I’ve Never Faked an Orgasm, but I Don’t Blame Women Who Do
I’ve never faked an orgasm. Not a single, solitary time in my life. And it’s not that I’ve never felt the need to. I’ve been in plenty of sticky situations that faking an orgasm would’ve easily gotten me out of. When you don’t climax, men stare at you deeply and intently like they want to murder you, like your sexuality just invalidated the entirety of their manhood and all of their sexual history. It would’ve been so convenient to just slip a little lie in there, pretend I was having a bit better sex than I was having, to flex those thighs and pelvic floor muscles, and pretend I was getting off when I really wasn’t. But I’m just not that good of a liar.
It’s not that I feel some holier-than-thou superiority to women who do. In fact, I completely understand why they do it. And I also think there are some things we can all learn from it.
First off, there are the fragile egos you have to deal with. Nobody wants to be thought of as a bad lover. I understand that much. But if someone isn’t willing to listen and try to improve their game, safe to say they’ve got a very short line of women behind them who’ve probably been faking it to appease their self-esteem.
Some men will become downright angry, hostile, or even violent when their sense of sexual prowess is challenged, an obvious sign of the male-oriented nature of our sexual lives. When a man is fragile, reflexive, and impulsive, unable to contain his outbursts of frustration and anger, what else are we supposed to do but tell him what he wants to hear so he’ll behave in a manner that isn’t scary?
Every single woman I know would love to have an honest chat with the men they sleep with, a heart-to-heart of sorts where they express their desires and discuss their needs (including the ones that aren’t being met). But that can only happen when it comes from a place of stability and sanity. There needs to be a loving atmosphere before any kind of conversations can begin.
Women might also fake an orgasm if there are deeper relationship problems going on that aren’t being discussed (usually because of the reason above). These issues can range from not feeling secure, being worried that our partners are secretly cheating on us, and other stresses we feel like we have to keep secret from our partner.
The fix for this is to build a compassionate relationship that comes from a place of love. Equality is so important in relationships and that equality must be acknowledged by all partners involved.
Then there’s the elephant in the living room…
Want a public confession that’ll force me to bow my head in selfish shame? I don’t want to be a sex teacher all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll gladly help a man through his hiccups and to find his sexual groove so he can please me in all the right ways, I’ll show him how to master his tongue-flick game and finger action, his rotary-hip movements, and all the other mechanical tricks that go into sex…it’s just that I don’t want to do it all the time. Sometimes, I just want to be able to sit back, relax, and enjoy the sex.
Some women might fake it so they can go find a better-prepared partner who’s capable of satisfying their needs at the moment.
You see, these things take time. Learning to be great at sex, healing the hurts of old, and patching up the holes in the walls — hopefully, that’s only a metaphor in your relationship — all of these things take time, effort, and work. And sometimes I just want to lay back and have a man devour me properly.
I’ve had some experiences where I tried several times back-to-back with the same man to have a solid sexual experience and each of those times, I came up empty-handed with some men.
Being the teacher in sex is usually something that happens in long-term relationships but plenty of women are willing to fake it with guys who are just flings and to those who we aren’t really committed to for the long haul.
There are also the roles we bring into the bedroom, many of which we adopt from the society around us without thinking.
As Deborah Anapol Ph.D. says for Psychology Today:
Men have been socialized to believe that they should be experts in sex and of course he wants to believe that he’s an ideal lover. The woman knows that her role is to reinforce that notion, so if the man assumes that she’s come, she is unlikely to set him straight.
Let me be clear, this isn’t conscious. But becoming conscious of it can help fix the problem. I can’t express how important it’s been in my life to sit down and have an honest talk about sexual performance and expectations in long-term relationships.
If a man believes he’s entitled to be made to feel like he’s a sexual god in the bedroom, a lot of women will appease him because they’ve been taught to cosign this fantasy, no matter how bad the sex really is.
It’s been theorized that feminists have more orgasms than non-feminists. Guys out there who begrudgingly cringe when they even hear the word “feminism”, listen up: many women are drawn to feminism because it teaches them to prioritize their own sexual enjoyment over being constantly unfulfilled passive recipients, among many other things. A lot of the ideas that women find when they embrace feminism are ideas they’re already searching for. Why they’re not satisfied whenever they have sex is usually one of those things.
We love sex too. We want it to be fulfilling. We don’t want it to be empty.
It’s been theorized through some preliminary studies, that feminists have more orgasms than women who don’t identify as feminists. This is probably because we’ve evened the playing field in the ways I mentioned above.
One thing that should be painfully obvious is that nobody likes faking orgasms. Women feel pressured to lie, men are lied to, women don’t get fulfilled, men are unknowingly bad at sex, it’s a bad time all the way around, and the first step toward a more fulfilling sex life is being honest about what we want and willing to realize that we all have shortcomings and areas where we can improve. A little introspection goes a long way.
Don’t let your ego get in the way of becoming the best partner you can be. Become the kind of partner we can tell the truth to and we’ll happily do so.