Howl
Is There a Double Standard When It Comes to Sexual Fantasies?
Men’s fantasies are often considered acceptable while women’s are subject to criticism and judgment
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“Tell me your dirtiest fantasy,” a lover once prompted me, as we were lying in bed, kissing and slowing taking off our clothes.
I felt safe with him. We had a robust sex life and loved to push against boundaries and urge each other beyond our comfort zones.
So I shared with him a fantasy I had kept locked away, knowing it was a little taboo, but also knowing that many women shared in this particular fantasy.
I told him I fantasized about being a 16-year-old girl and having my brand-new stepfather stumble into the bathroom when I was just getting out of the shower. I told him how I imagined we would circle one another warily for days after that, both looking at each other in a different way. How the tension between us would build until one night, he would sneak into my bedroom and… Well, you get the picture.
My lover looked at me in horror after I finished speaking. He said my fantasy was the most perverted thing he had ever heard and that, as a Christian, he was genuinely worried that it might be indicative of moral bankruptcy.
I found his judgment shocking. It was only a fantasy, after all.
I tried to explain myself to him. I reminded him that I have never had a stepfather, so to me, this fantasy is far removed from my own reality. Further, in my fantasy, my stepfather is a virtual stranger to me.
For me, the allure of this fantasy comes purely from the idea of breaking such a strong cultural taboo — which is often what inspires so many to develop outlying sexual fantasies. The idea of breaking taboos is hot.
Obviously, in real life, a sexual relationship between an underage girl and her stepfather (under any circumstance) would horrify me. I’m a feminist with a graduate degree living in the #MeToo era. I have no tolerance for abuses of power like that.
But this is a fantasy and as a feminist, I refuse to apologize for it.
In the years since that conversation, I have learned that this fantasy is actually quite common — so common, in fact, that there’s a name for it in the porn industry: psuedo-incest or fauxcest. Admittedly, these terms are pretty off-putting, but certainly not inaccurate.
Despite how people might judge pseudo-incest fantasies, those of us who harbor them are not alone. “Step porn” (in which the actors play the roles of step-family members) has been the fastest-rising porn genre for the past several years. Producers of this genre say the demand is always growing because this kind of sexual relationship is the ultimate taboo, and often includes multiple taboos, making for a titillating fantasy.
Many others, like my former lover, however, find this trend disturbing, fearing it might encourage viewers to instigate sexual relationships with family members. I find that fear ridiculous. We are constantly being bombarded with movies and TV shows that glorify violence and yet we don’t worry about how that exposure might inspire people to engage in violent behavior. I think it’s absurd to assume that the average person can’t indulge in taboo fantasies without eventually needing to act out those taboos in real life.
But here’s where things got really interesting for me: A few days after my partner and I had that conversation, I asked him to share his fantasy with me. (Our previous discussion had come to an abrupt halt after I told him about my stepfather fantasy.) Without any hesitation, he told me how much it turned him on to think of twins having sex.
I think it’s absurd to assume that the average person can’t indulge in taboo fantasies without eventually needing to act out those taboos in real life.
I stared at him for a long time before finally asking him why he was horrified by my fantasy of two unrelated individuals making love when he fantasized about two sisters engaging in sexual activity. He said he really never thought about the twins in his fantasy being related.
I was frustrated by his response but at the time, I couldn’t quite pinpoint the reason why. Later, I realized that my frustration was born from the feeling that women aren’t encouraged to share fantasies that reside outside the lines of “appropriate” sexual behaviors.
I think when we honestly express our desires and fantasies, some men can be put off, or even offended. Many of them have been taught to value more subdued sexual behavior and proclivities in women. Even if the most primal aspects of our sexuality physically turn them on, they can also bring up emotional and intellectual disapproval born from the outdated, sexist beliefs embedded in the social fabric of our culture.
I wasn’t disturbed or horrified by my lover’s desire to watch twin sisters have sex. I recognized the fact that it was just a fantasy. He wasn’t perverted or turned on by incest. Basically, he just wanted to watch a hot woman make love to herself.
If he had told me he had a sexual fantasy involving a stepmother or stepsister (in reality, like me, he had no steps in his family), it wouldn’t have worried me in the slightest. I might’ve even indulged in some role-playing if he had wanted.
Yet, he was deeply disturbed by my fantasy about sleeping with a fictional stepfather. It was too far on the fringe for him — somehow, even more taboo than two sisters having sex.
To this day, I believe that the only objection he had was that a woman (me) shouldn’t step outside the boundaries of “appropriate sex.” He loved it when I was physically uninhibited — that turned him on — but sharing a fantasy that stepped outside of normalcy felt dangerous to him.
In the years that followed, I found that I was not alone in this. Many of my female friends had had similar conversations with their partners that ended in similar ways. They shared a fantasy that might have been considered taboo by some (bondage, multiple and simultaneous partners, sex in public places, etc.), and faced judgment and even scorn from their partners. Meanwhile, their partners shared some pretty kinky fantasies of their own (including rape fantasies) that didn’t receive the same kind of judgment, ridicule, or shame.
In short, the men’s fantasies, no matter what they were, were considered acceptable, while the women’s were considered questionable or even deviant.
This is, I believe, a product of the sexism that is still so rampant in our culture. Those of us who belong to Generation X were raised in a much less sex-positive climate and we still have a lot of work to do to — especially in the bedroom.
In short, the men’s fantasies, no matter what they were, were considered acceptable, while the women’s were considered questionable or even deviant.
I think it’s important to continue to share our sexual fantasies — even in the face of the judgment that might come of it. Hopefully, we will be with a partner who is learning to be more open-minded and supportive and if not, we can remind them that as women, we are as nuanced and complex as anyone else — in and out of the bedroom — and that there’s nothing to shame when it comes to sexual fantasy.
As for me, I’m grateful for the partner who shamed me for my stepfather fantasy. It made me explore my feelings, fantasies, and sexuality in a much deeper way than I had before and I came out on the other side feeling a deeper confidence in myself.
I am a woman with a healthy sexual appetite. Like many of my fellow humans, I’m turned on by the thought of breaking sexual taboos.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
© Yael Wolfe 2019
