How to Expand Your Sexual Repertoire
And have better sex
If you’re in a long-term relationship (LTR) and maybe struggling with the changes of desire that naturally occur in a longer relationship, then this article might have some nuggets for you. However, if you’re engaged in a fairly new relationship, and/or experiencing new relationship energy (NRE) from an outside source, this probably won’t be of interest to you right now.
It is inevitable that things become more familiar and comfortable (therefore somewhat boring) over the lifetime of an LTR. To keep your sex life alive and well, you may want to take advice from the long-time sex advice podcaster/writer Dan Savage who says, “the broader your definition of sex, the more sex you will be having.”
What is sex?
When asking for a definition of sex, people often respond with penetration or intercourse. For heterosexual couples, this is PIV (penis in vagina) and for gay men, this would be anal penetration of PIA (penis in ass/anus). This leaves the lesbian and other entire groups of people out because their sex lives do not necessarily include intercourse.
To clarify, I like to ask the question “what would you consider cheating if you walked in on your partner with another person?” Would kissing be sex? Flirting? Touch? Heavy petting with clothing on? Oral sex (come on, it’s right there in the name)? Anything with an orgasm?
Sex becomes more complicated and we usually give it a much broader definition when we think of cheating. When in LTRs, we should consider this broad definition when it comes to having sex with our partners.
There’s so much more to sex than PIV (penis-in-vagina)
The most sexually satisfying relationships broaden their approach to sex and involve much more than genitals. After all, the brain is the biggest, most important erotic zone.
We could all be engaging in more varied kinds of sexual expression for more a fun, pleasurable and fulfilling sex life. Varied sex makes us feel more connected. It also comes in handy for the inevitable times of sexual pain or dysfunction — erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, menopause (vaginal dryness), dyspareunia and other types of pain related to intercourse. Most people will experience at least one of these sexual issues at some point in their lives.
For all my heterosexual/ heteronormative-inclined friends out there, we can surely learn a lot from our queer communities about sex. There’s so much more that we can be doing that feels great, connects us and may help us feel more vulnerable and bonded than intercourse. After all, what makes sex good? At least in part, it’s variety, novelty, and playfulness. This list is by no means exhaustive, however it is meant to be a jumping off point for you to start a conversation with your partner(s)…
Touch
Find, explore and discover different types of touch. With fingers, hands, palms, feet, lips, chin…be creative. Use your tongue, hands, fingertips. You may want to explore using massage oils, candle wax, ice or heat. Explore a variety of different textures, temperatures.
Start to re-explore your partner and learn how they want to be touched in the moment. It might be different tomorrow and certainly could be different than 10+ years ago. Have fun and explore as if you’re just meeting and becoming intimate for the first time all over again.
Mutual and/or assisted-masturbation
Self-sex can be shared. This can be more erotic than you might think to share your own personal style for masturbation with your partner. It can be useful, informative, fulfilling, pleasurable…and, of course, new. And, you can do it together, at the same time.
If self-pleasure together isn’t your jam, then you might consider offering or asking for an assist. When you’re pleasuring yourself, your partner can caress and kiss you in a full embrace from behind. You can be involved without participating in the actual masturbation itself. Think about the things you might find pleasurable to ask for from your partner. Would you enjoy nipple, anal-finger, or scrotum play during a self-pleasure session? Do you want to add a toy?
Deep Kiss
Studies show that deep, passionate kissing for at least 6 seconds (in a row) once per day can help partners feels bonded. This kind of kissing (rather than a peck) can also lead to something deeper once you get going. If you’re willing, the arousal effect can lead to desire for more. Try it sometime.
Slow Down.
Moving slower than usual. You probably already know what works for you and your partner within an LTR, so move more slowly and try something different just to explore and discover.
Dry Sex
Also known as dry humping…think back to high school and/or college days. Sex with your clothes on happened a lot, only we didn’t call it sex. But, wasn’t it really? It was erotic and passionate. You were filled with desire. Sometimes you’d climax from this alone.
Go back and revisit this with your partner now. It’s like revisiting your youth, but with the wisdom you have now. Or, try hopping in the backseat of your car just to switch things up.
Outercourse
This is when using lube with various body parts. This method is about using a good silicone-based personal lubricant and sliding the penis between the butt cheeks, inner thighs, breasts, armpit, or labia/vulva (outer vagina basically — though this can be too close for comfort for some women). Basically, if there’s a space between it, you can try it.
Use Toys
Either take out a toy you haven’t used in a while, or go online and find something new together. Why not? This is the time to experiment and explore. Try a vibrator for the first time, or a different kind of vibrator (for all). Jade Eggs or Ben Wa Ball (for women). A masturbation sleeve or cockring (for men).
Read Erotica (out loud)
This one is mainly for women, I suppose, since we are their target audience. However, share some parts you enjoy out loud with your partner(s) as you’re reading. This can help you discover more of what you like most through fantasy and help you both (all) explore together.
Explore pleasure
What gives you bodily, physical pleasure? Do you enjoy a bath? You may want to do this with your partner. Do you take pleasure in exercise, dance? Could you bring your partner along for this too? These types of pleasurable experiences may lead to erotic exploration or desire as well.
Remember, sexual desire begins with pleasure.
Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist and sex therapist specializing in sexual wellness and intimacy in private practice in Princeton, NJ. She is offering a 5-week online Women’s Sexual Wellness group in August and October 2022. This group is a supportive and educational group for women who want to take charge of their sexual energy, build confidence, increase mindfulness, and explore pleasure.
