I’m a Mum and I Have No Sex Drive: Now What?
Can we talk openly for a second?
Although I feel quite awkward sharing my story, I feel it’s time to normalise the topic of the lack of libido that happens to women after having children. It, fortunately, doesn’t happen to everyone, but it is shockingly common.
After bringing home our 2.5 Kg of love, I was feeling ecstatic. The baby was a great sleeper (that changed after week n. 3), and breastfed like a champion, with no crying in between (again, that changed on week n. 3). We were on top of the world, pinching ourselves with the luck we had. My body was also pumping adrenaline like never before, and I was on a constant high, which led me to be super attracted by my handsome husband. The fact that it was too early to even think of going down to business, made everything even more special, and we acted around each other like 2 horny teenagers. Fast-forward a month, the dip in adrenaline, the rise in prolactin, the painful breasts, many sleepless nights and an ever crying baby, I couldn’t even stand the smell of my husband. All of a sudden, his skin stank. I thought I was going mad ( months down the track, I found out he was going through a hormonal shift as well, hence the change in body odours), and I felt repulsed by the idea of being touched.
That went on for a loooooong time, and I believed I was the only one going through a dry spell; sometimes, when catching up with mothers, I would tentatively ask about their mojo, but the conversation was normally cut off after the generic answers “Ok” “Yeah good”, that left me even more preoccupied for what was going on in my life.
As I’m a health nerd at heart, I started doing some digging, which brought me a massive sense of relief.
The reasons behind post-partum lack of libido are biological and psychological.
On a biological level, we can obviously blame the sleep deprivation and the hormonal shift when it comes to plateaued libido; to get more specific about it, we need dopamine to feel motivated, horny, and relaxed. Dopamine (DA) holds a predominant role in the regulation of prolactin (PRL) secretion. Dopamine restrains prolactin production, so the more dopamine there is, the less prolactin is released. Unfortunately, high levels of the hormone prolactin, which normally occurs after giving birth and for a long time if lactating, tend to decrease the body’s level of dopamine, leaving us feeling as if we were just treading water.
On a psychological level, a mother, especially when breastfeeding, is completed devoted to her child and develops a nurturing instinct, which is not super sexy. On top of it, the skin to skin contact with a baby can satisfy a mother’s needs for cuddles and warmth, which can be extremely hard for a left-aside husband.
And if that wasn’t enough, there is always the anxiety around “what if the baby wakes up, what if my husband doesn’t like my new rolls, what if I leak milk while having sex, what if it is painful”? These are some common and extremely valid questions that I get asked a lot, and we will break them down in a second.
Let’s start by taking a breath and accept the fact that it is ok to feel less horny in the postnatal phase, and there are some ways around it.
And now let’s answer some questions:
“What if the baby wakes up” the best time to have sex is when you feel safe and relax. Some people get off by the idea of being caught in the act, but the idea of your child seeing you naked and raw, is not that enticing. Try to find a time of the day where you know your child can’t disturb you or book a night out for the two of you. You can book a hotel or get crazy in the privacy of your car. And if your child wakes up, manages somehow to jump out of the cot and walks to your bedroom…don’t you worry, he /she won’t know what is going on and will forget everything by the next morning.
“What if my husband doesn’t like my new rolls?” I had this conversation with my best half, and he seriously replied: “Love, when you get naked in front of me, the only thing I see is boooooobies!”. He seriously said that; stretchy boobies, sagging boobies, lactating boobies, ginormous boobies. Apparently, men have their preferences, but when it comes down to it, they just like boobies. We also tend to worry so much about our brand-new stretch marks, soft bellies and giggly arms, but the reality is that the world doesn’t even notice. Your body went through an enormous change, and you should idolise it instead of putting it down. And if your partner has something to say about it… you are allowed to use the middle finger!
“What if I leak milk when having sex?” It can happen. And if you get turned on by your baby sucking on your breast, you are not weird, it’s just a physical reaction, and there is no need to lose sleep over it. If the idea of being so vulnerable in front of your partner scares the shit out of you, I highly recommend you to wear a bra, possibly a black one.
“What if I feel pain?” Sister, I get this one more than anyone else. Dyspareunia (pain during intercourse) is a bitch, and I have been there. Start by getting checked by your Gynaecologist, as you want to make sure there is nothing sinister about the pain. Once you know that your medical bill is clean, go back to the basics: choose a relaxing time, don’t stress over it, talk to your partner about what you are experiencing, take control of the situation and use TONS of lubricant (the organic water-based one, as all the others can be detrimental for your skin). I particularly like using coconut oil, although it can get quite messy.
Having said that, some of you don’t even get the chance to get to the “trying” point, as they just don’t feel it.
So, what to do?
Talk openly about it with your partner. You both need to accept this is just a phase you have to power through. There are so many other ways that you can please your partner, and one thing may lead to the next; I’m not even talking about sexual foreplay, I’m simply discussing cuddles, candlelight dinners, unexpected presents, and tons of smiles.
Get your blood tested. You will find that a high level of the hormone prolactin not only suppresses dopamine, but also estrogen and progesterone, which are the hormones linked to your menstrual cycle. This is why breastfeeding is also used as a contraceptive (very unreliable).
When the hormones are balanced, and you have a menstrual cycle, you will possibly feel very energetic, happy and active right before ovulation (estrogen surge), then very horny for few days ( ovulatory phase), and then quite lazy and introverted (luteal phase) until you get your period. When this is missing, and your body has shut down the reproductive system, you will find very hard to even get wet down there, let alone feeling horny.
Rest, sleep, repeat. Easier said than done, take it easy. New mothers are masters at multitasking, and after going through real labour, they need to deal with emotional labour, which is exhausting. Never mind the sleepless nights, the lack of free time, and the fact that you have a human being constantly latched on your breast. The more you take time for yourself , the easier will be for your libido to resurrect.
Nourish your body. If you are depleted, and you don’t fuel your machine properly, how can you get your libido back? Eat well, regularly, mostly plant-based. Avoid caffeine and alcohol as much as you can, rely on calming herbal teas at night, and warm healing foods throughout the day, to speed up the recovery phase. Allow yourself to have what you desire (no raw vegan diets allowed at this stage, unless you were a raw vegan before conception), and avoid focusing on changing how your beautiful body looks at this stage.
Lack of libido is common, it can only be a phase (if you put changes in place and you start taking care of your body) and doesn’t make you an outcast.
