8 Awkward Steps in My Masturbation Education
Repressed parents, lousy porn, and horny friends led to an exceptionally awkward sexual awakening.
When I was in kindergarten, I used to lay in bed butt-naked, spread-eagle, and imagine girls from my class, falling on top of me through the ceiling. Then, we would hug each other very tightly and roll around. At this point, I’d never seen people have sex, nor had I seen porn. I just instinctually wanted a warm body against mine, never suspecting for a minute that this spout between my legs needed to be in any way involved. This weird habit aside, my interests were more in building forts, putting ketchup on chicken, and refusing to take off my blue power ranger outfit. Then, one dark night, everything changed.
Step 1: Just wrap your fingers around it and go up and down.
Sleepovers were the in-thing in the 90s. Without group texting, if I wanted to interact with my friends, this meant seeing them. I was seven or eight, and my best friend was named Joey. He was cooler than me. This isn’t saying much about Joey, though, since I was still refusing to take off my power ranger costume. It was the middle of the night, and I was almost asleep, tucked innocently beneath a blanket on one couch. At the same time, Joey lay…
