We all know people who complain about “vanilla” sex. It seems so dumb to designate one flavor as the symbol of bad sex though. Because really, there are so many other flavors that are as bad, if not worse, than vanilla.
Chocolate chip sex
This is just vanilla sex but more complicated. Does the leg need to go there? Is this award angle really making a difference? Seriously, don’t speckle the missionary with harder bits that no one enjoys just to say you did. Take your chocolate chip bag of tricks and get out of here.
Listen, strawberry ice cream when it is the real deal? Nothing better. However, because of the cost, most ice creams rely on using chemicals to create the strawberry effect. The result is a shadow of the actual berry you read about. In the end, everyone ends up faking their enjoyment so they don’t break the illusion of how wonderful the out of this world strawberry moves are supposed to be.
Threesomes can be fun. When everyone is super into it and involved, that is. Yet most Neapolitan sex ends with the least enthused person having to quietly watch at the other two sexier flavors enjoy each other.
Raspberry whiskey malt swirl sex
Magazines raved about the positions in this flavor of sex and you thought it would be amazing because of the extra effort it took to get these seemingly impossible levels of bedroom expertise. But in the end it was just fine, no better than the regular stuff you’re used to.
Sticky toffee sex
Sickly sweet ice cream that you wish you could put down after only one bite. But this is the ice cream you chose and you’ll see it through. This is when a lover is far more emotional than you want them to be. Chill, this is just a fling. By the end you’re both messy, as is the state of your relationship since someone got attached EVEN THOUGH THEY PROMISED NOT TO.
This is when you spend the whole night sweetly cuddling but you wish there were more. Sure, it’s nice, but this wasn’t what I shaved for, Daniel.