies me so much I don’t need to come physically.
The emotional release it creates continues to pulse through my body and mind in words and images and sensations. A good orgasm might send me zinging through the first part of the morning, but writing a satisfying piece might keep me on a sensual high all day.
It’s about shifting your perception of sexual satisfaction.
My perception of sexual satisfaction has made a huge 180. Knowing my kid and work come first, I’ve had to tweak how and where I become sexually satisfied.
I don’t need a sexy man’s hands or lips on my clit to get off anymore. Nor do I need to depend on a morning masturbation habit to make me feel like a sexual goddess zinging through her day. Instead, I’ve been forced — handcuffs and all (I like a little S&M now and again, how about you?) to get creative about sex.
Creativity has made me redefine what sex means to me.
Writing to you about my libido turns me on. A heck of a lot. I know I’m not the only single mama forced to be creative. It feels good not to be alone. It feels even better to share my creativity (aka orgasms) with others — because I truly prefer sharing.
Every time I come, I send those good vibrations out into the world. I want to keep coming. For you as much as for me.
