I’ve Never Had an Orgasm
Sincerely, a woman who’s had enough.
I knew there was a problem when I began watching porn just to live vicariously through another woman’s orgasm. I saw her body shaking, her toes curling, I saw her squirting, I wanted to be her. I wanted my body to shake senselessly. Most of all, I wanted sex to stop being about somebody else finishing up and deciding that was the end of it.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
In my first serious relationship, our sex usually lasted about 1–5 minutes. His penis was small, awkward, and surprisingly bendy. It bent every time it was about to go inside me. I would have to straighten it. I honestly couldn’t tell whether or not it was in most of the time either. Was that erectile dysfunction? Jesus, poor guy. Every time we were together I felt like I was being used for his satisfaction only. I would tell myself I was crazy because wasn’t this my relationship too?
Wrong.
He was using me. He was using my vagina to jerk off, without stopping once to think about the fact that I had never actually finished, but that only he would. He did one thing right: putting his head in between my legs, and that was it. That’s how I dealt with his mediocre sex for about 2 years. During our first year together, never once did he stop to ask if I had finished, never once did he attempt to try.
By the end of the year, I concluded that for me it would probably take more than just minutes of in and out motions. I envied the women in the porn I would watch, which was a lot. I got pissed reading stories of women who could finish instantly. What even was squirting? Why on earth couldn’t I do that?
One day, my boyfriend told me he wanted to make me squirt. I could’ve bounced off the freaking walls. I was so excited I couldn’t contain it, so I dragged him to bed and we got to it. I could tell he was determined. He put his head in between my legs and my thighs began to shake, my toes began to curl. It was finally happening. He got up, and then he was inside me, for longer than 5 minutes. 1 hour and 10 to be exact. Impressed wasn’t even the word. He would switch between being inside me, using his fingers, his tongue, some combos. It felt incredible. But for 1 hour and 10 minutes I waited to feel that sensation, and it never came. I waited, but at the end, when he asked if he had at least given me some sort of orgasm, I smiled. Right through my teeth, I gave him a yes. And then I sunk right back into the deep, dark hole I had already dug.
I was so sexually unsatisfied, it became almost like a hunger. I dreamt of sex every single day. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t shower without masturbating. It’s not like I wasn’t having sex at all, I just never enjoyed it. I was so insanely pleasure hungry, that I began dreaming of being with other men. I cheated on my boyfriend in my head over, and over, and over again. I had threesomes, and orgies, I would go to sex parties. I lived my sexual orgasmic fantasy in my head every single day. I would watch porn every night, I even bought a dildo. But I still couldn’t take it anymore.
After almost 2 years of being sexually unsatisfied by my boyfriend, I met up with another guy. I couldn’t bring myself to break up with my boyfriend first. Truthfully I don’t know what I was thinking, but if I’m remembering it correctly: I let my vagina do the thinking, and I helplessly did as it said.
I met him online. It was innocent at first, but then I thought what if this is the guy? You know, the one who finally gets the job done.
I met up with him at his apartment. Halfway up the stairs I thought, what am I doing? Why am I here? But then he called me into his room, and I practically caved at the knees. I straddled him, and his lips touched mine. He unzipped my pants, at no point did I want it to stop. I felt his finger slip inside of me, and I moaned into his lips. He laid me down, and I wrapped my legs around him as he got on top of me. My hand travelled down his torso, until it reached the bulge in his pants.
And then I froze.
I couldn’t do it. I told him I had to leave. I practically ran out of that man’s house, got on my bus and never looked back. I broke up with my boyfriend shortly after that. I couldn’t believe I let it get that far, that my horniness would actually lead me to cheat?
Thinking about it now, I had one desire. I wanted to orgasm from sex. And it drove me crazy. I wanted to squirt and feel that sensation I had seen on my screen one too many times. I still don’t know that feeling, maybe I never will. At this point in my life I’ve been with 3 other guys who have all accepted the challenge, and who have all failed. They tried their best, so they get some applause from me but none from vagina; she’s still pissed. I got super close earlier this year though (at least one good take away from 2020). I actually lost control of my legs, they were like jelly; I couldn’t even stand. But after 2 hours of non-stop sex (quite an upgrade by the way) we got too tired to continue and we fell asleep. So close.
The guy I slept with after that said it wasn’t his job to make me orgasm if I couldn’t even bring myself to do it. He didn’t even try. Mental note to pick better guys was immediately created.
Maybe I’m simply one of those women who will never orgasm from sex, who will never squirt. But I have yet to come to terms with the fact that I will never have sex to finish, that my sex will only ever mean satisfaction for whoever I’m with.
I still have hope.
Maybe I need better toys, older men (though I’m not so sure that increasing age equals increased experience so I’m holding off on that one), maybe a silent prayer for a miracle.
At this point, it seems like a miracle is the only way that this will ever happen.
