For someone who really enjoys anal sex, I’ve hardly written about it. The truth is, when it’s right, it happens to be one of my favorite sex acts, but, akin to a gourmet meal, it’s not one I indulge in every time I work up an appetite. Not only would that cause it to lose its appeal, but, that good stuff requires both extensive preparation, as well as the right company to enjoy it with. And if not done well, the whole thing could turn into an utter disaster!
Sex, in general, is as physically intimate as you can get with another person, and, to me, anal sex is the most intimate of all. While our bumholes have been given all sorts of disgraceful nicknames and euphemisms, the only one I’d use from this linked list is mystery-zone: “Behold the inner sanctum. Only those deemed worthy may enter.”
I know, I may sound like I’m joking, but I’m not. Anal sex is near sacred to me. Let me try to explain why…
The anus and rectum are incredibly sensitive
First, with one of the densest concentrations of nerve endings, the external anal sphincter is one of the most sensitive parts of the human body. You, therefore, don’t even have to go inside to experience a lot of pleasure. Internal stimuli can be incredibly delightful when you’re able to relax and open; then you may enjoy the wonderful feeling of fullness. Rousing the prostate, for those who have one, or reaching the internal part of the clitoris can provide added layers of pleasure.
If I’m not relaxed and open, on the other hand, anal sex can simply be excruciatingly painful.
Trust is a prerequisite to relaxation
Some might be able to chill out completely with just about anyone, but the majority will feel calmer and more open with someone they trust and feel safe with.
I sometimes joke that my hard limit is no anal on the first date, but in truth, it usually takes me longer than that to be comfortable inviting someone backstage. If I’m tense, my anal sphincter will be too, and then, trying to get anything up there will be near impossible. When both relaxed and aroused, my bum recognizes that pleasure is on its way and will respond to touch by softening and opening up.
It requires (a lot) more prep
Another thing I need in order to relax for anal is to be prepared, not just mentally, but physically too. While vaginas are self-cleaning and require little added maintenance, the butt can be a different story.
I’m clearly not oblivious to the physiological functions of the rectum; anyone who is, or pretends to be, has no business going there in the first place. Feeling comfortable with your partner is also very important in the instance that accidents do happen…which they might.
Still, I prefer to keep it as squeaky clean as possible. First then, can I really sink in and relax, worry-free. Call me a prude, but my second hard limit, next to no anal on the first date is no scat-play. When I have visitors, I like it neat and will make sure all surfaces are tidy before anyone steps over my doorstep. For the sake of clarity, I’m talking about both my apartment and my butt right now.
How does this make anal sex more intimate? Well, to want to put in the extra time, effort, and dedication required, I need to really be into it, and the person I’m inviting along. That in itself makes it extra meaningful.
For all the dirty details on how to get sparkly clean, I wrote this in-depth article on anal-prep.
An asshole is just kinda moody
Some days butt stuff feels fantastic and other days they don’t—at all! This might be true for all sex, to some degree, but it’s especially true for anal. The sphincter is not only sensitive, but temperamental and therefore any kind of tension, stress, and exhaustion can affect its behavior.
It’s exceedingly important for me to trust that my lover is both sensitive and understanding of this, and won’t simply soldier on without paying attention. I prefer someone who knows me well enough to tune into my resonance without me having to spell out every damn word.
It’s oh-so-intense, which makes me feel oh-so-vulnerable
This is the most defining point for me: When anal sex is really good, I will momentarily transcend my body to hover somewhere above it for an undefinable amount of time. In these spaced-out moments, I have very little control over the movements and sounds I make. With vaginal sex, on the other hand, I still feel (mostly) in charge.
A slight control freak by nature, letting go completely to allow someone a close up of myself in a state of unhinged pleasure is not always easy for me. Is it for most people? This is as raw as it gets, and therefore an unusually tender space for me to allow anyone access to.
In a story about the partner who first taught me to really appreciate anal sex I write, “they say that the way to someone’s heart is through the stomach (…) but I’ve recently come wonder if there may also be a way to our hearts through our…rear ends.”
I still believe anal sex to be both more emotionally and physically intimate and close than most other things. This is when I feel the most naked, the most open, and as a result the most exposed. It’s also one of the sex acts that have the highest potential for something to go wrong; for it to cause pain, or simply just get embarrassing.
For the number of posts I see praising anal sex on this site, I see at least as many swearing never to go near it (again), often after having experienced severe physical and mental trauma related to it. So, while I’m excited to see this wonderful act becoming increasingly destigmatized, and more and more people adding it to their sexual repertoire, I can’t help but wish to apply a few words of caution.
While opening and sharing our hearts is a beautiful and empowering endeavor—one we should embark on as often and as much as we feel inclined to—we want to take the precautions we can to ensure that we only allow in those who aren’t planning to break it.
If we apply the same logic to anal sex too, we might start to see less of the traumatic horror stories and even more praising the treasured mystery-zone!