How to Initiate Sex
Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. coined the phrase “Pleasure is the Measure” when it comes to sex.
As a sex therapist, I agree with sex researcher, educator, and author of the book, Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. when she says:
“Pleasure is the measure” when it comes to sex.
Initiating sex is too often approached in a straightforward way, such as saying something like, “hey, you maybe want to *wink*wink*?” For some people, this is a time-tested and fully approved approach. For others, this way just doesn’t work, or no longer works when it once did. Why might it change over time?
Desire: how it works
The tried and true “hey, you wanna?” method may have work early on in a relationship because of spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is when you see your partner and get horny. You’re just naturally interested in sex or thinking about it frequently without any kind of touch, pleasure, or much of anything. *BOOM* you just want to jump your partner’s bones.
Spontaneous desire morphs into something else for about 80% of people in long-term relationships. Spontaneous eventually becomes a responsive desire. Responsive desire is when you aren’t thinking about sex as much and no longer get horny spontaneously. You aren’t really interested in sex…until your partners starts kissing your neck or giving you a shoulder rub. Then you start to experience a sense of pleasure. This pleasure may then lead to some sexy-type thoughts and eventually, *BOOM* you want to jump your partner’s bones.
The main shift is arousal. In spontaneous desire, you have desire most of the time and then become easily aroused — it’s desire, then arousal. In responsive desire, it reverses. You don’t really have much desire, and you have to get aroused first in order to have some desire — it’s arousal/pleasure first, then desire follows.
Thus, “Pleasure is the measure,” as Emily Nagoski says
Find ways to initiate pleasure without initiating sex per se. Give space for anyone involved to either become interested and aroused through this pleasure or opt out. Just because you give someone a massage, doesn’t automatically give you the right to intercourse afterward. However, if the person receiving this massage receives pleasure, which leads to some erotic playfulness/tension, and ultimately gets them to a place of arousal, then you might find yourself getting lucky.
Talk more about sex
The subject of initiating sex requires a conversation, or two — or twenty — with your partner(s). Please discuss your partner’s turn-ons and share your own turn-ons. Share what works well for each of you to begin having some sexy time together. You may find it helpful to share what kinds of things don’t work well for you too.
These discussions may need to be repeated during various phases over a long-term relationship, not just in the beginning. As we discussed, desire changes over time. Sexual needs, wants, desires, and all kinds of things related to sex change over time as well. Sex changes with time, age, health, childcare, parent care, etc., and the conversations need to continue. You’ll be having multiple conversations over the lifetime of a relationship.
Tip #1: Be kind. Sex is a vulnerable and sensitive topic for most of us, especially since most people didn’t get any type of role modeling for how to do it. Most people I’ve talked to didn’t even get the sex talk from their parents growing up. Sex is such a taboo subject, which makes it hard to talk about and awkward. Acknowledge all of this and push through it, together.
Tip #2: With this in mind, use “I” statements (“you” statements make us all rather defensive), such as “I’m feeling disconnected when it comes to sex and I’d like to talk about steps we can take toward feeling more connected through sex, together.”
Tip #3: Compliment or appreciation sandwich. Tell your partner one way in which you appreciate them when it comes to your sex lives. Then, use the “I” statement about the problem or issue you are experiencing. End with another appreciation or compliment about your partner or relationship in general or about sex (both pieces of break don’t have to be about sexy time).
Tip#4: Do NOT wait for the perfect or right time to talk about sex. There is no right time. Actually, I prefer to think that NOW is the right time…just bring it up. When we wait, resentment builds up over time and then things might be revealed in anger or frustration instead of in a calm and kind way. Of course, it might very well be a challenging conversation, but just bringing it up helps relieve the tension. Remember, you don’t need all the answers before you start the discussion. Putting two or more brains together, instead of only one, is the whole point. You can do this together.
Tip #5: Go for a walk/talk to discuss this topic. It’s easier to talk about difficult topic side by side, rather than face to face. It might be challenging to find enough privacy while walking, but it can be a helpful way to engage in challenging conversations.
Tip #6: Be specific. Many partners share that they want more romance, for example. However, this usually isn’t all that helpful. Break this down and make it more concrete for your partner. What does romance mean to you specifically? Candles? Flowers? Touching in a certain way? What are a few specific romantic gestures that they could do regularly for you in order to suggest that they’re interested in having sex? Give them very specific suggestions and ideas.
Tip #7: Remember to give the benefit of the doubt. It helps to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Most people do what works well for them in order to initiate sex. Meaning, if you like it when your partner starts kissing you passionately, then you’re most likely to initiate sex by kissing your partner passionately. If you haven’t had an explicit discussion however, you likely do not yet know the best way to initiate sex for your partner.
If you haven’t already done so, you can learn all about love languages through this short, fun quiz. I always say that the point of learning about love languages is to know your partner’s language, not so much your own. This is the same when it comes to initiating sexy time. It’s not as important what you find sexy. It’s most important what your partner finds sexy in order to initiate some sexy time with them. What gives them pleasure?
Broaden your definition of sex
As we already addressed, there are multiple phases over the lifetime of a relationship. Intercourse or penis in vagina (PIV) sex isn’t always going to be possible. You can still have an outstanding sex life, if you broaden your definition of what sex is in your relationship. As Dan Savage says,
The broader your definition of sex, the more sex you’ll be having.
Usually, no amount of pleasure will remove the element of pain, but you can engage in a lot of other sex-related acts, such as heavy petting, kissing, finger play, oral sex, mutual masturbation, assisted masturbation, using toys, and things I don’t have the terms for (though I’m sure there are terms) like the penis going between the butt cheeks, inner thighs, labia (not in the vagina itself), armpit or breasts.
There are so many more ways to have sex if you get creative and playfully exploratory. Think outside the box (or bedroom). Focus on the pleasure aspect, and you’ll get there.
Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist and sex therapist specializing in sexual wellness and intimacy in private practice in Princeton, NJ. She is offering a 5-week online Women’s Sexual Wellness group in August and October 2022. This group is a supportive and educational group for women who want to take charge of their sexual energy, build confidence, increase mindfulness, and explore pleasure.
