Cosmopolitan’s Female Orgasm Survey claims that only 57% of women usually have orgasms, where only 15% of women were able to achieve orgasm from vaginal intercourse with no additional clitoral stimulation.
Based on that data, you shouldn’t be ashamed of having a hard time achieving your orgasm and even more, feeling embarrassed to talk about it with your partner.
Even if you can come from penetration alone, the female body is way too complex for us to have an orgasm as quickly and easily as men. Sometimes, we’re not focused and concentrated enough and can just “lose it” right before it fully hits. Or, on contrary, we might not be relaxed enough or have too much or on our mind. Whatever the reason is, an orgasm shouldn’t always be the end game.
In fact, some of the times I’ve had my best, most memorable sex were the times I didn’t come.
Orgasms are great and sometimes it can take me just a few minutes s to achieve them. But there’s so much more to sex than just that. Whether it’s sex with someone you love or a casual hookup, there’s always something about it that you’ll either remember or hate. I like having sex in unusual places at times when it’s least expected or with someone least expected. And for me, those times bring me just as much joy as sex that ended with both of us coming.
So why do so many women feel like they have no choice but to fake it and what can we do to shift the narrative?
I’ve had men in my life who were taking my orgasms too personally. They’d get upset or even not believe me when I said I did come just because I wasn’t loud enough. They’d tell me all that all women they’d been with before me always had orgasms and, unlike me, were quite vocal than me. Which, of course, isn’t the indication of a good orgasm, but rather, a personal trait or pornography implications.
Just because some men don’t have enough experience with real women to know that not every woman reacts to pleasure the way porn actresses do no matter how good something feels, doesn’t mean you have to play along and contribute to their false beliefs.
We’re not children in the kindergarten. We’re adults who are (more or less) understand basic biology and the way the female body works. So, unless a guy purposely doesn’t care about your pleasure and doesn’t even try to explore your body and give you enough time, there’s nothing wrong with you having trouble achieving orgasm.
Initiate a conversation
We grew up watching actors having simultaneous orgasms in porn, tv shows, and movie scenes that have been forming a behavior model in our heads for years — women are supposed to come at the same time as men. And due to a lack of sex education and sex research, many women believed that there’s no other way to end sex but to fake their orgasm and avoid any embarrassing conversation.
But if every woman were to fake their orgasms, men would only continue to think there’s something wrong with the ones who choose not to fake theirs rather than actually paying proper attention and understand that every person requires a different approach. That’s why initiating a conversation with someone you’re sleeping with regularly is the best you can do to improve your shared experience.
So, instead of lying to men and making them believe female orgasms are so easy and don’t take any effort to explore, let’s have honest conversations with each other about our needs, turn-ons, and expectations in bed:
“It’s not always easy for me to come, but most of the time the sex alone can bring me a lot of pleasure.”
“I don’t feel like coming today but it’s been really fun, so you if want to come just go ahead.”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to come today but it still feels really good”
“I usually don’t have a problem when it comes to orgasms, but it always takes some time for me to teach my partner the things that usually work for my body.”
There’s nothing more important than honesty whether you’re sleeping with someone you’re dating or just having a one-night stand.
Don’t be afraid to initiate the end of sex if you feel exhausted and tired. There’s nothing shameful about asking how close your partner is and suggesting them to finish or continue another time if you can’t go on any longer for whatever reason.
Trust me, no guy wants to harm you and turn your sex into something unbearable unless he’s an actual rapist.
Sometimes, it takes some time to get used to a new person and show them around. Just like that, I couldn’t come for the first time I was seeing one of my ex’s yet as soon as he paid attention to the response of my body and talked to me about things I usually like, I always had an orgasm from penetration alone no matter when or how long we’d have sex.
Stop blaming men for not making you come
I see a lot of TikTok videos and memes on the internet that are making fun of men who aren’t really good at “making someone come.” Jokes about not finding clitoris and jokes about men being oblivious and unable to make their partners come. Moreover, the comments under such videos are always shocking as even more young women continue to make fun and accuse their boyfriends of being useless in sex rather than talking to them directly.
This childish behavior has to stop.
Again, if we’re not talking about self-centered fuckboys who couldn’t care less about your pleasure in bed (though why would you keep ending up in their bed?) why not take time to educate your partner and actually show them your spots, tell them what works and what doesn’t or suggest trying new toys that work for you instead of wasting that time on making stupid videos or memes about your men failing to satisfy you in bed or not being able to find your clitoris?
As Samantha Jones once said, “Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me!”
If every woman were to fake an orgasm, there’d be no surprise men would continue to think there’s something wrong with the one who chooses not to. So, instead of lying to men and making them believe female orgasms are so easy and don’t take any effort to explore, let’s have honest conversations with each other about our needs, turn-ons, and expectations in bed.
By faking an orgasm and showing men that it really is that equally easy to make someone come, we only contribute to the orgasm gap.
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