Sexography
Published in

Sexography

I am A Group Sex Aficionado. Here’s How I Deal with Awkwardness.

What comes after the sex?

Image: FotoAndalucia

I am a huge fan of group sex.

I have been ever since the day I lost my virginity to my best friend’s girlfriend in an unexpected threesome on a waterbed with a broken heater. It wasn’t the best of all sexual experiences, to be perfectly frank; sex on a full-motion waterbed, like sex on a beach, isn’t nearly all it’s cracked up to be, and unheated waterbeds get unpleasantly chilly.

But it was a ton of fun despite the logistical and thermal-management difficulties, and it opened my eyes to the many wonders of group sex.

I get questions about group sex. So many questions. Questions in emails, questions on my blog, questions at events and conferences. Judging by the questions, a lot of folks out there are keenly interested in group sex, and looking for ways to turn that interest into real-world bedroom (or kitchen or dining room) fun.

“Where can we find a partner for group sex?”

Answer: there is no ‘where,’ no Valley of the Dolls, no caves of ice beneath the pleasure dome, where people congregate searching for couples to play with. There is a ‘how:’ Be engaging, be polite, be open, be people other people find interesting and delightful, and the ‘where’ becomes everywhere. Kink events and conferences, sure, but also book stores and McDonald’s—seriously, no joke, I’ve met lovers at fast-food places.

“If we have a threesome, does everyone have to have sex with everyone else?”

Answer: No. In fact, in my experience it’s fairly rare; more threesomes involve two people paying attention to one. And don’t assume everyone will be available to you just because you’re the opposite sex! I’ve had a FFM threesome with my girlfriend and her lesbian lover; we both paid attention to my girlfriend; I did not have sex with the other woman.

But one of the most common questions I hear, perhaps unexpectedly, is “If I have a threesome, what do I do if things are awkward the next day?” That bit gets less attention than it should—in fact, I almost never see it addressed at all, despite the fact it’s in the Top 5 of most common questions I hear about threesomes.

So let’s talk about it.

Why awkwardness?

There’s an old saying: Even good sex only lasts eight or nine hours, and then you gotta have a conversation.

Imagine for a moment that you’ve just gone out to see a movie with a friend. Not a romantic partner, not even a friend you fancy, just a friend. You have popcorn, watch superheroes beat up space aliens or whatever, and then head home, having done your part to consume mass media.

You’re probably not going to feel awkward talking to your friend the next day, right?

So why do we feel awkward after sex, or when we’re in the same room with a crush, or thinking about someone we’d like to shag? Where does that even come from?

Awkwardness, in my experience and observation, comes from the conflict between feeling like there’s something you really want to say, or perhaps should say, and being unable to say it—perhaps because you’re afraid talking about it is taboo, or because you’re risking something by saying it.

That’s why awkwardness frequently surrounds sex when it doesn’t surround other things we do together, like going to the media. Many of us grow up being taught (directly or indirectly) that sex is shameful. We think about sex, we fantasize about sex, we have sex, we reflect on the sex we’re having…but we don’t talk about sex.

And if the sex we’re having is transgressive, like group sex? Hoo, boy. That makes it even harder to talk about…which creates problems, because the more unconventional the sex, the farther it strays from people’s default assumption about what “sex” looks like, the more important it is to make sure everyone’s on the same page!

Addressing awkwardness

Given that awkwardness is usually a sense there’s something you ought to be or want to be talking about that you aren’t talking about, the solution to awkwardness is pretty simple: Talk about the thing.

Simple, but not easy.

I won’t pretend to have all the answers. I’ve let awkwardness tie my tongue to the point I’ve botched countless opportunities myself. Back in my university days, I had a crazy crush on one of my friends: tall, athletic, long golden hair…

I was in her dorm room one day when she said “Hey Franklin, I’m going to take a shower. Wanna join me?” I wanted, of course, to say “Oh hell yes.” What I actually said was “um, I, err, uh…” and the moment was lost. We never did become lovers.

Ironic, sometimes, how the fear of losing something and the feeling there are things you don’t talk about directly conspire to make you lose opportunities.

So what do you do?

The first step is unpacking your reluctance to talk about sex, and let me tell you, it’s a doozy. This is deeply ingrained, even for those of us who didn’t grow up in conservative households.

And I don’t mean talking about sex in crass, “boy, lookit them knockers!” ways. I mean talking seriously about sex, what you like, what you don’t, what interests you…and, as part of that, learning to listen to others without fear and shame.

I’d like to say there’s one weird trick that will magically give results overnight, but there isn’t. This is just a matter of practice.

The next step is learning to talk about what you want and how you feel, and this is the important bit, even when it’s scary.

For the longest time, I struggled to express interest in someone I fancied. I eventually learned that not expressing interest meant I lost more opportunities than expressing interest (isn’t it funny how fear can make you do things that lead to the exact outcome you’re afraid of?).

As corny as this sounds, I developed a script to help. Not in a cheesy, pickup-artist sort of way, but in a “if I know I get flustered and can’t think of what to say, this is what I can say” sort of way.

It goes something like this: “Hi! I like you, and I’d love to get to know you better. You interested in a date this Friday?”

Bait and Switch

You may, Gentle Reader, have noticed that I promised up top to talk about threesomes, yet so far I haven’t. If you’re here looking for salacious advice for hot kinky group sex, well…maybe that’ll be another essay.

But after the hot kinky threesome, as you’re looking around the wreckage of the bed and wondering how a pair of underwear ended up hanging all the way over there…what then?

Same ideas: Awkwardness is what happens when you feel there’s something you ought to say that you’re not saying.

It’s amazing how easily awkwardness can be defused simply by recognizing the situation and talking about it. “Whew! That was fun. I had a blast. Hey, would anyone like some tea?”

Sometimes, if you’re feeling especially awkward, it helps to lean into it. “I’ve never done anything like that before. I had fun, but I’m feeling a little awkward now. So what should we talk about? And would anyone like some tea?”

Totally not kidding about the tea. Tea covers a multitude of socially awkward situations.

If there’s one thing you take away from all this…

Awkwardness really is all about not doing the thing you ought to be doing. Doing the thing is hard, else you wouldn’t feel awkward about it in the first place. I can’t promise it necessarily becomes easy, but practice will certainly make it easier. And you’ll find you’re more likely to get what you want.

--

--

--

Conversations about sex from all around the world

Recommended from Medium

Journey Into Kink

Integrating the Massive Upgrades — Calliandra and The Pleiadians

a very sexy letter

No Guests Allowed

The First Time a Woman Licked My Clit

Femdom Q+A with a Modern Millennial Dominant Woman

The First Time I Was Eaten Out

Tie Me Up: The Art of BDSM

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Franklin Veaux

Franklin Veaux

More from Medium

A “Golden Couple” Are Lovers Whose Passion Inspires You

The Pudgy Belly Revolution

This is The Best Commercial Depicting A Woman Shaving That I’ve Ever Seen

How an Argument Leads to Discussion And Growth