I’ve done many things in the name of sexual experimentation; drank pineapple juice to change the taste of my lady juices, worn a vibrator in public, jerked a boyfriend off with a silicone shaped egg, and attempted to install a sex swing in my house. But nothing has come close to sheer weirdness of what I was about to attempt; the grapefruit blow job.
The grapefruit blowjob is the brainchild of Auntie Angel, a sexpert who claims her blowjob technique (otherwise known as “grapefruiting”) is so mind-blowing it can cause death. Now even though J pisses me off sometimes, I definitely do not want to kill him. However I did want to expand my BJ repertoire. In her YouTube tutorial, Auntie Angel shows us how to cut a grapefruit to make it fellatio ready, (cut the ends off and make a hole in the middle for the penis). Just when you start to think ‘Where is she going with this?’ things take a sharp turn into WTF territory when she starts fellating a large dildo making the same noise as a garbage disposal sucking down a milkshake.
Frightening sounds aside, I was intrigued. The idea behind this bizarre trick is that the guy in question will feel like he’s having sex and receiving a blowjob. Fair enough, I reasoned. What man wouldn’t like to experience that?
Of course food and sex have a long history together. Whipped cream, chocolate body paint, and honey have all been used in many a sexy romp. But that’s because they were sweet, fluid, and encouraged licking. Grapefruit? Not so much. I worried that acidic juice would give J a burning sensation that would cause him to ban me from his penis for the foreseeable future. Or what if the juice squirted and I got in my eye causing temporary blindness? Then there was the mess to think about. A sopping grapefruit with juice running everywhere didn’t sound terribly appealing. But I had to finish what I started, physical assault be damned. So I decided J would have to stand on the kitchen floor for easy cleanup.
There’s only one rule to this grapefruit game; you have to blindfold the man the first time. Auntie reasons that no man is going to be OK seeing a grapefruit around his dick so you had to “trick” him. Fortunately J is always up for anything even remotely kinky so when I suggested a blindfold he didn’t put up a fight.
After handing him my lavender-scented eye mask as a blindfold, I had him stay still while I snuck out the grapefruit I had been hiding. Once he was at full mast, I carefully attempted to slip the grapefruit over his dong when he exclaimed “What the fuck is that?!”
“A new sex toy?” I offered lamely.
“It’s fucking wet!” he yelled, tearing off his eye mask. “Is that fruit?” he asked quizzically looking down at his fruit-enshrined penis.
“It’s a grapefruit!” I said cheerily, as to not alarm him. “This is going to be awesome. Just relax.”
“Fine,” he said. “Let’s do this.”
I purposefully refrained from mimicking the scary industrial vacuum noise Auntie uses and stuck to my regular skills moving the grapefruit up and down his shaft. Unfortunately, I felt J losing his boner. I looked up to see J looking down at me.
He started laughing. “I’m sorry this is just too weird! I’m can’t get in the mood.”
“Stop thinking about the damn grapefruit! And keep your eyes closed!” I snapped. I was a little pissed that Auntie Angel suggested the blindfold. I’m pretty sure if I just told J about it he would have been fine with it. Instead we had to deal with an unplanned interruption, an ensuing explanation and him trying to get the silliness of my covert operation out of his head. To get him back in the mood, I engaged in some dirty talk which seemingly did the trick.
“That was amazing!” J exclaimed. “After I stopped thinking about the grapefruit anyway. It kinda did feel like a vagina.”
Well there’s nothing like the sweet — or tart in this case — smell of success. Nonetheless, I’ll be sticking to non-citrus items from now on.